A defense for a non-zombie Jesus

I know Easter is already old news this year, but I was just reading old blog posts of The Blogess, because somehow I only JUST discovered her which is really insane because she is brilliant, and she made some joke about Easter and saying the eff word a lot on Easter (but she said the real word), and it reminded me of a bone I have to pick.  Not with saying the eff word on Easter.  I'm pretty sure Jesus doesn't care about the eff word because it didn't even exist yet.

I've noticed in recent Easters that people like to make zombie-Jesus jokes.  Stuff like "Happy Zombie Jesus Day!"  Which is supposed to be really cool and daring because it's taking a day that's all sacred for a whole bunch of people and making into a zombie movie.  Like this:


Hahaha, I get it, you think the idea of Jesus raising from the dead is just as realistic as zombies, hahaha... 

HERE'S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS LOGIC.

1. How sure are you that zombies aren't real?  So sure you would stake your Dawkins-level-pretentious atheism on it?

2. If you are an atheist, which you probably are if you're calling Jesus a zombie, you probably follow Science like it was Jesus.  Well I'm pretty sure the scientific method advocates actual RESEARCH right?  Well then maybe you want to do a little research here.  Because there are basically two schools of thought of where zombies come from.  The first is basically that zombies are dead people who have been put under the equivalent of the Imperius curse from Harry Potter by a sorcerer.  The reason why this is wrong is that it's stupid.  And I just found out that this is a possible explanation for zombies and can't currently think of a good argument against it, but if someone did raise Jesus from the dead to control his body, don't you think they would have done something way different with it than just make it fly away into the clouds?  I mean, if I were a sorcerer raising a seriously influential rabble-rouser from the dead, I would probably be doing so with a reason, like maybe to discredit him by making him jump out of his tomb and say "NOT!" and then fall down dead again or something.  Or to trick people into thinking he was still alive and then turning them to whatever evil-sorcerer plans I had, like giving me all their money, or ducats, or whatever they used back then.

The second school of thought, which is by far the most prevalent in current society and thus the only one this should be measured against because it's pop culture zombies and not voodoo zombies that people are referring to in these jokes, generally involves some kind of infection that a living person gets that destroys their nervous system (or something) and makes them into rabid dogs who bite other people and turn them into zombies.  They may or may not want to eat your brain.  THIS is where the faulty logic comes in.  First off, Jesus totes actually died according to the reports (and the reports are the only evidence we've got - SCIENCE), and no one says anything like "all of a sudden in the middle of the crowd flogging Jesus someone came up and injected him with an experimental psychotropic drug!" or anything that would indicate possible infection pre-death.  Also, there is nothing in the reports that after raising from the dead Jesus tried to bite all the disciples or lurched around moaning or anything.  He just said a bunch of nice and slightly confusing stuff, and then flew into the clouds.  Done.  He didn't even bite ANYONE.

3. Think about it: if Jesus was a zombie, why didn't he use his Jesus powers to make everyone else into zombies or get all their brains or whatever it is that zombies want to do?  He had mega-powers, y'all.  He could have made every zombie's dream come true.  And then there wouldn't even be any Bible or anything because nobody would be alive enough to write anything down after that, and I'm pretty sure all that healing of people would be pointless.

4. Speaking of healing, Jesus had mega-healing powers too, and was also probably a pretty serious Occlumencist (to refer back to the idea of Jesus being imperiused), so if he was infected or if someone was trying to control him, I'm pretty sure he could have taken care of that business.

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