Is it harder or easier to be kind?

Is it harder or easier to be kind?
Photo by Robert Baker.

A friend of mine is a counsellor who has a lovely instagram account where she posts regular tips and encouragement for mental health (it's @gottasecond, and you should check it out!)

A little while ago, she posted about kindness. She said, "it's actually very easy to be kind." (Sorry, I didn't save the post and I can't find it now, so no direct link.)

I wrote that down because I wanted to ponder it more.

On one hand, it can feel very hard to be kind. The negative points can feel so much more salient. So present. So real. So easy to focus on. It feels harder to pull your mind away from them and pay attention to the positive elements. To switch from condemnation to compassion.

Kindness can feel like so much labour. Selfishness often seems easier because, well, it's selfish.

But she is right, that it is also easy. Whether it's kindness to yourself or others, the hardest part is shifting your brain away from the terrible things. Once you start looking at the good and change your perspective to one of kindness, it's all there. Easy pickings.

One way to start to make the switch is to ask yourself, "What would an incredibly kind person say about this situation?"


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Inspiration! Roundup: Our Bodies Are the Coolest, Cookie Monster, and More!

This Week's "I want to go to there": blanket hugs.
Photo by Matthew Henry.

It's (An)atomic!

I love papercut art, and Andy Singleton's work is really fun. Here is a detail shot from his show Anatomic, featuring our circulatory system as art. (I am trying to think of a good variation on the "my kid could do that" joke, but in this case the joke is that your kid has the real circulatory system - and so do you! And I!)


Becoming

When was the last time you watched a single cell turn into a complete organism? It's a beautiful reminder of how much can come from so little, or perhaps about the power of a tiny thing, given the right circumstances. It's just beautiful.


Also, it's pretty wild to think that this very process is happening INSIDE people right now! (Except hopefully not turning into tadpoles.)

Ask Cookie Monster Anything

Cookie Monster did an AMA! An AMA is an Ask Me Anything, usually done on Reddit (although I think it's crossed to other platforms now) where experts, celebrities, and the like answer any question we throw at them.

Cookie Monster's AMA is sweet and whimsical, and I love it.

It's Life Size

In other body-related art, Shanelle Papp created a life-sized skeleton complete with removable organs.


Musician Mental Health

I love this! A Toronto-based music label has announced that all musicians on its roster will have access to $1,500 to deal with mental health issues or concerns. More arts organizations need to find a way to do this.


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The Uncomfortable Reality of the Unsent Email

Photo by Adeolu Eletu.

Have you ever written and rewritten an email, finally realizing that there is no way to say what you want to say without sounding like a petty jerk?

Oh yeah, me neither, because I am never, ever petty or rude or selfish or inappropriate. Ever.

Ha! Just kidding... This is an experience I know well enough that when I read this piece at The Cut about writing "practice emails", it rang so, so true.

In writer Edith Zimmerman's case, the revelation came when she tried to describe the email exchange that wronged her to a friend in another email, and realized that perhaps she was the wrongdoer, not the receiver of wrong.

For me, it happens more often as I try to craft my argument. I go back, thinking, "Oh no no, this is not quite right, they won't see the problem," until, after two or three attempts, I realize that the problem is not that I can't craft the perfect email. It's that the facts are not on my side. That I am, indeed, a petty jerk. At least at this particular, hypothetical moment.

What a gift written communication has given us that we can go through the motions of making an argument before we actually make it to another human person.


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Feeling Better: Post-Launch Party Thoughts and Feelings

I was so full of emotions at my book launch party
Photo by Kimberley Dawn.

Last week was a pretty significant time in my life. I had the BOOK LAUNCH PARTY for Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself! SAY WHA?????

The day was full of so many feelings, it's hard to wrap it up with one coherent thought, so here is a collection of thoughts instead:

Leading up to the party, I was feeling so keyed-up with energy and nerves that it was a pretty unpleasant sensation. I actually didn't know how to answer people when they would ask me how excited I was, because it wasn't what I normally feel in terms of excitement. It was the most nervous I have ever felt before an event. I really have no chill when it comes to this book.

