I always liked this song, and then it became a foundational moment in the relationship between David and Patrick and now I die a little every time I hear it. I even added it to my Good Romance playlist, a playlist full of all my favourite love songs that I think reflect something about what love is really all about.
I often like to go for a walk on a first or second date, and it turns out that is a good choice, at least if I want to increase the odds that the person will like me. A new study shows that walking side-by-side leads people to feel more connected, and that effect is bigger if they wind up unintentionally synchronizing their steps. (Or that synchronized steps are a sign of a better connection!)
The question of who we instinctively deem as trustworthy says a lot about our unconscious biases. A new study looks at Airbnb hosts and asks who people find trustworthy. It revealed a clear pecking order: women are more trustworthy than men, older people over younger people, those who smile more than those who don't, and, of course, those who are attractive. It looks like this study did not take race into account, which would have added another interesting layer.
"I understand why people don't follow their dreams. It's so uncomfortable."
A friend of mine said this while we were talking about a big step she's taking in following one of her dreams. She is right in the worst part of going for it: right when it's about to become real and she just has to take a few more steps to push herself over the edge.
I get it. Publishing my book was a deeply uncomfortable process. I felt like all my insides were going to smash themselves into smithereens at many times in the process, and it was always when I was taking concrete steps towards making it real.
It was fine to dream about it. It was fine to research it and plan for how I would do it. It was even fine to do the background work with an editor or a publicist.
It was NOT fine to reach out to friends who were writers and ask them to recommend an editor. It was NOT fine to announce that it was going to happen and ask people to sign up for my mailing list. It was NOT fine to wake up on the day of my book launch party and know I was going to have to go stand in front of a bunch of people and read out loud from my book and answer questions and live in the physical reality of what I had just done.
None of that was fine. It was exhilarating and meaningful and overflowing with joy and also terrifying and shame-generating and, weirdly, a little annoying, and that combination of feelings was DEEPLY uncomfortable.
The more important a dream is to you, the deeper inside of you it sits, the more it's yours (as opposed to a team effort that diffuses your responsibility), the more uncomfortable it's going to feel to make it real.
This is the price of making your dreams come true. For many, it's too much to bear.
Or rather, much of the time, it's too much to bear.
I don't know that the world is divided into those who follow their dreams and those who don't. I think that most of us follow some of our dreams while we let others fade.
Maybe we can only handle so much of this discomfort in our lifetimes.
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This Week's "I want to go to there": I really just want to put my feet up!
Photo by Alexandra Avelar.
The Dreamiest of Dream Bedrooms
I can't even imagine waking up in this bedroom every day. What a freaking life that would be.
Seagull Photobombers
Photographer Skander Khliff has begun releasing a series of photos from his travel photography where seagulls have accidentally - and perfectly - bombed the shots. Honestly, the lighting and layout of some of these seem a little too perfect to be an accident, but I still like it!
"There's a ton you can get in life if you're willing to submit to the mortifying horror of asking for it."
Not sure the true source of this quote, but here it is on Instagram. I like this as an opposition to "manifesting" or The Secret-style philosophies where you just put your energies out into the world to get what you want. There is a big difference between dreaming something into reality and asking for it.
Re-Ravelling Dreams
If your dreams have unravelled, you can always re-ravel them.
As a taller person, I truly LOVE the idea of a same height party, where people wear different heights of platform shoes so they match (I assume) the tallest person there.
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The idea comes from Nicole Dieker on Lifehacker who noticed a pattern in her mood tracking app - on days where she did something she enjoyed right at the end, she gave the day as a whole higher ratings.
For her, this included verboten activities like watching funny videos on YouTube (screen time! Evil!) and not-so-controversial things like reading a good book. Her criteria is simply that it's an activity that makes her feel relaxed and makes her smile.
If this isn't an excellent idea, at the very least it's one worth trying.
Honestly, my main holdup is trying to figure out exactly what counts. If I'm home for the evening, then chances are my last activity before I go to bed is watching a little TV. Nothing wrong with that, and I do enjoy it, but does it make me smile? Not really. Most of the time, it's pretty passive consumption of something I have already seen. (Yes, I'm one of the people who has watched The Office a zillion times.)
