Inspiration! Roundup: Mother/Child Love Preserved, Circular Embroidery, Requests from Solitary, and More!

This Week's "I want to go to there": HOME! This is not my home, nor does it resemble my home in any way, but something about it makes me think "home", and after 10 days away, I am looking forward to my home.
Photo by Ostap Senyuk.

Mother and Child

A beautiful series of drawings and paintings have been created depicting love between a mother and child.

Circles

Natalie Ciccoricco embroiders radial circles onto photographs, and it's lovely.


Photo Requests from Solitary

A new project has emerged to help prisoners who are living in solitary confinement (a truly brutal form of torture) by providing them with images of their choice. Prisoners can request photos of whatever they want and amateur photographers submit their results. The requests range from sunsets and other peaceful nature scenes to cats looking out windows to beautiful women to the police being arrested by regular citizens.

It is a poignant gallery of desire.

Handmade

Artist Mari Katayama had her legs amputated at the age of 9. She has created a series of self-portraits photographing herself with hand-sewn limbs and other objects.


Stay High

Do you want to watch Terry Crews lipsync his way through Brittany Howard's single Stay High? Because I DO!



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A Powerful Call to Vulnerability and Community

Amer Mughawish

I read this Outside Magazine article by Brad Stulberg, "It's Okay to Be Good and Not Great", expecting the usual advice about how the search for perfection holds us back. You know, "good enough is good enough", "perfect is the enemy of done", and blah blah blah.

What I got, however, was a powerful call to vulnerability and community.

"Stop trying so damn hard to be invincible, and just be yourself."

If sentences were lasers, this one would have burned a clean, tiny hold straight through every single carefully-placed defence mechanism and right into my big, messy heart.

He is talking about our public personas, be they online, at work, or elsewhere, and the dissonance that comes from projecting some kind of perfect infallibility over reality. It's the loneliness of putting forward a shiny version of yourself in order to gain acceptance and then realizing that it means you'll never get acceptance for the squishy underbelly that needs it most.

I like to think that I'm pretty good at being my "real self" in public--or at least most of my real self. I will write a book about how much I used to hate myself and share the sillier things that make me cry on Instagram, but of course, that's only one kind of vulnerability, it's not the whole package. Like everyone, I have walls and armour and an image I want to project, even if it's one with some strategically-placed "vulnerability", and if I were in the habit of tattooing phrases on my body I would seriously consider adding this reminder to the mix.

Of course, it's not necessarily healthy to share every soft spot on that lil' underbelly with the entire world; that's where IRL friendship and community comes in.

"Perhaps one of the most detrimental consequences of digital technology is the illusion of connection. We think that if we can tweet, post, text, e-mail, or even call someone, we’re good. After all, digital relationships save us the time and coordination of meeting in person, which in turn allows us to be überproductive—or so we tell ourselves. But here’s the thing: nothing can replace in-person community, and our failed attempts to do so come at a grave cost... An increased focus on 'productivity and the cult of busyness,' has led to a sharp decline in deep communities and a rise in social isolation and related mood disorders."

I have realized that the biggest barrier to my core friendships and community is, indeed, all this dang busyness. Everyone's schedules are so packed that it takes a week, 25+ texts, and two reschedules to find a date to get together, and by that point, our plans are booked a month in advance.

This has become especially notable after my recently-acquired singleness. Losing a partner, especially one you live with, doesn't just take the romantic element out of your life and love. It takes away the day-to-day companionship: an actual, physical person to chat with about your days, to share your challenges and successes, to bounce ideas off of, and share casual, yet humanity-affirming, physical contact.

To be perfectly honest, it can be really disheartening sometimes to try to wrestle something resembling this kind of closeness with my busy-busy-busy circle of friends (among whom I am just as busy-busy-busy and equally part of the problem).

On one hand, we are all committed enough to each other to make it work, which is a beautiful thing to consider. We could easily let our lives drift apart, but we don't. Instead, many of my friend groups are trying to find new ways to cut through the busyness and stay more present, usually amounting to automatically-recurring visits carefully planned around everyone's availability.

On the other hand, it means that we are not able to truly be present in each others' day-to-day lives beyond the group chat.