Lucky me, I wound up meeting up with one friend early and she led me in a little body relaxation exercise that helped a lot!

Once I got there and people started showing up, it all washed into pure excitement! It was HAPPENING!

Confession: I have never been to a book launch party, so I don't know how they "normally" go. I really meant to go to a bunch in the fall while I was planning this one so that I would have a better idea of what it "should" be, but was never able to make it. I get the impression that I may have overdone it with other performances, but that's okay!

TMI confession: lately I have been transitioning back to all-natural deodorant. However, as I was preparing to leave the house I realized that, what with all the nerves I was experiencing, my sweat was going to be stinkier than usual. I used some conventional lemon-scented stuff to make sure I didn't stink out the place.

I wasn't sure about doing a book signing at first - it felt too fancy! But everyone was asking for it, and so I said FINE! It turned out to be a WONDERFUL idea, if for no other reason than that I got to interact with people on an individual level! It was so lovely to have a few moments to hug and chat with the people who came.

Somehow, I managed to not actually cry even once. I almost cried a couple of times while I was thanking people, because I accidentally looked at them in the crowd and THAT was way too real. This is a big deal, I cry a lot.

Ultimately, I left feeling (and still feel) so overwhelmingly grateful! I am not going to start trying to list people here, because it's everyone! Everyone who gave their time and energy to helping this book exist in the world, everyone who bought it and read it, everyone who gave me a virtual high five on facebook, everyone who showed up with their body at the launch, EVERYONE!

Ugh! SO GRATEFUL!

I will leave you on this pic of me having a thought (or is it a feeling?):



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Cute! Roundup: Tuckered Pups, High Fives, Unconventional Cuddles, and More!

Isn't my friend's dog the cutest??? We were playing DnD and she just had to join us!

A roundup of very cute animal and baby pics from the internet.


OTHER CUTENESS:

Alllllll tuckered out.

This dog gives the highest of fives.

Listen, you do you.

The littlest of fists to bump.

Birdie's got some emotional range.


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Singalong! Me and My Husband by Mitski

Do you know MITSKI? She is SO GREAT! You should definitely be checking her out. This is one of my favourite songs of hers.


ME AND MY HUSBAND
by Mitski

I steal a few breaths from the world for a minute
And then I'll be nothing forever
And all of my memories
And all of the things I have seen will be gone
With my eyes, with my body, with me

But me and my husband
We are doing better
It's always been just him and me
Together
So I bet all I have on that
Furrowed brow
And at least in this lifetime
We're sticking together
Me and my husband
We're sticking together

And I'm the idiot with the painted face
In the corner, taking up space
But when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved

Me and my husband
We are doing better
It's always been just him and me
Together
So I bet all I have on that
Furrowed brow
And at least in this lifetime
We're sticking together
Me and my husband
We're sticking together
Me and my husband
We are doing better

Mitski the singer gif



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Learning! Roundup: We Want to Protect Nature When It's a Woman, Nightmare Pills, and More!

A roundup of research from the past week, including the fact that we are more likely to want to protect the environment if it's been anthropomorphized as a woman. Call it mother nature!
Photo by Chris Gill.

Protect Mother Nature

Anthropomorphizing the earth as a woman makes people feel more protective towards her and spurs them to more environmental attitudes. On one hand, I like that there is a nice way to get people on side with protecting the earth, on the other hand, it's clearly rooted in the ol' patriarchy that tells us women need protections. Sigh. I guess just this once, the patriarchy might save the human race.

Welcome to Nightmareland, With a Pill Full of Needles

This one falls into the category of things that are terrifying, but that allegedly should not be: scientists have developed a pill full of tiny needles that can replace injections. Painlessly, apparently.

