For Those of Us Who Are Super Behind in Seeing Captain Marvel

Giphy

I FINALLY saw Captain Marvel last night and I just want to say DANG! That movie is GOOD!

Before seeing it I had heard two general criticisms:

1) It's not that good.

2) She looks "too hot" and is wearing perfect makeup all the time.

Rebuttals:

1) Yes, it is. You either don't like superhero movies (in which case, sure), require all your super heroes to be dark and tortured (in which case, ehhhh), or have an issue with women (in which case, ugh).

2) It's a superhero movie. They're all hot.

Giphy

Best parts:

Her origin story is all about being a super cool rebel human who stands up to everyone, even aliens.

She keeps getting back up (annnnnd I'm crying just remembering that montage).

Her ultimate power lies in accepting her humanity and emotions.

We saw how Nick Fury gets his eye patch.

All the 90s music.

A sweet little kitty plays a pivotal role.

Giphy



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Forced Intimacy and Desire Without Enjoyment

Photo by Alexis Fauvet.

One more post about Emily Nagoski's excellent book Come As You Are: forced intimacy and desire without enjoyment. (The two earlier posts are here and here.)

In the book, she talks about how most people, when they are stressed, have a decreased sex drive, but for a small number of people, their sex drive increases. The interesting thing is, for those people, there usually isn't an increase in pleasure or enjoyment from sex, just increased desire.

I had never thought about the concept of desire being separate from pleasure before. Whether the context was sexual or not, I had always assumed that pleasure was a pre-requisite for desire, or at least the expectation of pleasure. You had to at least think you were going to enjoy something to want it, right?

Turns out, nope.

At this point, it's more of a compulsion than anything else, and is about Nagoski refers to as "forced intimacy": any kind of intimacy-producing activity that's done to fill a hole inside of us, instead of out of a desire to connect with the other person.

This concept of forced intimacy was a huge lightbulb for me.

In a past relationship, I went through a really stressful time. I asked my partner to sit on the couch and cuddle for five minutes every morning before we went to work. It wasn't about him or our connection, it was about this giant ball of stress inside of me that I was trying to calm. Or really just smother.

Cuddling is typically my favourite thing to do in a relationship, but this time it didn't actually feel all that enjoyable. Now I know why! I was trying to use them to fill an entirely different void in my life. I was taking one of my favourite intimate activities and trying to make it into an anti-anxiety pill.

Unsurprisingly, my partner didn't particularly enjoy it either. Who really likes being used to try to fill someone else's unfillable void?

I'm pretty sure forcing intimacy to try to cover up or fill a hole in our hearts is a fairly human thing to do, and that I'm not alone in this one. The big question is, what do you do instead?

As per usual, it's probably that you face down the giant hole inside of you and work through it instead of trying to use someone else to cover it up. Sigh.


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Singalong! No Scrubs by TLC

No Scrubs is part of an important lineage of songs that give teenage girls a word for the boys that shout at us from cars. It let us say, "Ugh, he's such a scrub!" and feel a little more in control of our lives. It also let us practice saying no to guys we didn't want to go out with, even if we would never, ever have the guts to be so blatant in our rejection in real life.


NO SCRUBS
by TLC

A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly
He's also known as a busta (Busta, busta)
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass

So no, I don't want your number (Uh, uh)
No, I don't want to give you mine and
No, I don't want to meet you nowhere (No, no)
No, I don't want none of your time and (Uh)

No, I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me (Whoo)
I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me

Well a scrub checkin' me, but his game is kinda weak
And I know that he cannot approach me
'Cause I'm looking like class and he's looking like trash
Can't get wit' a deadbeat ass (Yeah)

So no, I don't want your number
No, I don't want to give you mine and
No, I don't want to meet you nowhere
No, I don't want none of your time and (Check it)

No, I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me (Uh, uh)
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
I don't want no scrubs (No scrubs)
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me (Uh, uh)
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me

