It's a New Year! Here's What I Did Instead of the "Decade Challenge"

Animated gif - a yellow background with the text "happy new year" and small explosions that look like fireworks
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Tomorrow's a NEW YEAR and a NEW DECADE!

If you are on Twitter, you may have seen the “Decade Challenge” floating around in November: “There’s only ONE MONTH left in the whole decade! What have you accomplished?”

It’s garnering retweets and replies listing a whole host of accomplishments: everything from book deals to graduations to babies. It’s even spawned a theoretically-lower-key-but-actually-more-stressful response calling for shares of “one thing” from your life now that 2010 you would lose their mind over. I don’t know about you, but anytime I need to think of one incredible thing I can think of zero things that are even remotely interesting.

I am going to be blunt: I do not like this challenge. And not just because it says there’s only a month left of the decade when it started circulating in mid-November, decidedly more than 30 days before the end of the year. (If we are going to pressure ourselves to greatness, could we not at least get the time frame right?)

Sure, tallying up my accomplishments from the past decade might feel good. I would probably be surprised to see how much I have actually done, remind myself that I am capable of wonderful things, and be able to express gratitude to everyone who helped me along the way. That’s the nice part of accomplishments: they make us feel good about ourselves and our place in the world and even sometimes get us some much-needed affirmation.

Accomplishments are not, however, a justification for ten years of existence, and so any activity that reinforces this kind of belief should be treated as suspect. Participating in this conversation might feel good, but it will also open up the door to the mistake of thinking my value comes from the things that I have done, as well as second-guessing whether they are even enough, and worse yet, comparing myself to others (comparison is, after all, the evil destroyer of souls).

If the prospect of tallying up your accomplishments from the past decade to prove you deserve to move forward into the next makes you feel like an elastic band connecting the back of your throat and your stomach has suddenly pulled tight, I have an offering: instead of trying to decide what counts as an “accomplishment” so you can write it down and post it on the internet, simply take a moment to paint a picture of where you were ten years ago.

What was your life like? Where did you live? Who were your friends? What were you working on? What made life hard? What made it wonderful? What did you not even realize was beginning or ending? What questions were you trying to answer? What gave you hope?

For example, ten years ago today I had just started a job that would become a meaningful career, but at that time was 20 hours a week and paid so little I was living off mashed potatoes and sneaking onto the bus. I was living in a basement suite with a ceiling so low it skimmed the top of my head and a shower drain that grew mushrooms. I made a large, fantastical tree out of cardboard and fabric to decorate the main wall in my bedroom and was pretty into the idea of feng shui. I was writing and producing my own plays and in the beginning stages of friendships that became some of the most important in my life. I still thought I wanted to be an actress (thank heaven that changed). My first relationship ever had just ended and I was about to start to learn that I could actually like myself as a person (a mind-blowing revelation). I was able to throw a big New Year’s party and have all my friends actually show up because they didn’t have to plan their whole lives around a child's bedtime.

There was a lot of struggle ten years ago, as well as a lot of beauty. I’m pretty sure that’s a constant through every stage of life, with only the circumstances changing from age to age. Mine were pretty classic for someone in their mid-twenties trying to figure out how to work in the arts.

Looking back on this picture of ten-years-younger me leads to a perspective that is much more holistic, compassionate, and hopeful than piling my accomplishments one on top of the other and hoping the pile is high enough--whatever “enough” might be at the moment.

Instead, I can appreciate who I was then and give my younger self a mental hug. I can see the mammoth changes that have happened in my life over the past ten years and be grateful for everything Past Andrea went through so that Current Andrea could have the particular struggles and beauty she lives with now. I can see the gains and losses and know that I am okay.

Most of all, I can look ahead to the next ten years with hope and wonder. So many of the changes that came over the past ten years I would have never anticipated. What mysteries await?