Also, what counts as relaxing??? Oh man, I am getting so up in my head about this now.
Okay, here are some ideas, and I am trying not to overthink it too much:
Watch something I haven't already seen that requires me to pay attention.
Do yoga.
Read a book that I really enjoy.
Connect with a friend in a meaningful way.
Listen to some music (like, actually listen to it, not just put it on in the background).
Go for a walk outside.
Make some no-stakes physical art (like paint or colour - I am not good at drawing and that stresses me out, so not drawing).
Do some stream-of-consciousness writing.
Put myself in the presence of something beautiful.
This seems like as good a place as any to start.
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I heard Hurray for the Riff Raff for the first time when they were the openers at a concert (honestly don't even remember which concert), and I was completely swept up in their spell. Their powerful, tragic, protest lyrics coming from Puerto Rican oppression are an intense and beautiful cry. There is a lot of infuriating stuff happening in the world right now, and my corner of the world is Canada where there is some intense colonial oppression rising to the forefront and so I needed to go back to this song. Pa'lante means forward.
PA'LANTE
by Hurray for the Riff Raff
Oh I just wanna go to work --
And get back home, and be something
I just wanna fall and lie --
And do my time, and be something
Well I just wanna prove my worth --
On the planet Earth, and be something
I just wanna fall in love
Not fuck it up, and feel something
Well lately, don’t understand what I am
Treated as a fool
Not quite a woman or a man
Well I don’t know
I guess I don’t understand the plan
Colonized, and hypnotized, be something
Sterilized, dehumanized, be something
Well take your pay
And stay out the way, be something
Ah do your best
But fuck the rest, be something
Well lately, it’s been mighty hard to see
Just searching for my lost humanity
I look for you, my friend
But do you look for me?
Lately I’m not too afraid, to die
I wanna leave it all behind
I think about it sometimes
Lately all my time’s been movin slow
I don’t know where I’m gonna go
Just give me time, I’ll know
Oh, any day now
Oh, any day now
I will come along
Oh, any day now
Oh, any day now
I will come along
I will come along
Dead Puerto Ricans who never knew they were Puerto Ricans
Who never took a coffee break from the 10th commandment
To kill, kill, kill
The landlords of their cracked skulls
And communicate with their Latin souls
Juan, Miguel, Milagros, Olga, Manuel
From the nervous breakdown streets where the mice live like millionaires
And the people do not live at all
From el barrio to Arecibo, ¡Pa’lante!
From Marble Hill to the ghost of Emmett Till, ¡Pa’lante!
Just fill in this THREE-QUESTION SURVEY! You will go a long way in helping me make sure that the content of the workshop is meaningful and helpful to people.
The workshop will be both available online and in-person (in-person in Vancouver only, unless you want to fly me somewhere!), and there is also a place to jot down your email address if you want to be notified when the workshop is ready.
You don't have to have read the book!
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New research shows that people with depression find darker memes funnier and more uplifting than people without depression. I can attest to loving some dark, depression-based humour now and again, even though I don't identify as currently having depression. I have always felt that joking about those dark feelings gives them a name and takes away some of their power.
Going Grey
We all know that stress seems to turn people's hair grey, and now science knows it, too. A new study shows that fight-or-flight stress can turn mice's hair grey and that perhaps overactive nerves are the reason why.
I'm not going to lie, my expectations were high when I started reading Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. Emily Nagoski's last book, Come As You Are is by far one of my favourite non-fiction books of all time. I wrote threeblogposts about some of the mega "ah-ha!" moments I got from it.
Burnout wasn't the revolutionary follow-up to Come As You Are, at least not for me. But it was very good and in the end I realized that I had still written down a bunch of quotes and notes from the book that I want to share with you.
"To be 'well' is not to live in a state of perpetual safety or calm, but to move fluidly from a state of adversity, risk, adventure, or excitement, back to safety and calm, and out again."
"Stress is not bad for you; being stuck is bad for you."
Ooooooh guys. These were worth the price of admission alone. (In my case, the price of admission was the time I waited to get it from the library.)