Sharia Law

The video series The Secret Lives of Muslims is awesome, and here is a great one explaining what Sharia Law really is, which is apparently a standard of living that has to do with how you, as an individual, interpret the law, treat others, and generally live. Very educational.

Gender Discrimination Hurts Men, Too!

A new study confirms that dividing work into blue jobs and pink jobs is bad for everyone. In a replication of the studies where they submit resumes to a job posting where the only difference is the sex of the applicant (usually communicated by the name), it was shown that men got fewer calls for traditionally female jobs (housecleaning or HR roles). This is the issue, folks! The patriarchy hurts us all!

Universal Income

A new trial on giving out a universal income (where the government just hands out money to everyone) shows that it doesn't reduce employment. In Finland, they tried out giving 2000 people on unemployment a basic income instead (the difference being that unemployment wages reduce or go away when you earn income from other sources) and found that those people worked the same amount as those who stayed on unemployment, and had less health issues.


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This Week in Church: Believing and Collectives

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

I think that church can teach things that are beneficial to everyone, whether or not we believe in church-related things.

This week in church we talked about believing.

We talked about the concept of belief not being a concrete knowing, but more of an active thing where you move towards a certain thing. How belief does not need to be the absence of doubt, and it's more like believing into something than just believing in something.

This week in church we talked about the collective "I."

There are some situations where we are not just an individual, but part of a collective, and then we get to draw strength from the collective when we need it. For example, when we say "I believe" in the Apostle's Creed, we are stepping into a long line of people in a tradition who have said these words - a collective "I."

It's like the dynamic between couples or good families: sometimes one person might be struggling, sick, or not firm in their convictions, and the others can pick it up for them.

These two concepts combined give you the ability to say, "I don't really know what I believe right now, but I want to move in that direction, can you help carry me with your belief?"

That's kind of neat.

This week in church we talked about limiting beliefs.

What beliefs do we have that are limiting us? Can we see what it's like to trade them in for other, broader beliefs that give us more freedom?


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Pretend You've Already Won

A great way to keep your cool under pressure is to pretend you've already won
Photo by Wesley Eland.

Do you find yourself choking under pressure a lot? Or even a little?

I generally find that when the pressure is on, I am able to stay focused on what matters, but I still love this mental trick to keep cool when it matters most: pretend that you've already won and that you are fighting to keep the prize.

In a recent study, people who did this not only performed better on a test, but their brains were less likely to go into a stress-out zone that impedes performance.

This is very similar to the "pretend you're good at it" or "pretend you are happy to be here" trick that can help people do things they never thought they were able to do, including become happy to be somewhere.

Things like this always make me wonder how many abilities are locked up inside me, just waiting for me to believe in myself. Like little Tinkerbells that die when someone says they don't believe in fairies.


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Inspiration! Roundup: The Nanny is a Modern Artist, Being You, Being Tender, and More!

A roundup of inspirational things like photography by Rob Woodcox, life lessons learned too late, being tender, and The Nanny's modern art
This Week's "I want to go to there": It's supposed to snow again this week and the only time I can enjoy that experience is if I'm in a cabin in the woods where I have no other responsibilities. Let's go!
Photo by Roberto Nickson.

The Nanny's a Modern Artist

Some brilliant soul noticed that The Nanny's bold outfits are clear odes to modern art pieces, and created an Instagram account to demonstrate it. I love it! I love having an idea and making a random thing to go with it, and I love the connection being made in the first place.


Being You

what about this theory. the fear of not being enough. and the fear of being 'too much.' are exactly the same fear. the fear of being you.
-@nayyirahwaheed

Tender

This is a piece by Jenny Holzer at the Tate Modern posted by baileye.


Lessons

A collection of lessons people learn too late in life:

1. Everything is temporary.
2. Life is not fair.
3. Others treat you the way you treat yourself.
4. Happiness is a choice and requires hard work.
5. Beneath anger is always fear.
6. Family are the people who truly love you.
7. Things don’t matter that much.
8. A lifetime is not very long.
9. You played it too safe. You should take more risks.
-Guardian of Light

Which one is hitting you in the gut right this instance? For me, it's number 7.

