A brief history of Canadian Prime Ministers

(This might turn into a series profiling each PM.  I don't know why, but to me this seems like a brilliant idea right now.  If it gets lame I'll probably stop halfway through and then pretend it never happened.)

Okay, so first off there was John A. McDonald, and he was like, "DUDES!  I'm the first Prime Minister EVER!  Beat that."  And no one could for like, 6 years.  But then Alexander Mackenzie came along and just went "SCHWING!  Oh!  I totally stole the Prime Ministership from under your REAR END, Mackers!"  And then he stayed PM for 5 years, which is not 6 years, but is still pretty solid.  But then, out of nowhere, Sir John A. McDonald was all "remember Victoria?  That city way out WEST?  Well I just got elected THERE and now I'm Prime Minister again and I'm going to stay Prime Minister for... oh... I don't know... THIRTEEN YEARS!!???!!  Maybe, if I feel like it.  Whatever, NBD."

So then JAM (that's John A. McDonald, by the by) hung out for 12 years while John Abbott built up a solid pity vote that would make him PM for one year.  Then John Thompson rounded out the trio of Johns on Sussex Drive (some kind of dirty joke about Johns and prostitutes and the government?  Anyone?) with 2 years as PM representin' Antigonish.

After the Johns came Sir Charles Tupper but he only hung around for a few months before LAURIER totally SNITCH SLAPPED him and took the Prime Minister Belt for 15 years straight, defeating JAM's previous reign of longest-consecutive PM.  So this is 1911 now, and while Laurier is sitting pretty, this dude Borden's sitting on the sidelines, just waiting.  He is waiting until BAM!  He is PRIME MINISTERED!  He even switches parties halfway through his 9 years in power, but no one cares because they're all like "Borden, you're DA BOMB!"

Sadly, Borden's reign was cut tragically short by Arthur Meighn, who looked totally dorky and (probably because of his dorky appearance) was replaced in less than a year by the one, the only, the slightly unbalanced, seance-holding man himself, Mr. William Lyon Mackenzie KING!  A FOUR NAME PRIME MINISTER!  No one saw that coming.  An epic battle between King and Meighn broke out.  King held for 5 years, then Meighn came in for 4 months, then King stomped Meighn to the ground for 4 MORE YEARS (oh wait, that's an American reference, isn't it?)  Then Richard Bennett was all "Uh, hey guys?  Can I have a go at this?" and stole Meighn's spot for 5 years.  This whole time King was just rallying though, because when he came back, he came back for 13 YEARS bringing his total years as PM to TWENTY ONE!  That is so impressive I wrote the number out in full.  Seriously.

So then it's 1948 and King is all "you know what dudes? I took a walk in the snow* and I am tired of all your whining." and he handed the whole job over to Louis St. Laurent, who did it a solid for 9 years.  Then Diefenbaker tricked Canada by calling his party "Progressive Conservatives" and people were all like "you know, that doesn't sound so bad, it's not like, actually conservative, right?  It's progressive!" and it took them 6 years to figure out they were wrong and replace him with dreamboat Lester B. Pearson, who was replaced 5 years later by an even dreamier Pierre Trudeau, the PM who swept the nation with a mania surpassed only by that of The Beatles!  Minus a 9 month hiccup known as Joe Clark, Trudeaumania held strong for 13 years.

John Turner was next, but Trudeau was a hard act to follow and Turner wasn't dreamy at all.  The only mania he produced was that of a 3 month Prime Ministership that causes the nation to elect the Official Most Hated Prime Minister of Canadian history: Brian Mulroney.  (Don't worry Bri, I think you'll be replaced as Most Hated as soon as our current idiot-mc-I'm-a-big-jerk-face gets ousted.)  He spent 9 years teaching Canadians everywhere how to hate before being replaced by the first female Prime Minister EVER: Kim Campbell!!!  Sadly she was not actually elected, but was a mere replacement, and as soon as an election rolled around 5 months later the nation went "oh SNAP!  The Prime Minister has BOOBIES?  That ain't right!" and so they elected Jean Chretien instead.  Fun fact: Jean Chretien was the first PM who was elected when I was old enough to care about elections!  In my young mind he was pretty much the first real Prime Minister ever.

Now Jean Chretien reigned solid for 10 years and created a new territory for the first time in... a really long time.  This is pretty impressive if you ask me.  Since there is no new territory to explore, a creative and resourceful Prime Minister chopped one territory into two, increasing his overall amount of territories!  In 2003, the first election I ever got to vote in, Paul Martin was given the golden crown.  After only three years, however, tragedy struck and the country was taken over by Stephen Harper, or as I like to call him, Mini-Zombie-Bush-Mc-Jerk-I-Hate-the-Arts-and-Anyone-Who-Doesn't-Love-Oil-Face.  We still live under his dark cloud today.

The end.

*I don't know if King actually said that, I just know that one of the former PM's did, and it makes most sense that King would after that epic reign.

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