Despite the fact that I wrote about this very concept in my own book (Feeling Better), I would guess that 50% of the content of my recent counselling sessions is my counsellor reminding me that feelings ebb and flow and our goal isn't to turn all my feelings golden. (And then I say, "I know I know I know, but also that's just what I want to do!" and we loop around again. Counsellors are so patient.)
Other Pearls of Wisdom:
Positive Re-Appraisal: It isn't telling yourself that things are ultimately "okay" or forcing yourself to be grateful, even in the worst situation. It's recognizing that a circumstance is hard while still seeing the opportunity for growth within it and then seeing the growth as worth it. Still hard, but worth it.
Decision Grid: If you are making a "should I stay or should I go?" decision, don't make a pros and cons list. Instead, make a grid. The two columns are "staying the same" and "quitting". In each column you list the benefits for right now, the benefits in the long-term, the costs for right now, and the costs in the long-term.
Trust: We should be wary, not only of people we don't feel are trustworthy, but of people who are incapable of trust. Not that we toss them aside, but that we maybe don't offer them our deepest hopes and dreams and fears--their inability to trust is likely to rub off or make us feel worse.
Motivation: Many of us think we will only achieve a goal or work hard if we constantly beat ourselves up along the way. But maybe we only think that works because we have always done it, and really we have an innate desire to do good work and contribute to the world that is working double-time alongside all that self-flagellation and if we stopped being so mean to ourselves that desire would thrive.
Finally, the last lines from the book that brought tears to my eyes:
"Trust your body.
Be kind to yourself.
You are enough, just as you are right now.
Your joy matters.
Tell everyone you know."
This Week's "I want to go to there": I just got back from a sunny desert getaway with some of my dearest pals and it felt just like this. Let's go back! Photo by Heng Films.
Your Name's Colour
Artist Bernadette Sheridan has started a project to show people without synesthesia what colour their names are. It's beautiful!
This collection of 99 things to do after a breakup is really wonderful for processing any loss or unwelcome change in life. Or even just for reconnecting to a sense of goodness in ourselves.
Even the stuff that seems breakup specific, like unfollowing your ex on social media, applies: what is the emotional equivalent of an ex for you right now? What has that same pull as revisiting an ex's Instagram, where you feel compelled to look but you know it will only make you feel bad? Unfollow!
Dinosaurs in Love
They are cute, no?
Right Now
"The world needs our immediate presence."
-Louise Penny, paraphrasing Miguel Cervantes
In the Wild
I truly love love love Liz Sexton's papier-mache animal heads. They are hilarious and wonderful.
Every once in a while, I see it again and think, "oh yeah, that's a good idea."
It's hard though, right? It's hard because chances are that I don't want to be where I am. I want to be over there and if I start where I am that's admitting that I'm not over there already. Or maybe I've heard a really compelling story about someone who started somewhere totally different and then got there, and maybe I should start where that person started, too? Because it seemed to work for them?
Or mayyyyybe some weird part of me wants to start somewhere further back. Somewhere sort of like rock bottom (but not actually rock bottom, because that might be a little too unpleasant), where I have no choice but to go up.
But I'm not in any of those places. I am where I am, and for some reason, that can be really hard to accept.
I do believe that where we are truly is the only place we can be. It's like in La La Land when they do the whole flashback/flashforward to what would have happened if our dancing lovers had stayed together. It's a version of their lives that could have happened, but it's definitely not what did happen. It's nothing more than a story. (I mean, the whole movie is a story, but you know what I mean.)
The same goes for our lives. All the alternate versions of my life where I could have become a dancer or told that person how I really felt or worked harder or worked less or went to a different school or taken a different job - they are stories. I can live in those fictions if I want to, but they aren't real. They aren't where I am. I can't start there.
I have to start here. And that's pretty good, too.
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Honestly, I can't believe I haven't featured Janelle Monae as a singalong yet. Not that she NEEDS the extra drop of glory from this blog, but dang if I don't want to give it to her! Because she is a dream, and so is this song! Let's sing along with it!
Q.U.E.E.N.
by Janelle Monae ft. Erykah Badu
I can't believe all of the things they say about me
Walk in the room they throwing shade left to right
They be like, "Ooh, she serving face"
And I just tell 'em cut me up and get down
They call us dirty cause we break all your rules down
And we just came to act a fool, is that all right? (Girl, that's alright)
They be like, "Ooh, let them eat cake."