Bodies in Space

Rob Woodcox makes beautiful photography composites of nearly-naked bodies doing unlikely things in space. I like it.



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Recommended Read: Finding Out Someone Dated You On a Dare

Everyone should read this article, I Found Out a Guy Was Dating Me On a Dare.

Spoiler alert: this is not a rom com where they wind up in love.

Giphy

Finding out that a guy was dating you, not because he liked you, or even thought he might like you if he got to know you, but because of a dare from his friends to "pull a pig", or have sex with a fat girl, is pretty much the worst thing.

Or is it worse to publicly share your experience and then have a bunch of men come at you on Twitter to tell you that it's your fault because you are fat and disgusting and you should "fix yourself"?

"Dating as a plus-size woman, you see, is an exercise rooted more in patience and frustration than in romance. When you are not being ignored by prospective interests, you are either subjected to humiliation and abuse or you are fetishised for your weight. Either way, the abject failure to consider the feelings of the plus-size women in these situations is just another example of the ways in which we are not afforded the luxury of being treated as human beings...

I like to think that I’m confident enough and maybe numb enough to the whole experience and haven’t let it define me as a woman, but for those of us who are still on our journeys to finding self love and increasing our confidence, going through an experience where you are basically seen as an experiment can be battering."

It's things like this that leave me dumbfounded at humanity. We can be so kind, so generous, so caring, and then turn around and be so unbelievably cruel.

How can a guy go through TWO WHOLE DATES with someone, where they talked about all the first- and second-date things, sharing a light version of their life histories, families, where they are from, what they want out of life, favourite type of cheese... how can you listen to all these things from a someone and not see that they are an actual, human person?

I know, I know, it's from the evil magic called dehumanizing that we all seem to be capable of given the right circumstances. People have done it with whatever group they want to hate - or more likely, profit off of in one way or another.

I just really hate it.

We're going into a dark place here, folks, and the only light I can see at the end of this eternal tunnel is to remember that as horrible as people can be, we can also be so, so wonderful, and then just hope (HOPE) that it all balances out in the end.


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Feeling Insecure About Feeling Better

Even the writer's of self-help books need some self help once in a while.
Photo by Sabrina Miso.

This week is the launch party for my book, Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself.

Whenever people ask me how I feel about it, I don't quite know what to say. Generally, it oscillates between being completely surreal and more of a project/to-do list than a thing I get to just reflect on and be excited about (although those moments do happen - like when I got to unbox my first copy of the book).

Here is one thing I have had trouble articulating so far: how counterintuitively insecure publishing a book about learning to like yourself can make you feel. If there was ever a time I needed to read a book like Feeling Better, it's while publishing the book Feeling Better.

At times, feeling like this has made me wonder if I am a fraud. If I shouldn't have even published the book. If I should send everyone their money back and say, "sorry, folks! This was a big, dumb, experiment and it turns out that I am insecure, too, so you shouldn't read my advice!"

Of course, I don't think that's actually true. The "better" in the title Feeling Better is not meant to mean that I am all better. It's not saying, "things are better now, it's done! Mental health and perfect self-love achieved!" It's more of an incremental "better: it's improvement, or being better than I was before. It's a journey of continually feeling better.

Plus, expecting a person who wrote a self-help book to never, ever struggle with their self-image seems a little unrealistic.

So instead, I am sharing with you this truth: even the writer of the book Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself needs some help feeling better about herself once in a while.

We're all in this together, my friends.


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Singalong! Roundup: The Impression That I Get by The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones

Remember SKA? Oh yeah, baby!

Also - wow, this song is basically just a bunch of dudes being like, "hey, nothing hard has ever happened in our lives, things have been very easy." Not the usual tac people take in their songwriting, but I appreciate the honesty.