If you don't have a car and you're walking
Oh yes son, I'm talking to you
If you live at home with your momma
Oh yes son, I'm talking to you
If you have a shorty that you don't show love
Oh yes son, I'm talking to you
Wanna get me with no money
Oh no, I don't want no
No scrub, love
No scrub, love

No, I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me

See, if you can't spatially expand my horizon
Then that leaves you in the class with scrubs, never rising
I don't find it surprising and if you don't have the G's
To please me and bounce me here to the coast of overseas
So, let me give you something to think about
Inundate your mind with intentions to turn you out
Can't forget the focus on the picture in front of me
You as clear as DVD on digital TV screens
Satisfy my appetite with something spectacular
Check your vernacular, and then I get back to ya
With diamond-like precision, insatiable is what I envision
Can't detect acquisition from your friend's Expedition
Mr. Big Willy, if you really wanna know
Ask Chilli, could I be a silly ho?
Not really, T-Boz and all my señoritas
Are steppin' on your FILA's, but you don't hear me, though

No, I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me
I don't want no scrubs
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me
Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride
Trying to holla at me

Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Sad Songs for the Depressed, a Sort of Telepathy, Impulsive Immunity, and More!

A roundup of research and learning for the week, including sad songs, telepathy, gender non-conformity rules, and more
Photo by Eric Nopanen.

Sad Songs Say So Much

Sad music tends to make us feel pretty low, so it was a bit concerning that people with depression tend to seek out sad music to listen to. It turns out, however, that listening to sad music might make people with depression feel calmer, or even uplifted, not sadder. (Although, I have to say, when I was in the throws of depression, I'm pretty sure sad songs just made me feel sadder.)

A Sort of Telepathy

Scientists have been been using AI to try to turn people's brain waves into speech. Right now, a machine can read someone's brainwaves and come out with speech that is often intelligible, which is pretty huge, actually. Also, I would like to state for the record now that I do not want to live in a world where thoughts are just announced, willy-nilly!

Impulsive Immune Systems

New research shows that the presence of inflammation in the body can lead us to be more short-term in our thinking. Perhaps because inflammation is generally caused by injury, and then our bodies need us to focus on things that allow us to heal in the short-term, instead of benefiting us in the longer-term.

Gendered Gender Non-Conformity

This one confirms something feminist thinkers have been saying for a while: parents are more likely to keep boys on track towards more traditional gender norms than boys. This effect was more pronounced in fathers than mothers and adds some scientific backing to the argument that we still prioritize maleness in our society.

Exercise Benefits Little Swimmers

And by little swimmers, I mean sperm. A mice study shows that the brains of baby mice whose fathers exercised regularly had a boost over those who weren't.

Potential vs. Past

When hiring for managerial positions, men are generally judged based on their potential and women on their past performance. This, of course, gives men more opportunities for growth and women ore opportunities to stay in the exact same place.


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Ch-ch-ch-changes: what will be shocking in 40 years?

How will future generations shock us?
Photo by Ross Findon.

You know how, within just a few generations, we've taken things that were previously unheard of and made them totally normal? Different sexualities, gender expressions, relationship configurations, and lifestyles just... exist! And the majority of people don't bat an eye!

Just looking back to my childhood, I remember people whispering with some level of scandal that Ru Paul was (gasp!) a man! (Shush! No! Really?) Now, Ru Paul's Drag Race is one of the most popular reality shows and drag queens read books to kids in libraries.

Heck, even just the fact that I am a 30-something woman living alone in her own apartment with a job and no husband or children would have raised eyebrows in the not-too-distant past. Now, at least in the liberal, urban bubble where I live, it's incredibly normal.

We may have a long way to go on accepting the different ways people live their lives, but things have evolved to the point that it feels like not much could shock me when it comes to lifestyle choices.

So of course, that makes me ask myself two things:

1) What is my grandkids' generation going to think is totally normal that I will find absolutely shocking?

