Stuff Hitler Would Hate (besides the obvious)

  1. Whistling while you work. It is too distracting.  Plus no one ever whistles really good songs.  They never pick Lady Gaga or Sufjan Stevens*, but always whistle really repetitive songs that will get stuck in your head forever and ever and ever and ever and cause you to go insane and be really irrational and maybe violent - hey wait a second, has anyone ever looked into this to explain some of Hitler's behaviour?
  2. Variety in facial hair-stylings.  I'm pretty sure he would have a serious problem with his Arian Army sporting The Porno, The Western, The Chinstrap, or especially The Santa Clause.
  3. Come to think of it, Santa Clause.  First of all, Santa, as we all know is just Satan with the "N" moved around to trick you, and Hitler wouldn't want anyone else stepping on his Satanic vibe - no one was allowed to be more evil than him.  Secondly, Santa gave gifts to freaking everybody!  We all know the whole lump of coal thing is a crock because did you ever know anyone to get a lump of coal as a kid?  I mean, really, even the worst kids in your class got something from Santa.  Hitler wasn't a big fan of indiscriminate distribution of rewards.
  4. A safari in space - There are just too many variables when it comes to a space safari.  Plus, the fact that we need oxygen and any space-natives probably don't mean that humans are at a distinct disadvantage and would probably be totally not able to take over.
  5. Free downloading.  I don't think he would have been a fan of open-source-whatever-internet-stuff-I-don't-know-the-slang.  I'm pretty sure he would LOVE facebook though.  All that personal information to be held and harnessed for the powers of evil.
  6. The way most people these days spend 6 years getting a 4 year degree and then spend a few more years traveling and finding themselves before trying to find work and then realizing that there's no work in their field of study and degrees are meaningless now because everyone has them and not knowing what to do, and so they get crappy jobs and become hipsters so that a sense of irony and self-entitlement can keep away the crushing pain of their hopeless lives.  Okay, how can i put that into a few bold-able words?  Um - Indulged Crises of Laziness/Existentialism in Youth.
  7. Public libraries.  That's a pretty obvious one though, right?
  8. Irony.
  9. Hammer pants.  They are way too impractical and create a very unflattering shape.  I think Hitler was more about clean, simple lines when it came to clothes.
  10. The internet.  Oh man, this is the worst.  He would have HATED the internet so MUCH!  People would totally have been posting blog rants about his stupid ideas and starting memes with pictures of him without a mustache and instead of LOLcats it would be LOLadolfs and he would just have no authority or respect at all.  And no matter what he did he would NEVER be able to stop it because you can't stop a series of tubes!  Oh yes, he would have hated the internet the most.  Except for anything that holds and harnesses personal information for the powers of evil (facebook, everyone's looking at you - at least have the decency to hang your head in shame.)
*See what I did there?  I showed how AWESOME and WIDE-RANGIND my musical taste is by listing two of my favourite artists who are totally different in one fell swoop!  Take that hipsters!  Or wait, does that make me a hipster?  Is Lady Gaga one of the ones that's cool to like?  Crap.  I'm totally a hipster.  Speaking of hipsters, you should Look at this Effing Hipster.  (Note: they actually say the real eff word in the title but I feel bad doing it on here because I have not set precedents for the eff word on this blog and somehow the eff word in titles seems officially sanctioned by the internet and is actually somewhat shocking to my sensibilities.)

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