It's hard, but it's worth it.

Giphy


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Cute! Roundup: A Cat Determined to Play, Baby Elephants, Deer, and More!

I have been out of town for over a week now, and I am starting to miss my Gertie something fierce! Here are TWO pictures of her, one being cute and the other being naughty.

Cute! Roundup including cute cats, raccoons, deer, and more!

A roundup of cute things for your Monday! Kitties, elephants, deer, and more!

OTHER CUTENESS

This kitty's going to play, with or without the use of her back legs!

Find someone who looks at you the way this cat looks at its toy. (Or maybe not? Maybe that would be a little intense.)

Baby elephant chases birds, falls down, and runs to mama. Awwwww!

You know how people like to say there are "secret menus" at large restaurant chains for those in the know? I want to know THIS ORDER!

If Snow White had a neighbourhood pool party!


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Singalong! Coward by Holly McNarland

On my recent flight to Montreal, I did something I haven't done for a long time: listened to music instead of a podcast. The first song that came on when I hit shuffle on my "singalongs" playlist (a random assortment of songs that I know the words to that you can find on Spotify if you're so inclined) was this one. The opening chords instantly transported me to a more melodramatic state and it was glorious. It was a bit of a challenge to not actually sing along, and I mayyyyy have lip-synced, just a little.


COWARD
by Holly McNarland

Maybe I'm a coward, I'm only scared of you
Or maybe I'm just tired of living here

I'm alive and I'm aware
Of what's going on around here

'Cause I'm a coward
I'm neurotic
I'm just tired of living in here
I'm depressive I'm obsessive
I'm just tired of living in fear

Maybe my depression
Is all in my head
Maybe it's my obsession
To feel sorry for myself

I'm alive and I'm aware
Of what's going on around here

'Cause I'm a coward
I'm neurotic
I'm just tired of living in here
I'm depressive I'm obsessive
I'm just tired of living in fear
I'm a coward

Maybe I'm a coward, I'm only scared of you
Yes I'm scared of you
'Cause I'm alive and I'm aware
Of what's going on around here

I'm a coward
I'm neurotic
I'm just tired of living in here
I'm depressive
I'm obsessive
I'm just tired of living in fear

Sing along with Holly McNarland's Coward
Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Thinking Without Words, Elephants Saving Carbon, Everyone Likes What They See, and More!

Empty thought bubble on blue background
Photo by Pixabay.

Thinking Without Words

I recently learned that the difficulty I have mentally visualizing things is a real thing, and now I am learning about unsymbolized thought, or thought without symbols or words. So many different ways to think!

Elephants Save Carbon

Elephants are more than just noble giants with perfect memories. Thanks to their large stature, they also crush smaller plant life in forests, which actually helps the larger plants flourish, thus increasing the biomass of the forest and its ability to store carbon. Thanks, Elephants!

We All Like What We See

I don't know about you, but I grew up being told that men are "more visual" than women (and thus, in the Evangelical church I grew up in, it was my fault if a guy looked at me and cursed his heart by lusting after me). Turns out that women are actually just as aroused by sexual images as men, though. Equality!

Women Can Do It, They Just Don't

In other gender-stereotype-related news, Americans have grown, in general, to see women as just as competent as men. Now the issue is that those dang women just aren't as ambitious. So it's still their fault they aren't rising to the top of Fortune 500 companies.

How Do You See Your Body?

Here's another fun risk of depression: thinking you're overweight. Not being overweight, just thinking you are. Which sucks on many levels, one of which being that there is actually nothing wrong with being overweight! Thanks a lot, social stigma.

Free Education!

The UN has made a series of sustainable development courses available for FREE. So cool.


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Book Club: My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite and The Familiars by Stacey Halls

The Receptionist's Book Club: My Sister the Serial Killer and The Familiars

It's been a minute since I shared some of the books I've been reading so I am doing a book club DOUBLE-WHAMMY: My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite and The Familiars by Stacey Halls.

On the surface, they are TOTALLY DIFFERENT! One is about a pair of Nigerian sisters, one of whom can't seem to stop murdering her boyfriends. The other is a historical fiction about a British noblewoman with a tenuous pregnancy and a midwife who is probably a witch. There is, however, one similarity: they are both books about very ordinary people who are connected to very extraordinary people who need their protection.