THE IMPRESSION THAT I GET
by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Have you ever been close to tragedy
Or been close to folks who have?
Have you ever felt the pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse?

No, well
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII've

Never had to (Knock on wood)
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Have you ever felt the odds stacked up so high
You need a strength most don't possess?
Or has it ever come down to do-or-die?
You've got to rise above the rest

No, well
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII've

Never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested
I'd like to think that if I was I would pass
Look at the tested, and think "there but for the grace go I"
Might be a coward, I'm afraid of what I might find out

Never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Never had to, but I'd better knock on wood
Cause I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to - I'd better knock on wood
Cause I'm sure it isn't good
And I'm glad I haven't yet
That's the impression that I get

Giphy


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Learning! Roundup: Jump Off a Cliff to Make More Friends, Abortion Impacts, Self-Aware Robots, and More!

Photo by Sergio Souza.

All Your Friends Are Jumping Off a Cliff

A new study shows that teen boys are more likely to take risks if their peers are doing so (this is already known) and that the ones who conform to their pals' risk-taking have more friends. I mean, we've all had to wait on the other side of the street for the friend who wouldn't run across with the rest of us, and it is a dull time, so it makes sense.

Unexpected Impact of Abortion

A new study looks at the impacts of abortion availability on children's lives. It looked at households where a woman sought and was denied an abortion and the impact on the lives of the children she already had as well as that child, in comparison to households where a woman got to have her abortion. It found that the children of women who are denied abortion are more likely to live in poverty and have difficulty bonding with their child, and that women who received abortions were likely to have a planned pregnancy within the next five years, when they were ready.

The Robopocalypse Approacheth

A self-learning robot has now been able to figure out what it looks like. It started like an infant, not knowing what it could do or what limbs it had, moving around at random. Then it figured out its own structure, through this flailing.

Get Physical

Aerobic exercise is good for our brains! It improves our reasoning, problem-solving, and prevents decline in adults, young and old.

Gut Bacteria and Depression

The gut biome is such a cool thing, and it seems to impact our whole entire bodies and our brains. Now they have found that depressed people seem to be missing a particular gut bacteria. It's a correlation, of course, but another cool one in the gut-brain superhighway.


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Buy the Cheap Thing First

Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse.

I love this advice! It goes against traditional notions of saving money and stuff, but makes complete sense: if you are trying something for the first time and need to buy equipment or gear, buy the cheap stuff first.

Usually, smart, sustainable thinking goes in the opposite direction: quality is (generally) more expensive up front, but cheaper in the long run. Buying cheap crap wears out faster, contributes to landfills and corporate greed, and costs you way more as you replace your sixth pair of $20 leggings when a $90 pair would still be with you. The ideal is often to buy the best quality item you can possibly afford.

When it comes to something you are trying out, however, be it a sport, cooking technique, or techno-hobby, you don't even know if you like it yet, let alone what particular type of gear will be best for you. Plus, as a newb you are more likely to accidentally destroy your stuff because you don't know what you're doing. How heartbreaking to destroy a $300 tricked-out hiking backpack when you could have destroyed a $20 pack - or to have it sit in your closet after one disastrous backpacking trip where you decided you hate the sport?

Eventually, you'll know if you actually like this hobby and will stick with it, as well as what features you might actually need in your fancy, expensive gear (or you'll learn that, in this particular case, the cheap stuff is just fine, bonus!). Plus, you've had a bit more time to save up for the good stuff.


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This Week in Church: Tradition, First and Lasts, Getting Old

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

I think that church can teach things that are beneficial to everyone, whether or not we believe in church-related things.

This week in church, we talked about tradition.

"Tradition is not to preserve the ashes, but to pass on the flame."
-Gustav Mahler

Stepping into a tradition can be like stepping into a stream - there is a whole history there to carry you forward. Where did that stream come from, and where is it going?

