A cost-benefit analysis of anorexia

Note: I started this post earlier this week and then didn't finish it.  Technically because I ran out of time or fell asleep on my keyboard or something, but also probably because deep down I knew that this is a very touchy subject.  Then yesterday I hardly had time to eat all day because I was busy working and coordinating a flash mob and going to acting class and remembered how sucky it is to be hungry all the time and figured why the heck not finish this sucker up.  For the record, however, let me state that I am not trying to make light of real anorexia, and that what I am calling anorexia here is sort of like someone saying that they are "depressed" when they're in a bad mood.  It's called hyperbole.  Also, DON'T BE ANOREXIC.  You will probably die or at least lose all your hair, and how attractive is that?

True story: anorexia is hard work.  I was anorexic once by accident.  Basically, I got kind of really sick and so I didn't really eat anything for a few days because a) throwing up all the time is NOT FUN and b) it was my first time being sick after I moved out of my parents' house so I didn't have my Mom bringing me tea and toast, and that's just really depressing the first time that happens.  Then I got not sick anymore and realized that I had lost a whole bunch of weight in a really short time, and since I had not yet realized how AWESOME I actually am, I figured that somehow losing weight made me a better person.  That's when I thought these exact words: "If I could keep not eating and become kind of anorexic I would probably lose more weight!  Awesome!"

To anyone who knows me out there reading this (meaning, to the the one person who is reading this because I have gone from having a staggering 4-15 readers a day to having one because the internet hates me and not because I have been too busy to write every day it's all the INTERNET's fault and I know that I'm just demonstrating a cognitive bias but I DON'T CARE because I need protect my frail psyche somehow!) let me just point out that YES, I know that I am thin and always have been thin.  DON'T WORRY.  I am telling this story about how DUMB I once was.

So basically this story progresses with me trying to be all regimented about my eating and doing things like drinking diet pop a lot because the fizziness made me feel full so that now I still can't stand drinking pop with real sugar in it because the concentrated high-fructose-mutant-x-strong-sugar makes me feel nauseous.  This super-regimented period is where I learned that anorexia is really hard work.  Especially because I was trying to be "healthy" about it (I mean come on, I'm not just going to stop eating ALL TOGETHER because THAT would be stupid) by eating little tiny meals of fruits and veggies throughout the day spaced by no more than 4 hours because after 4 hours your body goes into starvation mode and is more likely to store whatever you eat as fat.

Here's where the tricky bit comes in: our bodies DON'T WANT TO DIE.  They are very good at staying alive and will keep trying to stay alive up until they actually die, and who knows?  Maybe the really persistent ones just keep trying to stay alive after that and maybe that's where ghosts come from.  Or zombies.  Or zombie ghosts.

The point is that this story ends with my body not wanting me to systematically starve myself to death and my brain getting exhausted in its battle against my body, so I gave in and started eating like a normal person again.  That's when I realized that it's not worth being hungry all the time to be 10 pounds lighter!  For REALS!  In the grande scheme of things, 10 pounds doesn't really mean all that much.

It is important to note that this logic also works if you're British and 10 pounds is referring to money - in the grande scheme of things 10 pounds of money also doesn't really mean all that much.  So please, British people, if my story has touched your heart in any way, send me 10 pounds in money.  If it hasn't, then you especially should send me 10 pounds so that you will learn this valuable lesson about not being anorexic.

IT'S A LOT OF WORK AND IT'S NOT WORTH IT, Y'ALL.

PS: Maybe I actually stopped writing this post because it kind of went no where and I had to end it by asking for money and that's a little lame.  Whatever, I don't care.  I'm POSTING this.

Comments

SMLois said…
I love you so much. That is all.