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Singalong! Vacation by The Go-Go's

Guyyyyyyys, I'm going on VACATION! It's been over a year since I had any kind of significant getaway so I can't wait! My family is all going down to Mexico and that means I get to play with my 18 month-old nephew on the beach and read books and it will be a dream. Bu-byyyyyye! (I've scheduled up posts for the week, so there will still be action here in my absence.)


VACATION
by The Go-Go's

Can't seem to get my mind off of you
Back here at home there's nothin' to do
Now that I'm away
I wish I'd stayed
Tomorrow's a day of mine that you won't be in
When you looked at me I should've run
But I thought it was just for fun
I see I was wrong
And I'm not so strong
I should've known all along that time would tell

A week without you
Thought I'd forget
Two weeks without you and I
Still haven't gotten over you yet

Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away
Vacation, meant to be spent alone
Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away
Vacation, meant to be spent alone

A week without you
Thought I'd forget
Two weeks without you and I
Still haven't gotten over you yet

Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away
Vacation, meant to be spent alone
Vacation, all I ever wanted
Vacation, had to get away
Vacation, meant to be spent alone

An animated gif of Mr. Bean on the beach in the waves. He loves it and then gets scared by a bigger wave.
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Learning! Roundup: Optimists Live Forever, Conspiracy to Commit Crime, Liars Lie, and More!

A young black woman with a big, laughing smile. Her hair is up and she has bare shoulders, wearing a necklace with the African continent on it.
Photo by Suad Kamardeen.

Optimists Live Forever


Okay, not forever, but optimists probably live longer. It looks like being an optimist is associated with living to age 85 or beyond. As an optimistic person, I'm not actually sure I like this! I think living past age 85 is a bit too long, I would rather go in my early 80's (which I suppose is not a very optimistic way of looking at things, so maybe I'm okay).

Conspiracy to Commit Crime


People who believe in conspiracy theories may be more likely to commit crimes. This could be because conspiracies reduce a sense of social cohesion.

Liar, Liar


Some people excel at telling lies. Turns out, men are more likely to consider themselves to be among these people, considering themselves to be better at lying and getting away with it more often. Those who like to lie, prefer to do so in person and with the people closest to them, which is... disturbing.

Not-So-Universal Emotions


There may be a word for anger in every language, but it doesn't necessarily actually mean the same thing. A new study shows that emotional concepts are not communicated in the same way across languages.

Anxious Facial Cues


People with Social Anxiety Disorder have been thought for some time to be more sensitive to negative facial cues. A new study confirms this, showing that people with social anxiety disorder who were primed to worry about being excluded became hypersensitive to changes when a person's face when from positive to negative. The problem is that this could actually lead someone to misread a situation, seeing negative expressions where they don't necessarily exist.

Ammo Control


If you don't like gun control, how about ammo control? A correlational study has shown that states that ban large-capacity magazines have fewer high-fatality mass shootings than those that allow them.


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Out of Office For the Holidays!

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Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Joyous Festivus!

I'll be taking a couple of days off. I hope you do, too.


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Cute! Roundup: A Baby Cockatoo, Some Hand Holding, the Greatest Camping Buddy, and More!

Usually this time of year I have a picture of Gertie under my Christmas tree like a little present, but this year I didn't set up my tree! My apartment has been so chaotic, thanks to my bathroom renovation, that it just didn't feel like there was any space for a tree. So instead, you get Gertie staring off into the middle distance, pondering the mysteries of life.


OTHER CUTENESS:

Two cockatoos and their screaming baby!

Hand holding!

The greatest camping buddy!

Otter dinner party!

A crabby cowboy!


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Solstice Has Passed! The Light is Returning!

Gif by Bubble.

Winter solstice has passed. THE LIGHT IS COMING BACK INTO THE WORLD, YOU GUYS!

Thank freaking goodness.

For one of my best friends and I, 2019 was a pretty volatile year. We decided to embrace the coming light and the change it can bring with a small ritual yesterday to let go of the dark and bring in the light.