It's worth noting that when we step into the stream of a tradition, we are now a part of the whole history of that tradition: the good and the bad.

For example, the history of the Christian church in Canada includes some wonderful things, as well as racism, residential schools, and sexual assault. If you step into that stream, you now have to own all of that history, which includes repenting for and taking responsibility for things you may not have done.

This week in church, we talked about firsts and lasts.

You're never the first and you're never the last. When we go through hard things (or great things, really), we are never the first person to have that pain, that difficulty, or that suffering. We also won't be the last. This could be rather depressing, but think of it this way: you are not alone. You come from a long line of people who have grappled with these very same questions. This is a tradition that can carry you forward.

This week in church, we talked about getting old.

The things we do over and over again get written into our bodies. When we get old, those habits (traditions) will return to us. That's why people who have very little memory left can still knit for days or sing the hymns they sang every Sunday for their whole lives.

When we are ageing, what do we want to be the pathways/traditions/prayers that are written in our bodies?


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Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself LAUNCH UPDATE

The launch party for Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself just got a whole lot more fun!


Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself Launch
Thursday, Feb.21 at 7pm
Massy Books (229 E Georgia Street)

The evening will include a reading, Q&A, and signing, annnnnd...

A PERFORMANCE by musical improv duo Jennifer Pielak and Peter Abando! Jen and Peter will take a cue from us to create some hilarious and vulnerable songs about us and the voices in our heads.

Jen & Peter will perform at the launch of Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself

Jen & Peter are extremely good pals and musical improvisers. They have been developing shows, teaching classes, performing together, and experimenting with this unusual art form for 8 years. They created the musical improv group Off Key Improv. They wrote Connected: The Musical (alongside Alison Chisholm) which got nominated for an Ovation Award. They have trained and performed together in Chicago and New York.

PLUS:

ARTWORK by Manuela Camisasca. The incredibly talented designer of the book cover will have some of her artwork on display!

Artwork to be displayed at launch party for book Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself

Manuela is a graphic designer and illustrator who loves empowering women through her art. As a designer, she believes that a great project can help to save the world. Putting together beauty, meaning, reason and functionality, visual art can bring empowerment and dialogue.

And the whole thing will be HOSTED BY... Alison Chisholm! Alison is a talented performer and arts manager to everyone else, and I think of her as my everything. Here we are together at the opening of a play!

My everything.



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Inspiration! Roundup: A Depth Year, G.D. Anderson, WhatsApp Novels, and More!

A roundup of inspirational things, including taking a depth year, James Gulliver Hancock's art, a novel written on WhatsApp, and more!
This Week's "I want to go to there": SUMMER! SUN! WARMTH! Anywhere without snow, really.
Photo by Arthur Poulin.

A Depth Year

Here is a VERY fascinating concept: what if we spent an entire year going deep, instead of going wide? Where we didn't acquire new hobbies or pursuits and instead focused on the ones already in our lives? Picked up old projects left to wither on the vine or actually practiced the piano every day?

I am intrigued. I am also afraid to commit to a whole year of this, for some reason.

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

James Gulliver Hancock is an illustrator and his work is super fun! I love how, in this one, the person doesn't seem weighed down by the world in their backpack.


Strength

"Feminism isn't about making women strong. Women are already strong. It's about changing the way the world perceives that strength." — G.D. Anderson

I remember, in university, trying to explain to a (male) friend of mine that feminism wasn't about women trying to compete with men, but at the time I didn't have the words for it all. If only I'd read G.D. Anderson.

WhatsApp Writer

Behrouz Boochani is an Iranian-Kurdish writer living in a detention centre in Papua New Guinea (where he ended up after seeking asylum). He wrote a book by sending it via WhatsApp text to a translator who then had it all stitched together into a book. He has now won a literary award for the book.

In-freaking-credible. Whatever is most important to you, you can do it.

Closeness Lines

Olivia de Recat's illustration of the closeness of relationships over time is pretty evocative.





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