As always, spoiler alert! SPOILER ALERT! There will be spoilers. I won't give away the endings, but if you think knowing things that happen beyond page 3 is a spoiler, then wait for it.

The book cover for The Familiars by Stacey Halls: it's blue with flowers and a ghostly fox

All I knew when I started reading The Familiars is that it was about witches and their animal familiars, so I kept expecting the protagonist (named, of all things, Fleetwood Shuttleworth - that's two last names, right?) to suddenly discover that she had extraordinary power, as is the way of most books about magical people.

It was sort of a pleasant surprise that she didn't. Instead, her struggle was to protect her probably-a-witch midwife from some witch-hunting being done around her while navigating a very annoying patriarchy. It's interesting to see where she is able to use her status as a noblewoman to get what she wants and where it's meaningless to help her as a woman standing in the way of a man's advancement.

For example! There is a chilling moment when she pushes back against the man running this witch hunt (a friend of Fleetwood and her husband's, of course), suggesting that some of the women may be innocent. He, in turn, suggests that his informant (a child, of course) can always be pressed to remember more witches and that another noblewoman has already been arrested.

There is also some very annoying stuff with her husband where he is a total cad and then I think we are supposed to forgive him, but it really just shifts his cad-like behaviour partially onto someone else. UGH! Again, you get a pretty clear picture that Fleetwood doesn't like it, but that she is working within her limits as best she can.

All-in-all, it's truly a well-crafted story. I love how we experience the probably-a-witch midwife from Shuttleworth's perspective the whole time, and so we never get a 100% witchy moment. What we do get is Shuttleworth's total faith in and devotion to the one woman who has made her pregnancy bearable and asked some very good questions about the men around her.

The book cover for My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite

My Sister, the Serial Killer is so good! Seriously. Loved it. It's a quick and fun read about sibling rivalry and devotion and I fully intend to check out other work by Oyinkan Braithwaite after reading it.

Here we have a straight-laced, responsible, supposedly less-attractive woman named Korede who can't stop comparing herself to her sister Ayoola, a free-wheeling fashion designer who every man seems to fall desperately in love with. Before she kills them, of course.

The story comes from Korede's perspective as she helps her sister clean up her messes (literally, she is an obsessive cleaner and when we meet her she already has enough experience to know exactly what she needs to do to clean up a murder scene). Half the time she is trying to keep Ayoola away from the doctor she is crushing on, and the other half she is trying to keep her sister from accidentally giving herself away as a murderer.

The straightforward storytelling makes the atrocity kind of hilarious, and the sibling rivalry appeals to me as a middle child.

Read it on the beach!


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A Self-Care Roundup for International Self-Care Day!

It's International Self-Care Day! Here is a roundup of ways to take care of yourself!
By Laura Salaberry.

Today is International Self-Care Day! To celebrate, here's a roundup of some of my favourite past posts about self-care. Let's go take care of ourselves!

One Important Ingredient That Was Missing From My Self-Care

(Hint... it was fun! Let's have fun!)

Self-Care is Hard When Feeling Better is Out of Reach

(For those times when it doesn't seem like anything will make you feel better - try asking what won't make you feel worse.)

Let's Try This: Taking Mini-Vacations to Keep Up With Life

(This one is only really available to those who have the luxury of vacation days, but dang if it doesn't take the edge off of the constant treadmill of life stuff.)

Talk Friendly to Me

(Wherein I pretend I have a best friend inside my head who I can talk to about my stressful/scary/insecure things. She is very nice.)

And finally, this quote from a past Inspiration! Roundup:

"Self-care is also not arguing with those who are committed to misunderstanding you."
-Ayishat A. Akanbi

Remember, friends: self-care is not just (or even necessarily) sheet masks and pedicures. To quote a dear friend of mine:

"Self-care is not the same thing as self-indulgence."
-Alison Chisholm
Sometimes self-care means actually forcing yourself to show up or have a hard conversation. It can be working out, it can be going to the party, it can be plowing through that last little bit of the report so that it's no longer hanging over your head, and it can be eating your vegetables.