Beforehand, I was actually afraid to do it. I was afraid because I started to reflect on the things I really want in the coming year and those longings are so deep it terrified me to give them a voice or a shape. After all, even if I fully recognize them and if I try to bring them in, they still might not come. And then what? I didn't know if I could handle that kind of heartbreak. But avoiding desire does not make it go away, hearts break whether or not you were ready for it, and courage is a thing. I did it.

It's still scary. It's hard to recognize and admit to our deepest longings. But hope is real and powerful, and if the light returning isn't a symbol of that, I don't know what is. Join me! Embrace the deeper longings that scare you and let's step into another year, shaky, but doing it!


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Singalong! Kiss from a Rose by Seal

When I was young and taking ballet classes, the group one level above me did a dance to this song in our year-end recital and I was SO JEALOUS. They got props and everything! (Roses, obviously.) The next year I was bumped up to join that group, but it was too late, I missed out on the fun.


KISS FROM A ROSE
by Seal

There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea
You became the light on the dark side of me
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill

But did you know that when it snows
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can't be seen?

[Chorus]
Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the gray

There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can't be seen?

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the gray

I've been kissed by a rose on the gray
I, I've been kissed by a rose on the gray
I've ... (and if I should fall along the way) ... been kissed by a rose on the gray
I, I've been kissed by a rose on the gray

There is so much a man can tell you
So much he can say
You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny, yeah
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

But did you know that when it snows
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can't be seen?

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the gray
Yes, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah
And now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the gray

Now that your rose is in bloom
A light hits the gloom on the gray

An animated GIF of Seal in the music video Kiss from a Rose. He stands in front of a giant light (the bat signal from Batman Forever) and sings.
Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Sweet Holiday Depression, Maternal Mortality Rates, Thinking of the Ancestors, and More!

Cookie dough rolled out on a white countertop, with cutouts that have "H" and "O" in it.
Photo by Bruna Branco.

Sweet Holiday Depression


If you struggle with depression, in general or during the holidays, it's possible that avoiding sugar could help make it better. Sugar can trigger metabolic, inflammatory, and neurobiological processes tied to depression. Sorry!

Maternal Mortality Rates


A new analysis of maternal mortality rates in the United States shows that reducing the number of Planned Parenthood clinics in a state by 20% leads to an 8% in maternal death and legislation that decreases access to abortion in general can increase maternal mortality by 38%. YIKES.

Think of the Ancestors


When trying to motivate people to fight climate change, future generations are often cited. A new study suggests that it might be more effective to think of past generations instead. Looking at sacrifices that were made in the past can activate a sort of intergenerational reciprocity and motivate sacrifice today.

Narcissism May Be Helpful


Narcissism is generally talked about in incredibly negative terms, but new research has separated out two different aspects of narcissism and found that one can be helpful for emotional regulation. Narcissistic admiration, believing that you are Great and deserve to be seen as such, is linked with grandiosity and charmingness whereas narcissistic rivalry, or the belief that other people are trash, is linked with aggressiveness and asserting supremacy. Those on the admiration side have improved emotional regulation.

Vicarious Anxiety


New research shows that we worry more about the people we love than we do about ourselves. When someone we love is going on a flight, for example, we are more likely to worry something bad will happen to them than we worry about ourselves on that very same flight.


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This Week in Church: Waiting and Hope

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

A picture of a small chaple with a steeple in a field, with the text This Week in Church written on the sky.

This week in church we talked about waiting.

Sometimes, we have to wait for things, and sometimes that waiting feels heavy and horrible. It's not just the everyday impatience we might feel about a slow-moving snag in traffic or a restaurant that's taking forever to bring our food. It's that deep longing that gnaws away at our hearts or sense of self, making us feel like we are somehow less than we should be.