2) What will they be horrified about the world today that we find totally normal? (Or, what are the things that I will think are perfectly okay to say or do that they will be embarrassed by?)

Here's my guess at the first one: human-robot relationships, or even just robo-rights. I can't see myself ever trying to stop someone from marrying their 'droid, but I can see my imaginary grandkids groaning in embarrassment when I whisper a little too loudly that it's "just a machine."

For the second question, I predict it will be all the consumerism, waste, and disregard for environmental concerns. My grandkids will no doubt not only be unable to believe it, but I think they'll be downright offended.

Heck, even the fact that I do live all alone in this apartment might be unimaginable in its own right: all this space and all these resources, just for one person.

Or hey, maybe we'll actually progress to a point in racial justice and Indigenous sovereignty that we will be rightly horrified and the injustice and inequality today! I WOULD LIKE THAT!

What do you think will offend the young folks' liberal sensibilities in 40 years? What would you have trouble accepting?


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This Week in Church: Death

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

I think that church can teach things that are beneficial to everyone, whether or not we believe in church-related things.

This week in church we talked about death.

What if death wasn't the last thing? What if it was the second to last thing?

It was Easter Sunday, so the main point of the sermon was about Easter and salvation-like things, but this phrase caught my attention. I love this concept of taking something that previously seemed so final, so immovable, and maybe scary, and just saying, "nope, it doesn't end there."

Where do we think we have an ending? What is scary and final and foreboding? What if it's actually something that could be defeated? What if it's the beginning of something else?


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Inspiration! Roundup: Living Life All Over Again, the Universe, Homemade Cards, and More!

A collection of inspirational thing, a poem about living life over again, time lapse of the universe, startled animals, and more!
This Week's "I want to go to there": I am just so ready for summer!
Photo by Arthur Poulin.

Over Again

If I had my life to live over again,
I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.
I’d relax.
I’d limber up.
I’d be sillier than I’ve been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances,
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but fewer imaginary ones.
you see, I’m one of those people who was sensible and sane,
hour after hour,
day after day.


Nadine Stair, 85 years old

The Universe

A ten-minute time-lapse of the universe's creation.


Homemade Cards

Here's an idea that you could use if you have kids: use the never-ending deluge of artwork they bring home from school or daycare as greeting cards. I know I would love it.

Bewildered

Lindsey Thomas makes felted animals who all look a little... bewildered. It's very charming.


Complaints

"Complaining is something that seems to come so easy and naturally to us, but the problem is: complaints have no magic. They don't make anyone's day better, and they don't help the situation. Try to go on a complaint cleanse. Monitor when complaints pop into your mind, and instead of saying them out loud, let them go. When we do this, we allow for our language to be part of how we make the world more magical and peaceful."
-Chloe Wade

I tried to do 24 hours without complaining once. It was harder than I expected it to be, and I probably complained about it. Still, it's a pretty wonderful habit to get into. There are far more magical things to talk about.


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How to Recycle Those Old Clothes That Don't Spark Joy for ANYONE

Ratty old clothes that can't be donated anywhere can still be recycled at these retailers: H&M, Patagonia, Levi's, North Face, and More!
Photo by Brina Blum.

Like everyone else, I have become mildly obsessed with getting rid of stuff I don't want/need/love organizing the rest of my life to optimize my access to the stuff I do want/need/love.

This has led me to make a number of trips to my local thrift stores with bags and boxes full of stuff, but it has also led me to stand in front of the garbage can, holding something that is not good enough quality to donate, feeling incredibly guilty about the idea of throwing it out.

Turns out, there are still things that can be done with damaged goods! Or at least, clothes. A number of retailers now accept donations of clothes or shoes from any brand, in any condition, for reuse and recycling. Some even give coupons to buy more new stuff if you actually need to replace that holey t-shirt and don't just need to purge it.

Some places you can recycle your ratty old clothes:

H&M (why not have the purveyor of fast fashion help clean up the mess?)

North Face

Nike (shoes only)

Patagonia (Patagonia brand only)

Levi Strauss

Zara (selected stores)

Happy recycling!