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Inspiration! Roundup: Look Up, Look Wayyyyy Up, The Strangest People, Face-Off Art, and More!

A roundup of inspirational items for the week, including photos of tree canopies, being the strangest person, selfie stick aerobics, and more!
This Week's "I want to go to there": Let's feel the love!
Photo by Amy Shamblen.

Look Up, Look Wayyyy Up

I love Manuelo Bececco's photos looking up at tree canopies. It's one of my favourite things to do when I'm out in nature.


The Strangest Person in the World

I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.
-Rebecca Katherine Martin

(Often attributed to Frida Kahlo.)

Face-Off

I could stare at Guim Tió Zarraluki's paintings with faces coloured over for a long time.


Clothing as a Social Contract

I read writer Halle Butler's description of clothing as the first step of the social contract twice. As someone who used to intentionally dress super weird (apparently Butler did, too!), this strikes a chord with me.

"Clothing is the first step of the social contract. You buy the blouse, put on the bracelet, and wear the Glossier makeup or whatever people wear. You’re saying, 'Yes I agree. I will join the group.' Conforming to the external appearance is the first step of joining any kind of social group."

(Source.)

Selfie Stick Aerobics

This retro-style selfie stick aerobics video made me very happy.



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Listen Up! I Want to Get Better at Listening Up

I want to get better at active listening.
Photo by Mimi Thian.

I want to get better at active listening.

I started to learn that my listening wasn't as "active" as it could be about a year ago. I was in counselling with my former partner and our counsellor used a technique for communicating about difficult issues where one person would get free reign to share what was going on for them and the other person's job was to simply listen, ask questions, and summarize what they were hearing. They were not allowed to offer their own experience, analysis, or advice - they are simply there to provide the space to talk.

Here was my problem: I would sit quietly and pay attention while he talked and then ask questions, but my questions weren't great. Sometimes I came up blank and couldn't even think of a question. More often, they were crafted in a way to make a point instead of deepening understanding. It was more, "have you ever thought about doing it this way?" and less, "how does that make you feel?"

On the flipside, my partner was GREAT at asking insightful, curious questions that helped me deep-dive into whatever I was talking about when I was sharing.

Then I began to notice that some of my friends are equally fantastic at active listening. They always seem totally curious and are always brimming with sincere, interested questions for everyone around them.

Active listening
Giphy

Here are two places where I know I go wrong with active listening:

1) I do that fun anxiety-brain thing where you are spending about 20% of your brain's processing power worrying about how you're coming across instead of actively engaging in the conversation.

(I have had it pointed out to me multiple times, even from near-strangers, that people can tell I care too much what other people think of me... So this is DEFINITELY a thing.)

2) I often think I fully understand the point that's being made before it's done. My brain jumps ahead, says, "yep, I've got it!" and is ready to share my analysis or counterpoint or simply agree and move on.

But chances are I don't have it. Chances are there is a lot more I can learn. Also, chances are there is a lot more to conversing with someone than just understanding the point they are making and then moving on with your life.

The majority of advice on active listening boils down to being curious, which is great but also that's what I was trying to do in my counselling sessions when I would sometimes not even be able to come up with a question to ask. So obviously I need to find some more specific inroads to break these habits in my brain.

How to learn to active listen
Giphy

After reading around about active listening, here are a few things I'm going to try:

Relax and remind myself I'm okay.

Why do I feel the need to talk too much in the first place? Because I am compensating for some ever-present insecurity and wanting people to see me in a certain way: interesting, clever, wise, someone they would turn to for advice.

I don't need to prove I deserve to be in a conversation, though. It's okay. I'm okay.

(I mean, if it's obvious enough that strangers can pick it up after an hour in the same room, then yeah... I need to relax.)

Who, what, where, when, why, and how.

Remember these basic questions? I am going to drill them into my mind so that when I am coming up blank on a question (not because I'm not curious about what's being shared but because my brain is being annoying), I have something to fall back on.

Is there more?

This came to me from Rad Reads, who got it from the book Getting the Love You Want. Here, you just ask the person "is there more?" and give them the space to talk. Do it three times.