I have been thinking a lot lately about these periods of longing and how to live through them. If you are waiting for something that you have some control over, you can certainly work on bringing it about, but there is so much in life that we may long for that we ultimately cannot make happen through sheer force of effort. In that case, all we can control is our posture during the waiting. Do we wait in hope or in fear? Do we let the longing consume us or allow it to be one small part of our existence?

This week in church we talked about acting in hope, even when you don't feel it.

Sometimes we need to move forward as if hope is there, even if we don't really feel it. We need to apply for the job, go on the awkward online date, or take a step towards reconciliation with a friend. We need to reach out, make a plan, or try something new.

One thing that I like to ask myself from time to time is, "what would a person do if they knew this would all work out?" Usually, it amounts to doing whatever work I need to do, but with the lightness of hope instead of the heavy emptiness of sorrow.


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Inspiration! Roundup: Beautiful News, The Wall, Being Wrong, and More!

A person standing in a snowy forest with the Northern Lights above, lighting the sky up with green and yellow lights.
This Week's "I want to go to there": I want to see the Northern Lights! EVEN THOUGH it means going where it's so so cold.
Photo by Kwan Fung.

Beautiful News


The website Beautiful News Daily takes uplifting news and illustrates it through beautiful infographics. It's a real treat.

The Wall


To mark 30 years since the Berlin Wall came down, artist Patrick Shearn was contracted to make an installation piece - he used 20,000 ribbons to create this beautiful canopy where the wall used to stand.


Being Wrong


“The cost of being wrong is less than the cost of doing nothing.”
— Seth Godin

For the Best


I could post one of Asja Boros' pieces every single day and that would be enough inspiration to get me through. I LOVE her work! This is the first one I encountered and it captured my heart:


Too Much Woman


“There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.

There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.

There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything—too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous.

She is dangerous.

And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.

Oh, that “too much” woman. . . too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy—too much.

She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches. Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.

Here I am. . . a Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.
A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.

I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want, and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because I know how to heal myself.

And still. . . I rise.”

— Ev’Yan Whitney, from The Sexually Liberated Woman


Oooooooh boy. Did that get you in the gut? It got me in the gut.

Kinetic Characters


Get a nice giggle out of Lucas Zanotto's adorable kinetic character animations:



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The Secret Hope of Letting Our Miseries Be Miserable

A woman sitting at a bus stop. It's dark all around here, there is a pool of light over her and she is bent over with her head in her hands. Her hair covers her entire face.
Photo by Edwin Andrade.


I recently had a dear friend over. We drank Baileys, which I always crave around Christmas, and caught up on the joys and miseries of our lives. (We are both fairly dramatic people, so things are generally amazing or horrific, or often, both.)

When it was over, I realized that one thing she and I are particularly good at is letting each others' miseries be miserable without needing to transform them into something happier.

Maybe it's because we originally bonded in our early twenties over our shared depression (thank goodness we also both had the motivation to work through that), but we are both entirely comfortable with hearing the other one share some terrible circumstance and have no need to make it better. Instead, we just agree with how much it suuuuuuucks.

For example, we chatted for a bit about how we are approaching 40. (Her ahead of me, ha ha!) We talked about how, when we were in our twenties we thought 30 was going to be this big, scary thing, and then it turned out to be great, so the same thing would probably happen with 40, except we would be more tired more often.

Then I realized that, in terms of my relationship/love/family life, a realistic best-case scenario for my 40th birthday is that I'm bouncing a 1-year-old baby. Or, equally realistically, still single. I was instantly exhausted by both possibilities.

Her response?

"Yeah, that sounds terrible."

That sentence was like a hug.

She didn't try to reframe it. She didn't try to convince me that it would somehow be less tiring to have a baby at 40 or that singleness is a constantly beautiful state of freedom and bliss (which seems to be the response married folk are mandated to give their single friends whenever they dare complain about being on their own). She just agreed with me.

What a gift to have a friend who can let the hard things just be hard.