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Singalong! Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something

Need an upbeat song about a couple that rediscovers their romance through a shared appreciation for a barely-remembered Audrey Hepburn movie? Here it is!


BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S
by Deep Blue Something

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
But I know you just don't care

And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said, "I think I remember that film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it."
And I said "Well, that's one thing we've got."

I see you - the only one who knew me
And now your eyes see through me
I guess I was wrong
So what now? It's plain to see we're over
And I hate when things are over -
When so much is left undone

And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said, "I think I remember that film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it."
And I said "Well, that's one thing we've got."

You say that we've got nothing in common
No common ground to start from
And we're falling apart
You'll say the world has come between us
Our lives have come between us
Still I know you just don't care

And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said, "I think I remember that film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it."
And I said "Well, that's one thing we've got."
And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said, "I think I remember that film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it."
And I said "Well, that's one thing we've got."
And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said, "I think I remember that film
And as I recall, I think we both kinda liked it."
And I said "Well, that's one thing we've got."

Singalong to a song about Breakfast at Tiffany by Deep Blue
Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Tylenol Numbs More Than Just Your Pain, Laws Changing Biases, and More!

Did you know that taking acetaminophen, the active ingredient in Tylenol, can reduce your empathy?
Photo by Pina Messina.

Numbing the Pain

Acetaminophen, the main ingredient in Tylenol, may numb more than our own pain. New research suggests that people who take acetaminophen are more indifferent to other people's pain and pleasure. All those people railing against our over-medicated society probably had no idea that their Children's Tylenol is part of the problem!

Legally Changing Biases

We all know that discrimination does not just end when legislation changes. People are still racist, sexist, and homophobic even though it's not legal to act on it. However, new research does show that legalizing gay marriage in the United States did reduce homophobia. Researchers guess that when it became legally acceptable for gay people to get married, people's perceptions of what is normal may have begun to shift.

Microplastics in the Air

We all know about microplastics in the ocean and how they are clogging up fish gills and doing all sorts of terrible things, but did you know that they are also in the air, ultimately littering our mountains? Will we EVER LEARN that ruining nature means ruining a giant, interconnected system of things where we can never fully anticipate the outcomes?

Zombie Pigs

Researchers hooked the brains of dead pigs up to a system called BrainEx and it completely restored their cellular function. Now, their consciousness did not return, just the cellular function. Which, I believe, brings us one step closer to zombies?

Your Cheating Face

Turns out that both men and women can recognize a that a person is a cheater just by looking at their face - but only if that person is a man. For whatever reason, a man's proclivity to cheat really is written all over his face.


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Do You Dance With Your Unfillable Hole?

What does it actually mean to dance with your unfillable hole?
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A Seth Godin blog post a while back asked: "how big is your unfillable hole?"

Of course, the size doesn't matter--it can't be filled.

His point:

"The first step to living with it is to acknowledge it.

You can’t make it go away.

But you can learn to dance with it."


Now, I am going to be honest: I understand learning to ignore, dismiss, work around, or even accept the presence of negative thoughts and experiences. What I don't understand, however, is what people mean when they say things like "learn to dance with it."

Dancing with something is playful. It's fun. Perhaps most importantly, it involves prolonged, ongoing contact with your dance partner. You laugh together. You chat. You try a new step and are exhilerated when you get it right. Or perhaps, you both look awkwardly off to the side with wide eyes and sewn-shut mouths, going through the motions until the song is over.

Either way, if you are dancing with someone you are voluntarily spending time with them, accepting things that they offer and then making your own contribution to the exchange.

I'm not going to lie: I don't want to spend extra time hanging out with the dark voices in my head, let alone accepting what they have to offer as a contribution to our dance.

The closest I have gotten to being playful with my unfillable holes is when I have gotten to a point of being able to curiously examine them.