The thing with this one is that it's intended for couples who know that this is a thing they are doing, and in that context, it makes perfect sense. It might be weird to just ask "is there more?" to a person in conversation at a cocktail party. Perhaps there's a rephrase that will achieve the same purpose without being a bit awkward? Hit me up if you can think of one!

Become an interviewer

It occurs to me that when I have been in a position to interview someone I have had no trouble listening and coming up with questions to probe deeper. Probably because it was my one job to listen and ask questions, and I was focused on that instead of my own dang self.

Maybe I just need to shift my mindset and pretend I'm interviewing everyone I talk to? (I feel like there might be other unwanted implications to this, but heck, it's worth a try!)

Do you have any tricks you've picked up over the years to help your active listening? Or did it just come magically and easily to you because you are a super-unicorn-rainbow listener?


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Cute! Roundup: Dads Falling in Love With Their Cats, Starfish Butts, and More!

You know when you have ONE THING on your floor and your cat needs to lie on it instead of any of the nice little beds and cozy places you've made for her?


OTHER CUTENESS:

Dads who reluctantly fell in love with their cats.

A bunch of starfish butts!

A surprise up the sleeve.

Kitty loves all kinds of head scratches.

A very happy horse!


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Singalong! I'm Good I'm Gone by Lykke Li

This is one of my favourite, "I'm doing my thing and you can't stop me" songs.


I'M GOOD I'M GONE
by Lykke Li

Working in the corner
Peeking over shoulders
Waiting for my time to come
Working in the corner
One day to the other
Butter on my piece of bun
Working in the corner
Peeking over shoulders
Waiting for my time to come
Working in the corner
One day to the other
Butter on my piece of bun

Stepping a stone and I'm all gone
Give me the tone and I'm all gone
Yeah, I'm walking by the line
Not here, but in my mind
I'm working a sweat but it's all good
I'm breaking my back but it's all good
'Cause I know I'll get it back
Yeah, I know your hands will clap

Yeah, I'm working
Yeah, I'm working
To make butter for my piece of bun

And if you say I'm not okay with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that I could know
If you say I aim too high from down below
Well say it now, 'cause when I'm gone
You'll be calling but I won't be at the phone

And I'm hanging around 'til it's all done
You can't keep me back once I had some
No wasting time to get it right
And you will see what I'm about
Well I'm working a sweat but it's all good
I'm breaking my back but it's all good
'Cause I know I'll get it back
Yeah, I know your hands will clap

And if you say I'm not okay with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that I could know
If you say I aim too high from down below
Well say it now, 'cause when I'm gone
You'll be calling but I won't be at the phone

Working in the corner
Peeking over shoulders
Waiting for my time to come

And if you say I'm not okay with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that I could know
If you say I aim too high from down below
Well say it now, 'cause when I'm gone
You'll be calling but I won't be at the phone
And if you say I'm not okay with miles to go
If you say there ain't no way that I could know
(But I won't be...)
If you say I aim too high from down below
Well say it now, 'cause when I'm gone
You'll be calling but I won't be at the phone

Get the confidence that you got this singing along with Lykke Li's I'm Good I'm Gone
Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Finding Love in a Hopeless Place (the internet), The Big Five Personality Types, Friendship Increasing Bone Density, and More!

A roundup of research from the past week, including the fact that the majority of people now meet their partners online
Photo by Yogas Design.

Finding Love in a Hopeless Place

It's finally happened: people are meeting less and less through friends and more and more online. For the first time ever, online is the most common way that couples meet each other, with the only other meeting method that has increased alongside it being meeting at a bar or restaurant. Every other way to meet a partner (through friends, in school, at work, in the neighbourhood) is on the decline. This is too bad, because dating apps are decidedly not fun.

The Big Five Personality Types

For a while now, there has been one personality testing metric that was considered scientifically accurate: the "Big Five". There are many different tests for it, but they score people on what are considered the five universal, core personality traits: extraversion, agreeableness, openness to experience, conscientiousness, and neuroticism. Now it looks like these traits, and tests that look for them, are not actually universal across cultures. Back to square one?