But we eat wings and throw them bones on the ground
Am I a freak for dancing around?
Am I a freak for getting down?
I'm cutting up, don't cut me down
Yeah I wanna be, wanna be Queen
Is it peculiar that she twerk in the mirror?
And am I weird to dance alone late at night?
And is it true we're all insane?
And I just tell 'em, "No we ain't" and get down
I heard this life is just a play with no rehearsal
I wonder will this be my final act tonight
And tell me what's the price of fame?
Am I a sinner with my skirt on the ground?
Am I a freak for dancing around?
Am I a freak for getting down?
I'm cutting up, don't cut me down
Yeah I wanna be, wanna be Queen
Hey brother can you save my soul from the devil?
Say is it weird to like the way she wear her tights?
And is it rude to wear my shades?
Am I a freak because I love watching Mary? (Maybe)
Hey sister am I good enough for your heaven?
Say will your God accept me in my black and white?
Will he approve the way I'm made?
Or should I reprogram, deprogram and get down?
Am I a freak for dancing around?
Am I a freak for getting down?
I'm cutting up, don't cut me down
Yeah I wanna be, wanna be Queen
Even if it makes others uncomfortable
I will love who I am
Even if it makes others uncomfortable
I will love who I am
Ohh, shake 'til the break of dawn
Don't mean to sing so tough, I can't take it no more
Baby, me and tuxedo groove
Pharaohs and E. Badu
Crazy in the black and white
We got the drums so tight
Baby, here comes your freedom song
Too strong, we moving on
Baby, this melody will show you another way
Been 'droids for far too long
Come home and sing your song
But you gotta testify, because the booty don't lie
No, no, the booty don't lie; oh no, the booty don't lie
Yeah.. yeah, let's flip it
I don't think they understand what I'm trying to say
Haha, yeah, uh, I asked a question like this:
"Are we a lost generation of our people?
Add us to equations but they'll never make us equal
She who writes the movie owns the script and the sequel
So why ain't the stealing of my rights made illegal?
They keep us underground working hard for the greedy
But when it's time pay they turn around and call us needy
My crown too heavy like the Queen Nefertiti
Gimme back my pyramid, I'm trying to free Kansas City
Mixing masterminds like your name Bernie Grundman
Well I'mma keep leading like a young Harriet Tubman
You can take my wings but I'm still gonna fly
And even when you edit me the booty don't lie
Yeah, I'ma keep sangin', I'mma keep writin' songs
I'm tired of Marvin asking me "What's Going On?"
March through the streets 'cuz I'm willing and I'm able
Categorize me, I defy every label
And while you're selling dope, we're gonna keep selling hope
We rising up now, you gotta deal you gotta cope
Will you be electric sheep? Electric ladies, will you sleep?
Not only are people generally wasting twice as much food as we previously estimated, but we know who the culprits are: the wealthier someone is, the more food they waste. It starts once our daily expenditures rise about $6.70, and then keeps going up. Puts a twist on the "eat the rich" movement, doesn't it?
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Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.
This week in church we talked about lying on the bathroom floor, crying, and wondering if you should give up.
Everyone experiences these moments in life: the ones where it (whatever "it" is) seems too hard, where you don't know what to do, where everything is just one big pile of failure and you're left lying on the (literal or metaphorical) bathroom floor, crying, wondering if there is even a way forward. If hope appears, it usually comes from the tiniest opening in the dark curtains that surround you - perhaps a small encouraging word or teensy act of kindness from someone around you or a still, small voice in your heart that isn't ready to give up.
What has kept you from falling apart when all seemed lost?
This week in church we talked about how far we have fallen.
This one didn't come direct from the pulpit, but is my own interpretation: the pastor was talking about how the early church, in all likelihood, spread so quickly because Christians were doing things like taking in widows and orphans, providing healthcare for free, and generally not oppressing the oppressed. Who isn't going to be intrigued by a movement with such radical compassion at its core?