Letting hard things be hard isn't just about negativity. There is actually a lovely hope buried underneath. If you can let life's crappy situations be what they are without a desperate need to reframe or diminish them, it means that somewhere inside you know that you aren't so fragile that they will break you. That you have security in the beauty and strength that exists elsewhere in life and don't need to frantically point to it to distract yourself from whatever hurtful, ugly thing is right in front of you.

Since this is the season of both hard and beautiful things, it's worth remembering this: recognizing the terribleness of terrible things doesn't diminish the wonder of wonderful things. Of course, it's healthy and hopeful and healing to focus as much attention as possible on the good in our lives: to remember that we are loved, that we are good, that we are worthy. But you don't have to pretend the hard things aren't there.

Let the hard things be hard. Let the beautiful things be beautiful. Live your hard and beautiful life.


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Cute! Roundup: A Baby Meets a Puppy, Some Sweet Dance Moves, Nap Spots, and More!

This pic is of Gertie "helping" me on a work from home day. She cuddles right up to the computer to make sure that it's all working correctly, it's very nice of her.


OTHER CUTENESS

Baby meets a puppy for the first time!

Sweet dance moves!

A kitty discovers the best napping spot!

Ring bell for service!

Children's drawings photoshopped into reality! (Honestly, cute and a bit creepy.)


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Singalong! Sugar, Sugar by The Archies

When I was in high school, I listened to a lot of oldies radio, and I decided somehow that this song was going to be the BIG SIGN in my life that I had met the boy who I would marry. Yes, that's right, I was just that ridiculous of a teenager. Needless to say, I have heard this song many times since I was 16 and have not yet married any of the boys who were nearby when it came on. Although I suppose maybe there's time!

Also, I am sorry and also not sorry for this ridiculous Archie comic introduction to the music video. I couldn't resist.


SUGAR, SUGAR
by The Archies

Sugar, ah honey honey
You are my candy girl
And you got me wanting you
Honey, ah sugar sugar
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you

I just can't believe the loveliness of loving you
(I just can't believe it's true)
I just can't believe the one to love this feeling to
(I just can't believe it's true)

Ah sugar, ah honey honey
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you
Ah honey, ah sugar sugar
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you

When I kissed you, girl, I knew how sweet a kiss could be
(I know how sweet a kiss can be)
Like the summer sunshine pour your sweetness over me
(Pour your sweetness over me)

Oh sugar, pour a little sugar on it honey
Pour a little sugar on it baby
I'm gonna make your life so sweet, yeah yeah yeah
Pour a little sugar on it oh yeah
Pour a little sugar on it honey
Pour a little sugar on it baby
I'm gonna make your life so sweet, yeah yeah yeah

Pour a little sugar on it honey
Ah sugar, ah honey honey
You are my candy girl
And you've got me wanting you
Oh honey, honey, sugar sugar
(Honey, honey, sugar sugar)
You are my candy girl

An animated GIF from the Archie Comics cartoon. Veronica (rich, white, beautiful teenager) and Archie (poor, white, attractive teenager) are dancing in his bedroom
Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Rewriting Heartbreak, Judging Speech, World Records, and More

A white vase with a dozen roses in it - the roses are dried and wilted.
Photo by Annie Spratt.

Rewriting Heartbreak


We may not be at an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-level of ability to rewrite our brain's experiences, but a new therapy has been discovered that can alter your brain's recollection of heartbreak. By recalling the memory while on beta-blocking medication, it re-encodes is with dampened emotions. Question is: would you write the sadness out of your heartbreak?

Judging Speech


I may wish we lived in a class-less society, but it's just not the case, even in North America where there are no explicit class levels beyond broader upper/middle/lower. We (or at least Americans) are also quick and accurate in our judgements of other people's social class, by listening to them say as few as seven words.

Judging Fashion


But what if you can't hear someone talk? How will you judge them then? By their clothes, of course! In a new study, men dressed in "wealthier"-looking clothes were judged as more competent. Because of course, if you're rich you must be good at something, right?