Friendship Increases Bone Density

Social stress has now been shown to cause bone density loss in postmenopausal women. A longitudinal study showed that the more negative social interactions a woman had, the more she lost bone density. Quality also counted more than quantity, with poorer quality relationships having a greater effect than the number of people she had around.

Workin' It to Learn It

If you're trying to learn something and napping isn't your thing, then try a few jumping jacks! Short bursts of exercise can help with learning.

Very Premature Babies Love the Flute

New research on babies born very premature (at 24-32 weeks of pregnancy) has found that playing them flute music can help their brain development. Maybe in utero, everything sounds a bit flutey?

Assimilation

Sometimes, reading new research introduces you to a type of prejudice that you didn't even know existed. For example: apparently, it's a commonly-held belief that Mexican immigrants, in particular, are unable or unwilling to assimilate to American culture. This is false.


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Practicing Gratitude When Everything is the Worst

Sometimes we don't feel grateful even when we "should" - and that's okay. Life is still amazing.
Photo by Ray Chan.

“If all you did was just looked for things to appreciate, you would live a joyously spectacular life.”
― Esther Abraham Hicks

I love this quote and its reminder to appreciate everything in life.

As someone who recently went through a period of mourning, however, I also feel it's necessary to point out that it's okay if you are grieving a loss and don't feel particularly appreciative at this moment.

When I was feeling unenthusiastic about everything, my gratitude lost its sheen. Remembering things that I was grateful for didn't immediately transform my mood or perspective like it has in the past. It was more of an exercise in technicality: I would note that something had happened and that objectively, it was a good thing.

My official stance on the matter was grateful, even if I was unable to muster up the emotion.

I felt a bit like Eeyore, looking out from my gloomy place, and noticing that the sun was shining, birds were singing, and that I had friends who were inviting me out on an adventure. It was all there, and I knew it was all good, but it didn't pierce the veil on an emotional level.

It's okay to be an Eeyore and not feel grateful when you know there are good things in life.
Giphy

Which, it turns out, is totally fine!

In my book, Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself, I talk about the power of gratitude to transform your mood and perspective. I refer to it as the closest thing we have to a magical, life-changing pill. I still think this is true, and I am now more keenly aware of the other side and that it also might not make such a noticeable change every single time.

It's still worth it, though.

It's still good to remind yourself that there are good things in your life, even if it just feels like checking a mental box. It helps to note that the objective reality of your life is not misery, even if it subjectively feels that way right at the moment.

You can say, "my commute to work was quick and easy and that is good," or, "I had a drink with a good friend who cares about me and I care about them," or, "my cat just curled up in my lap and started purring which has always been my favourite thing," and leave it at that. A good thing has happened, and you are allowed to feel however the heck you feel at the same time.

Your life is still spectacular, even when it doesn't feel that way, and you're still awesome, even if you feel like crap.


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Inspiration! Roundup: Paying Attention with Keanu, Everything is Terrible, Divorced Birds, and More!

A roundup of inspiring things, including reading in bed, Keanu Reeves, divorced birds, and more
This Week's "I want to go to there": I just did some adventuring, so now I am ready to do some relaxing and reading.
I just need to find a book that will capture my imagination!
Photo by The Creative Exchange.

Paying Attention

“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.”
— Keanu Reeves

Everything is Terrible

Art collective Everything is Terrible are collecting pop culture from the super-sized pre-internet era. It's "super" fun!


Divorced Birds

Reddit generally has a reputation for being the place where young, angry white boys hang out to be angry together, but there are actually some delightful corners to this platform. Case in point: Divorced Birds. It's a subreddit full of pictures of birds who look like mid-life adults in mid-life crises, such as these twice-divorced birds or this bird who has finally had enough. Honestly, it's more about the storytelling of the captions, not the pics.

Delicacies

Artist euglena creates stunning images out of dandelion seed fluffs. I can only imagine how painstaking this delicate work was.


The Minimizing Coin

I love this trick from Seth Godin! Do you apologize for yourself before you've even started talking? Try this: carry a large coin around (in a foreign currency or otherwise one that is noticeably not regular money) and every time you feel the urge to minimize yourself coming on, turn the coin over instead.


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