Since curiosity has a bit of a detached amusement to it, it allows me to poke at and even gain an appreciation for them as I learn where they came from and what makes them tick. Then that curiosity is what leads me to be able to effectively work around them later.

It lets me say, "Okay, I get you, you can just hang out there and shout whatever you want, but I'm going to be over here doing other things because you are actually full of lies." Or even, "You're saying that I'm useless and dumb, but underneath that you're afraid no one loves me, so I am going to spend time with some people who do love me and hopefully you'll let some of that love in."

Is that dancing with them?

If it is, I am not being a very good dance partner. I spend just enough time with them to figure them out, and then sidestep, deflect, ignore, placate, and avoid.

What about you? Do you dance with your unfillable hole? What does that mean to you?


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Inspiration! Roundup: Being There, Frozen Lakes, Bodies Are Different, and More!

A roundup of inspirational things for the week, including quotes, art, and ideas.
This Week's "I want to go to there": Hanging around a campfire. You know why? That means it's SUMMER!
Photo by Myles Tan.

Being There

“Wherever you are, make sure you’re there.” 
— Dan Sullivan

Frozen

Lake Michigan froze, and then broke. The result is stunning.

Bodies

Image Source: Grace Club YVR.

I find this a useful reminder and an inspiration! We are all different!

One Safe Assumption

Here is one assumption we can make that, if we are wrong, doesn't really make an ass out of everyone involved: assume that everyone is doing their best. Some days, my best looks better than other days, and so does theirs, and our "bests" are not going to look the same, in general. But it's our best, at that time.

Romain Laurent

Artist Romain Laurent has created bizarre animated gifs out of everyday images, and they are super fun.


No Points for Busy

"No points for busy. Points for successful prioritization. Points for efficiency and productivity. Points for doing work that matters."
-Seth Godin

This is a hard one to hear, but it's a good one. Busyness is a safe place that allows us to avoid tough choices, accountability, and confronting our lives.


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On Relationships, Dr. Phil, and Caretaking

I came across this powerful post on Facebook about caregiving in relationships by Rebekah Taussig, who goes by @sitting_pretty on Instagram. I bookmarked the post, it was so impactful to me.


This last bit really gets me:

"I would like the whole world — including Dr Phil — to please stop assuming that being disabled is some kind of alien experience planets away from the rest of humanity. You need some version of care, I need another, and we’re all here just trying our best to sort it out and find connection and love the best we can, forever and amen."

I am totally guilty of this. As soon as the label "disability" is put on something, it is categorized as somehow separate from regular life in my mind. This is absurd, dehumanizing, and kind of laughable. I have been working on being better about this, and will continue to do so thanks in large part to people like @sitting_pretty who generously share their experiences so that I can learn.

Also, I appreciate the reminder of something at the heart of every single relationship: caretaking. People certainly don't get together with others because they have zero needs and are totally fine all on our own. Whether it's providing emotional support while making a big life decision, making sure they actually go to the doctor, or helping them physically when they are unwell, we take care of the people we love.

Maybe what Dr. Phil should have said is, "100% of relationships include caretaking. Some in different ways than others, and some more intensely than others. If you feel like your only role is caretaker, and not friend and lover as well, then perhaps the dynamic is off, but if you are not taking care of each other at all, then do you even care?"

Sometimes this is what caretaking in a relationship looks like.
Photo by Toa Heftiba.


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Tiny Life Tip: The Best Souvenir

A tiny life tip taken from Lifehacker: buy socks as your souvenir while travelling
Photo by The Creative Exchange.

What do you like to pick up to have as a souvenir from travel? I often gravitate towards stationary, as I can barely resist a good stationary store in real life, let alone while travelling. Art postcards have often seemed like a great choice that I have gone on to leave in a drawer.

At one point in time, I would buy a pair of underwear from the cities I visited. I liked it because I wear underwear every single darn day, and so I would get regular reminders of the fun place I visited when I put on my souvenir pair.

