Andrea's Advice

I am starting a new series where I take the questions people send in to other self help columns and then write my own answers to them.  I think it's going to be fun.  I will be some kind of guru.  This will not be joke advice either, it will be totes serious.  So serious I purposefully used a fake word to describe it.

I'm not sure about the ethics of this - should I credit the sites the questions actually came from or not?  Is it stealing?  I don't think it is because I am not stealing the answer written by the professional, but the question written by the person looking to have their questions published and answered.  I'm just providing an alternative, right?  And yes, for the time being I think I shall post where the questions came from.

Okay, well, enough foreplay.  Here we go!  This one's from Ask Dr. Tracy.  It's the first question I found in my search, and the answer Dr. Tracy gives, made me almost as depressed as this unfortunate girl.  Even more depressing was the bad spelling in Dr. Tracy's answer.  I expect bad spelling from a distressed person writing for help, not the professional writer/helper.

I dated my partner for 2 years when I was 18-20 years old. We broke up and after 8 years have got back together and since been seeing each other for 2 years this month. We have had a very rocky relationship over the past 2 years - upsets mostly fuelled by past relationships, especially his 2 ex girlfriends as I feel he was used and abused (so to speak).
But we do love each other and have a very deep connection and I miss him every minute im not with him and continued to miss him for years after we broke up the first time around.
I've been putting the pressure on him to make a committment to get married. The pressure being mostly tears, sadness, depression on the reasons why he won't propose. He says he loves me more then anything and we have bought a dog together and have been living together for the past 1year and half. He is 2 years younger then me and im considering that to be the reason why he won't committ though im concerned as we've been talking and fighting about this for 1 year and im tired of being sad and concerned and depressed about the same issue and have not been able to sleep in the same bed as him for the past 3 years out of my own depression.
What's holding him back from this committment when he says he loves me so much and we share so much love? I feel so heart broken.
Guess what, lady?  Being in love is often not enough.  I was in love once with someone who, had we gotten married, would have made me really unhappy and I would have done the same for him.  Them's just the breaks.  It sucks.  It took me a good 6 months to really get the guts up to confront this and start the conversations that would end our relationship, and guess what?  I am so much happier now!  Not because Former Boyfriend was a bad guy but because ultimately we were not right for each other and we both knew it but didn't want to face it because we still loved each other so much.  Also, I, like you, had some self-esteem problems.  I didn't know how awesome I was and thus felt all insecure all the time and was pretty darn needy and emotional.  Not as bad as you are, but pretty bad.  

DTMFA, as some would say.  Clearly he doesn't make you happy and you don't make him happy.  If he was happy with you he wouldn't be hedging around the idea of marriage at this point in your relationship.  Your love is based entirely on co-dependence, and this is nicht good, my lady.  Break up and focus on your life and how rad-tacular it is.  Then, if this dude's actually right for you, one day you'll both be like "hey, let's get together and share love in a healthy sort of way with respect and boundaries and all that crap!" and it will be awesome.  Or you will be a better, stronger person, who knows their life has meaning without a dude attached to it, and that will be that.  Also, find a counselor because your depression issues are pretty intense.

Final parting thought: imagine if he was to propose to you - could you really truly be happy on your wedding day knowing that he probably only did it because you were begging him to do it?  You want someone to propose to you because they can't imagine living live not married to you, not because they feel like they have to.

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