My first thought as he described this beautiful Christian community? My, how far we have fallen. Too bad the Christian church is now largely associated with the opposite of those things. (At least in North America.)
This week in church we talked about the Word.
Defining "The Word of the Lord" as something that cuts to the core of who you are and forces you to see yourself and life in a whole new light, where do you hear The Word of the Lord?
I hear it in art (plays, books, and music) and counselling, mostly. Sometimes in church.
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This Week's "I want to go to there": A getaway in a fun-shaped cabin. And I'm doing it! I leave shortly to stay in a geodesic home in the desert. I CAN'T WAIT! Photo by Kyle Glenn.
Exercise Books
The Exercise Book Archive has been collecting children's school exercise books for 15 years. They have books from 1773-present from all over the world. It's pretty freaking cool.
I have always loved seeing how water warps our view of things. Thank goodness photographer Suzanne Saroff found the notion interesting enough to photograph too!
Inspired by an aside in The Artist's Way (the book that led me to a week of reading deprivation), I recently started to try to do one kind thing for myself every day.
It's been quite lovely. The changes have been small but meaningful in making my life just a little bit nicer.
For instance, I cycle to work, rain or shine. One day that was going to just dump rain, I had to leave the office mid-afternoon for a meeting and then immediately go from that meeting to see a show with a friend. I would have biked downtown in the torrential rain, not been able to properly hang my coat to dry, and then put on a soggy, cold coat at the end of the night. I was dreading it.
There is also a seabus that essentially goes straight from my work to downtown. I decided that this day, it would be kind to let myself take the seabus and get downtown without becoming completely soaked.
Immediately the dread dissipated and the day became much more pleasant.
Since then, I have made a list of kind things I could do for myself:
Stretch
Tidy up
Give myself a break from having a perfectly tidy home
Drink water
Put on a sweater (or dress warm enough for the day)
Go to the bathroom
Forgive
Eat something nourishing
Eat something comforting
Turn off the TV
Talk to a friend
Take the seabus
Go to bed
Let myself sleep in
Get up on time
Go for a walk
Not ordering another drink
Write
Go to counselling
Do something proactive to find a relationship (including going on the stupid dating apps)
Stay off the dating apps
Floss
Cuddle my cat
Listen to music that makes me feel good
Do something fun
Buy the tool I want or need to do a particular job more easily
Meditate
You can see that this list is not internally consistent. Tidying up my apartment is kind because it gives me an orderly space to live in where I can feel more relaxed, but if I am completely overwhelmed then it may be kind to give myself permission to do one less thing and have a messy home for a little bit. There is no set rule about what is or isn't kind. It depends on what you need that day.
One thing I realized is that one of the easiest ways to be kind to yourself is to take care of your physical needs. I often let myself feel a little uncomfortable, for no reason: my feet are cold, but the slippers are across the room so I live with cold feet; I feel tight, but I'll just lie on the couch instead of stretching while I watch TV and stay tight.
I also realized that often, being kind to yourself takes a bit more upfront work. It feels easier to stay put on the couch instead of walking across the room (on the cold floor!) to get my slippers or to get up and do some stretches. But that little bit of extra work is a kindness.
Being kind can also mean saying no to yourself. How many times have I ordered another drink because I am in a good mood and my friends are and it's more fun to say yes than no, and then that last drink pushed me too far into drunk-town, my bill past its limit, and the following morning into sluggish-ville (at best). The kind thing is to give myself some boundaries.
Framing the extra efforts and boundaries as a kindness to myself also makes it easier to follow through on them.
Try it with me! Every morning while you are getting ready for your day, ask yourself, "what is one kind thing I could do for myself today?" Maybe you'll wear clothes that are a little more comfortable. Maybe you'll make sure to plan enough time to eat lunch. Maybe you'll avoid social media for the morning.
Maybe, if we keep doing this together, our lives will get a little lighter.
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I fully believe that stock images matter. They represent a societal default or "normal" and so need to represent true normalcy, which is a diverse human population. (That's why I try hard to make sure that all the images on this blog aren't just of a bunch of young, white people.) According to this new study, stock images used for major news and social media sites currently reinforce gender stereotypes. Come on, guys! You actually have a BUDGET for your images!
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