The thing is, underwear isn't found at a lot of tourist attractions, and so this would involve going into an H&M basically anywhere, which is less appealing now than it was when I was 19 and H&M was exclusively European. Plus, it's not something you can just have on hand to give as a gift when you get home.

What is equally practical in day-to-day life, but also available at most tourist stops AND a decent gift? SOCKS! Get socks! Buy socks for all your souvenirs! They can be fun and weird or they can be practical and they are everywhere and an easy gift! Done!

From Lifehacker.


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Singalong! Love on Top by Beyoncé

Confession time: MOST Beyoncé songs make me cry. I don't know what it is, but she gets me pretty much every single time. This very simple and joyous love song has been one of those for me, from the start. Also, I majorly love her moves in this video.


LOVE ON TOP
by Beyoncé

Bring the beat in

Honey honey
I can see the stars all the way from here
Can't you see the glow on the window pane
I can feel the sun whenever you're near
Every time you touch me I just melt away
Now everybody ask me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear
(They say love hurts)
But I know (it's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect but it's worth it
After fighting through my tears and finally you put me first

Baby it's you
You're the one I love
You're the one I need
You're the only one I see
Come on baby it's you
You're the one that gives your all
You're the one I can always call
When I need to make everything stop
Finally you put my love on top

Ooh come on baby
You put my love on top top top top top
You put my love on top
Ooh ooh
Come on baby
You put my love on top top top top top
You put my love on top
My love on top

Baby I can hear the wind whip past my face
As we dance the night away
And boy your look it tastes like a night of champagne
As I kiss you again and again and again and again
Now everybody ask me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear
(They say love hurts)
But I know (it's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect but it's worth it
After fighting through my tears and finally you put me first

Baby it's you
You're the one I love
You're the one I need
You're the only one I see
Come on baby it's you
You're the one that gives your all
You're the one I can always call
When I need to make everything stop
Finally you put my love on top

Ooh baby
You put my love on top top top top top
You put my love on top
Ooh ooh
Come on baby
You put my love on top top top top top
Put my love on top
My love on top

Baby it's you
You're the one I love
You're the one I need
You're the only thing I see
Come on baby it's you
You're the one that gives your all
You're the one that always calls
When I need you baby everything stops
Finally you put my love on top

Baby you're the one that I love
Baby you're all I need
You're the only one I see
Come on baby it's you
You're the one that gives your all
You're the one that always calls
When I need you everything stops
Finally you put my love on top

Sing Along with Beyonce's Love On Top Lyrics
Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Faking Smiles Drives You to Drink, Snow Warming, Implicit Biases, THE BLACK HOLE PHOTO, and More!

Did you know that working in the service industry drives people to drink? Officially? That's one of many new items of research for rounded up for you to learn!
Photo by Jia Jia Shum.

Fake Smiles, Real Drinks

If you've worked in customer service, you probably have experienced the exhaustion of acting positive while dealing with the public all day. Well, now we know that this experience drives workers in these kinds of jobs to drink, literally!

Snow Warming

You would think that snow is all just part of life as usual in chilly climates, but in the Arctic, snowflakes falling on the ice are creating a nice little blanket to warm and MELT IT! Not good!

Implicit Bias is Going Down

For once there is some positive news about the pervasive biases that poison our minds and hearts every single day! A new study shows that implicit biases (default, unconscious negative assumptions) are decreasing with regards to race, sexuality, and skin tone. We're not done yet, not by a long shot, but it's progress! PROGRESS!

Twins in Space

NASA was able to do a proper study on the impacts of time spent in space on a person's health by comparing twins - one who was in space and one who was on the ground. The happy result is that health can be sustained in space! Yay!

THE BLACK HOLE!!!

It's all anyone who cares about outer space is talking about this week: scientists were able to take a photo of a black hole!!! If you're like me, you thought this was cool but don't know enough about the cosmos and science to fully grasp the significance. Here is an explanation.


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It's Possible I Have Become Too Dependent on Sunlight for Happiness

Does the weather affect your mood? Maybe a little too much? Me too!
Giphy.

