I have a very special announcement to make. I have GROWN as a PERSON in the past 10 minutes. For reals.
I just got home this evening and went into the bathroom only to find I was about to be assaulted by another killer bug. Not a giant killer bee this time. No, this time it was a tiny spider that I thought was lint until it started moving. I am very proud to announce, however, that upon realizing I was in the presence of an Arachnid (also known as Evil Death Monster), I totally did not freak out! Seriously, I kept my cool COMPLETELY. It was a very zen moment.
I even paused and thought about allowing this poor little bugger to live - who am I to kill it just because it is a spider? It isn't its fault that it's an Evil Death Monster, it didn't ask to be born that way. Who knows, maybe it asked to be a unicorn and then fate was all "NO! Unicorns are passe! You shall be an Evil Death Monster!" and the spider-to-be was all "aw MAN! I so wanted to be a unicorn, they're all mystical and awesome" and then it cried a little bit at its tragic fate. And who am I to be judge, jury, and executioner in such a tragic tale as this?
Of course, then I realized that sadness turns to bitterness which turns to anger, and so this was an angry Evil Death Monster, and may also have leaping abilities. This made it extremely dangerously. So I calmly and cooly chose to kill it in a swift and humane manner. Thank goodness my slippers have rubber soles.