A New Record


The earth's levels of carbon dioxide have reached a 3 million-year high. Woo?

Drummers' Brains


Playing the drums changes your brain structure! The connections between brain hemispheres are fewer, but thicker, and the part of the brain that handles motor activity is organized more efficiently.

Safe Sex


Your attachment style may be related to your likelihood of using condoms during sex! Avoidant attachment folks are more likely to use condoms, whereas those with anxious attachment are likely to go without, even when risk of STI is present. No word on what the securely attached folks do - probably the perfectly right thing for the situation.


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This Week in Church: Peace

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

A picture of a small chaple with a steeple in a field, with the text This Week in Church written on the sky.

This week in church we talked about peace.

We talked about peace as the presence of something good, not just the absence of conflict or strife. Peace as a sense of wholeness, bringing everything together in its rightful place, and justice. As good relations - not only between us and other people but between us and the planet. Us and ourselves.

Imagine a peaceful relationship between yourself and your inner critic. This was almost a throwaway line in the sermon, but it really struck me. First of all, because it implies that the inner critic is still there, I just have peace with it, which is, I think, more interesting and realistically than trying to banish it or shut it up.

What relationships do you have that could use some peaceful presence? Increased wholeness and right-relatedness? As much as I try to embrace body positivity, I do not have a peaceful relationship with my body. I also do not have a peaceful relationship with dating or my work or certainly my inner critic. Not because any of these things are entirely bad, but that they are not peaceful relationships.

How about you? Where do you need peace?


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Inspiration! Roundup: Become As Good As Your Ambitions, Thread Painting, Imagining Fun, and More!

This Week's "I want to go to there": Give me a cozy corner full of books, and I will give you a relaxing holiday!
Photo by Clay Banks.

As Good As Your Ambitions


“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know it’s normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”
–Ira Glass

Thread Painter


Russian artist Vera Shimunia makes miniature paintings out of embroidery. Also, some get animated. I am hypnotized.


If it Were Fun


Love this Lifehacker tip: when you have to do a boring or mundane task, ask yourself what it would look like if it were fun. Answers can range from listening to a podcast while you sweep the floor to making a random errand into a catch-up date with a friend but will almost always help you enjoy things a little more.

Don't Be Used


Sometimes, I need this reminder. Maybe you do, too. I haven't been able to track down the original source of the image, so if you know it, let me know!


Better Tomorrow


This art show called It Was Better Tomorrow caught my eye. Not really for the art, to be honest (not that there's anything wrong with it, it just doesn't appeal to my aesthetic), but the title.

Mundane Costumes


Have you heard of this? Jimi Halloween, a subculture in Japan where people get together for Halloween parties and wear super mundane costumes. So mundane, they need to wear name tags that describe their costumes. Things like "guy who grabbed a cart but didn't buy much", "woman who forgot to take out the trash", and "photo assistant whose job is to make a child laugh."

I truly want to throw a Jimi Halloween party.


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Expectations, Hope, and Vulnerability Setting You Free

A fortune cookie, cracked open, with the words, "the plan you have been working on will come to fruition" on the fortune inside. Photographed against a light blue background.
Photo by Elena Koycheva.

Expectation vs. hope.

For one, you think something is going to happen. You may have planned around it and set yourself up for the inevitability of what is coming your way.

For the other, you might not even think it's likely. You may have written off all the possibilities in your head. But your heart - that dang persistent heart - envisions a future with that reality in place, and it would very much like to reel that future in.

The difference between the two has become a lot more salient to me lately, in my professional and personal life.

Since personal confessions tend to be more interesting than professional ones, that's the path I'll go down with you today.

I was recently dating someone. It was in that awkward in-between stage of kind-of-casual, because we weren't seeing each other super often and hadn't expressed any commitment, and maybe-this-is-a-"real"-relationship. Then, can you guess? He ended things.

The reasons were good. They were the very same reasons that had kept me holding back from fully investing in the first place. I couldn't argue with them, and I honestly wasn't even sure that I wanted to.