I think I may have become a little too attached to sunlight for my happiness.

As soon as winter solstice hit, I started looking up a sunrise calendar. It had this fun slider where you could move the dates forward and see sunrise get earlier and earlier. I would honestly just sit there, moving the slider back and forth, dreaming about summer and getting truly bummed out over the bump backwards in morning light that came with daylight savings.

I have also literally caught myself thinking, "Do I get to be happy?" while checking the weather reports to see if it would be sunny or rainy.

This is... extreme. And perhaps not entirely healthy behaviour.


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What Happens When We Shift the Goal to Where We Are Now?

Photo by Markus Spiske.

Yesterday I wrote about an insight I gathered from Emily Nagoski's very smart book Come As You Are. Well, now I am going to share another one. Later I will probably share more. This book is full of wonderful wisdom.

This one is about goals: you know how, in an ideal world, we set goals and then work hard and then achieve them?

It's a great process, when it works out. But what if it not only doesn't work out, but can't? What if the goal is to change something about yourself that is unchangeable and the effort will only lead to misery?

In the book, Nagoski is, of course, talking about sexual things. She is talking about women who think they should have desire or pleasure that work in one particular way. Women who have the goal of changing how their body works, which is going to be very difficult at best, mostly leading to increased heartache and decreased pleasure.

Her suggestion? Change the goal. Either make it closer, and thus more achievable, or just flatten the space between yourself and the goal completely. What if your goal was to be exactly where you are now and all you had to do is enjoy it?

This reminds me a little bit of a lightbulb moment I had in my career several years ago. You see, I got hired to run the marketing and publicity for a theatre company with very little pay, zero experience, and ambivalence about whether I was tragically giving up on my dream of being an actor or embracing a life that I was better suited for. I never really felt like I had "made it" - I was always working to figure out how to do my job, how to afford to live while doing my job, and comparing myself to very successful artists AND producers.

Then one day, an actor who also taught at a local university asked me if I would speak to his class. He wanted them to hear about my job and how I approached my work. He thought my experience would be useful, and even perhaps inspiring, to them.

I spoke to the class, and then afterwards was flabbergasted to realize that, for those students, I was living the dream. I had a paying, regular job in theatre that was creative, challenging, and interesting.

If I shifted the goal, I wasn't trying to make it; I had made it.

Seeing my life and work from this new perspective didn't make me stop desiring to learn and grow, but it did help me see that I could enjoy where I was along the way. I was starting in a good place! The climb was along a scenic mountainside, not trudging out of an endless and smelly canyon!

Goals are good, they help us improve and can provide direction to life, but it all depends on what the goal is. Working to learn a new skill is one thing. Believing that happiness is on the other side of changing how your body or personality or desires work is another. That's like setting a goal to become taller when you are 34 years old.

Or here's an even worse one: believing that happiness is on the other side of changing how another person works. That's like setting a goal to make someone else taller.

So if you have a goal that is making you miserable, just imagine: what if you've made it? What if the goal is wherever you are now and you are done? What does that mean? Where does that idea bring sadness? Grief, even? What if we imagine letting that grief pass - what's on the other side of it? Where does that idea bring freedom? Relief? Joy?


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What If Your Body is Cause for Celebration?

Photo by Loren Joseph.

I am currently reading Emily Nagoski's brilliant book about the science of female sexuality, Come As You Are. I have many bookmarked pages, but there is one quote I had to stop and write down:

"What if your body is cause for celebration?"

That. Just that one sentence. No qualifiers or context or anything else to soften or diminish the concept that your body, and mine, could be cause for celebration. All on its own.

The combination of excitement and discomfort I feel from that statement tells me a lot. It's similar to how I felt when I started to confront my self-loathing and wondered what it might be like to like myself. Again, the idea of saying "I am awesome" without any fumbles or additions to diminish the scope of awesomeness was a terrifying and kind of enthralling idea. (I wrote a book about it! Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself!)

