A letter to my toothbrush

Dear Toothbrush,

Please stop being a dirty slut-face.  These words may sound harsh, but you totally know what I'm talking about.  Every time I walk into the bathroom you are making out with the other toothbrush, and you don't even have the decency to stop when I walk in.  I mean, COME ON!  Whenever I'm making out with someone (which is all the time, by the by, I totally get a LOT of action just please don't ask me who from because I don't like telling too many lies at once) and someone else walks in on us, I totally stop.  Or at the very least I acknowledge their presence with a wave of my free hand (or foot, or whatever is free at the moment).  You don't even acknowledge my presence!  You just sit there, making out with the other toothbrush and this makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I know you probably can't even imagine what it feels like.  I mean, when have you ever walked in on two people making out?  Probably never.  Or at least it has been a very long time and you've forgotten what it's like.  So let me tell you.  It feels awkward, like my face is being rubbed with cheese.  I mean, I thought I was going to the bathroom to brush my teeth and suddenly I find myself having to witness a never-ending make out session that doesn't even acknowledge my presence!  I mean, come on, if you're going to do it right in front of me you could at least, I don't know, offer for me to join.  I'm not actually going to join you, it's just a polite thing to do, toothbrush.

To make matters worse, when I use you we are pretty much making out, but against your will.  So I have to pull you apart from your slutty toothbrush lover and then stick you in my mouth and rub you all over the cracks and crevices of my mouth?  That just feels dirty.  And it makes me feel like I'm some super needy girl who needs to force toothbrushes to make out with her against their will, which I totally do NOT need to do because, as I said earlier, I totally make out all the time with people who want to make out with me.  Nonetheless, nobody likes to be forced to feel like the needy girl, okay?  That's just MEAN of you.

So the next time this happens, could you please, I don't know, stop making out with the other toothbrush so that I don't feel like a vindictive and needy pathetic-o-tron of a girl.  Okay?  I know you're busy making the third toothbrush feel really left out, but I would really appreciate it.



No comments:

Post a Comment