But that was all in my head. In my heart, there had been a growing attachment and hope that we could become a "real thing." My heart had started to see the possibilities of what could be if the circumstances were aligned for us instead of against us, and it didn't want to let go quite so easily.

In the week that followed, that disconnect began to weigh heavy on me. Because not only had my heart run up in front of my head (as it is wont to do, according to my counsellor), but I had not been honest with him at any stage about those feelings. I was holding some secret, lopsided sense of attachment and my heart didn't know what to do with it.

I knew that if I shared the truth about my feelings with him, nothing would come of it. He wasn't going to turn around and say, "well then we should be together!", and even if he did, I wasn't actually sure what my response to that would be. (Again, circumstances were not in our favour.)

Given this reality, I debated whether I should even bother saying anything. But in the end, the truth was swimming around in my gut, getting heavier and heavier, and it needed to be let out. I went forth and released my wriggling truth: I told him how I felt with zero expectations.

Zero expectations, but, if I'm honest, a heart that clung to a little itty-bit of hope. Because how could it not?

Of course, the result matched my expectations. Nothing changed.

Nothing, except that my heart was a little more clear now because I had shared the truth. And now the hope, unfettered by the weight of being an unwelcome secret, could fade away all on its own.

It was an excellent reminder of three things:

That vulnerability is a key element in keeping your heart from folding in on itself like a self-protecting armadillo.

That hope and expectation really are different things and it's okay if they are in opposition to one another. In fact, if you are me, it might happen a lot.

That offering a truth without expectation, even if there is hope, is fully scary and also fully liberating. (And that the lack of expectation will usually mean that your truth won't become a burden for the other person.)


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Cute! Roundup: Maze-Hacking, New Hobbies, Unsustainable Pillows, and More!

About a month ago, I bought a new bathroom vanity to go in the bathroom that (I thought) would be renovated right around that time. The bathroom renovation continues, and Gertie has since claimed the vanity as a bed. So I guess I need to go get a new one and this one will live in the living room forever?

A black and white cat sleeping on top of a grey sweater

OTHER CUTENESS:

This hamster has its own way of solving a maze, and it is much smarter.

This cat is trying out a new hobby.

This tiny pup has picked a very adorable, but unsustainable, pillow.

This cat blesses you.

Need a hug?


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Singalong! Fallin' by Alicia Keys

When I was taking singing lessons in high school, my instructor told me that one of her other students had insisted on learning Fallin'. I was, to be frank, flabberghasted. Her other student was either a good enough singer to want to do this song OR she was completely unaware of her skills. Either way, I did not identify. I always knew my place as a singer of the simpler tunes. (In front of other people, that is. On my own, it's singalong time!)


FALLIN'
by Alicia Keys

I keep on fallin' in and outta love with you
Sometimes I love ya, sometimes you make me blue
Sometimes I feel good, at times I feel used
Lovin' you, darlin', makes me so confused

I keep on fallin' in and out
Of love with you
I never loved someone
The way that I love you

Oh, oh, I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain? (Yeah, yeah)
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool
I start fallin' back in love with you

I keep on fallin' in and out
Of love with you
I never loved someone (Someone)
The way that I love you (Way I)

Oh, baby
I, I, I, I'm fallin' (Yeah, yeah)
I, I, I, I'm fallin'
Fall, fall, fall (Sing)
Fall

I keep on fallin' in and out (Out)
Of love with you (Love with you)
I never loved someone (Loved)
The way that I love you (I)
I'm fallin' in and out (Yeah)
Of love with you (Of love with you)
I never loved someone (No, no, no)
The way that I love you
I'm fallin' in and out (Yeah)
Of love with you (Of love with you)
I never loved someone (No, no, no)
The way that I love you
What?

An animated gif of Alicia Keys sitting on a coffee table covered in books making a "what?" gesture
Giphy


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