So what if my body (and yours, and that random person on the bus') actually was cause for celebration? What would that mean?

First of all, it would mean that our bodies are worth something, all on their own. That they are awesome, exciting, fun, cool things with some eye-popping features. Conversely, it wouldn't mean that they are perfect, whatever that would even be, which is fine. Something doesn't have to be perfect to be worth an entire awards show being thrown in its favour--in fact, it never is.

So how do we celebrate our bodies? Do we throw parties for them? Give them awards? Walk up to everyone we see and say, "HEY! ISN'T MY BODY COOL??? SO IS YOURS!!!"

Here is an idea:

When I get a compliment on something that I genuinely love, like say, an item of clothing or some delicious cookies I baked, I don't get awkward or try to brush it off. I celebrate the thing with the person and may point out more cool things they may not have noticed.

Sample dialogue:

Other Person: "These cookies are so good!"

Me: "Thanks, I love them too! They are really easy to make! Also, if you like to eat cookie dough, these are the best because they don't have eggs!"

Other Person: "Oooh, will you share the recipe?"

Me: "OF COURSE! Also, your jacket is really nice!"

Other Person: "Thank you! I just got it and I LOVE it! It's waterproof and the hood is so roomie and it has many pockets!"

So that's one thing that might change if we thought our bodies were cause for celebration: we might just get excited right along with someone else if they gave us a compliment instead of awkwardly shrinking away.

Celebrating our bodies could also mean that instead of wishing our bodies looked or functioned differently, we might just let them be what they are and focused instead on the things that make them look and feel great. (And that is great for us--the people living inside the bodies--not some lame social standard or what-have-you.)

Photo by Benjamin Balazs.

There is something interesting going on for me as I write this: I have huge alarm bells going off in my mind. Something in my brain is afraid that prioritizing pleasure for my body means a full-on descent into hedonism where I do nothing but gorge myself on rich chocolate cake, fancy wine, sex on silky sheets, and other bawdy indulgences, selfishly flaking on anything that doesn't feel good in that moment and never flossing my teeth again.

This is ridiculous for several reasons, one being that this picture of hedonism does not sound very pleasant to me. The notion of a life of prioritizing feeling good in my body sending me down a path that doesn't actually feel good is not exactly logical. It points to something sneaking in from the Puritanical Fears Hotline where pleasure equals sex and sex equals bad.

Or maybe this fear is a visitor from "If I Eat One Chip, I'll Eat the Whole Bag" Slippery Slope Town, which also makes no sense. Shoving a bunch of chips in your face stops feeling good at some point and after that moment, it is certainly not a celebration of anything.

Here are some other ideas of ways to prioritize feeling good in a body that actually do seem celebratory to me:

We could wear pyjamas made out of silk because we like the way the silk feels against our skin and our skin deserves to feel nice.

We could move our bodies in a way that feels invigorating and fun and leaves us feeling alive instead of to punish ourselves for liking doughnuts.

We could eat those doughnuts when we want to taste that incredible sweetness and feel the satisfaction of a puff of dough smushing into our mouths.

We could give ourselves medicine when we need it, not when the discomfort becomes unbearable, and enjoy the freedom that modern medicine can provide.

We could get massages, just because they feel good.

We could go outside in the sunshine in the middle of the workday to feel the warmth on our exposed skin.

We could only wear underwear that feels wonderful to put on and wear all day, instead of stuff that pinches or chafes or rides up or has holes in it, because that stuff hangs out next to our bits all day and our bits matter.

We could dance with wild abandon, moving however the heck feels great in that moment.

We could lie down in bed and feel the sweet moment when our muscles realize they get to relax now.

We could stick our hands into a pool of water, just to feel it move between our fingers.

We could do things that are physically challenging and make us feel so strong.

We could enjoy the things our bodies do and feel and when we make choices that affect our bodies, we could ask ourselves if this choice celebrates our bodies or not.

That sounds nice.

Giphy


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