I came across this gif and just really felt like it needed to be shared. Here you go.
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Showing posts with label terrifying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label terrifying. Show all posts
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#RetirementGoals
This week in ridiculously unrealistic things:
The replies, however, are golden.
So, you know, take heart, I guess?
The Receptionist Delivers!
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By 35, you should have twice your salary saved, according to retirement experts: https://t.co/QoVA6EFpHJ— MarketWatch (@MarketWatch) May 12, 2018
The replies, however, are golden.
My retirement plan is a shotgun in the mouth.— Andrew Giglio 🖤👻 (@Andrew_Giglio) May 14, 2018
2 shotgun shells? I don't have the type of money. Come now— Justavictim1182 (@justavictim1182) May 15, 2018
I think the key to this is just make sure you have a very very low salary and x7 should be easy to obtain— Cfa (@ComeFromAwayNL) May 15, 2018
What’s a retirement?— DPG (@Galvinizer24) May 14, 2018
So, you know, take heart, I guess?
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Halloween SCARY STORIES
It's almost Halloween, so it's time for some spooooooooky stoooorieeeeeesssssss!
Here are some of the things that really scare me these days:
The Receptionist Delivers!
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Here are some of the things that really scare me these days:
Sign up for my email newsletter for a weekly digest and BONUS CONTENT!
My horoscope is trying to kill me
My horoscope for this month says that now is a perfect time for me to join a club or try out a new hobby.
GUYS. The stars are trying to RUIN me!!!
Do they not realize that if anything now is the time I need to STOP signing up for new things? That joining every single thing that comes my way is something of an addiction for me and I'm trying to STOP? That I just survived a year of constant stress because I sign up for too many things and always want to start a new project? That I have to forcibly stop myself from acting on every random idea that pops into my head??? That I will probably be the first person of all time who dies because she joined TOO MANY CLUBS???
No. The stars don't know that, because the stars don't know ANYTHING. The stars are stupid, you guys. They're just a bunch of burning balls of gas really far away.
Sigh.
Wow. Version 2.0.
I don't know if this will post big enough to be legible, but this ad for Lysol brand douche (if you're me then that's enough to make a scrunchy face and make a skeptical/pain sound) literally equates marital strife with a non-disinfected lady-box. Seriously? Golly gee, I'd better get me some Lysol Concentrated Germ Killer to maintain my feminine daintiness!
At least modern companies that try to convince me my lady-box is disgusting on its own and needs to be disguised with fancy washes and scents pretend that they are made for confident, empowered women instead of meek housewives desperate for a dude's approval.
A sinkhole to hell?
This thing scares the crap out of me.
I really hope it doesn't turn out to be the opening into a hellmouth where uber-vamps will come out and kill us all with their uber-vamp strength. Seriously, those guys are unstoppable. Except for when Buffy gets really really mad and needs to prove a point the the wannabe slayerettes. Then they are stoppable.
You know, I've never really understood why it is that so often Buffy will almost be killed by something over and over again, and then all of a sudden she'll be like "this stops now" and then kills them really easily. I mean, I know that anger boosts adrenaline and focus and can certainly help in a fight, but it's just a really drastic turning point, don't you think? In an otherwise seamlessly realistic world, this is a glaring flaw.
PS: If you have no idea what I'm talking about here, watch season 7 of Buffy. But first slap yourself in the face a few times and run around your block screaming "MY BRAIN IS SO STUPID FOR NOT WATCHING BUFFY ALL THE TIME!" and then watch all 7 seasons of Buffy and become totally obsessed with it until you refer to it constantly in day-to-day conversations. If you feel awkward about doing this, ease yourself in by comparing people you see or interact with to various characters. For example, someone who's mean could be called a Cordelia. Someone who's really smart is a Willow, and a guy who's really really smart but also really cool and succeeds despite his slackerly attitude is an Oz. Get it? Good.
PPS: Oh yeah, and if you actually want to do something to help the people affected by this Guatemalan sink hole that's actually pretty serious and shouldn't be used as an in to stories about Buffy, go here to learn more and give some money. Or really really sharp stakes for dusting those uber-vamps.
A story of personal growth
I have a very special announcement to make. I have GROWN as a PERSON in the past 10 minutes. For reals.
I just got home this evening and went into the bathroom only to find I was about to be assaulted by another killer bug. Not a giant killer bee this time. No, this time it was a tiny spider that I thought was lint until it started moving. I am very proud to announce, however, that upon realizing I was in the presence of an Arachnid (also known as Evil Death Monster), I totally did not freak out! Seriously, I kept my cool COMPLETELY. It was a very zen moment.
I even paused and thought about allowing this poor little bugger to live - who am I to kill it just because it is a spider? It isn't its fault that it's an Evil Death Monster, it didn't ask to be born that way. Who knows, maybe it asked to be a unicorn and then fate was all "NO! Unicorns are passe! You shall be an Evil Death Monster!" and the spider-to-be was all "aw MAN! I so wanted to be a unicorn, they're all mystical and awesome" and then it cried a little bit at its tragic fate. And who am I to be judge, jury, and executioner in such a tragic tale as this?
Of course, then I realized that sadness turns to bitterness which turns to anger, and so this was an angry Evil Death Monster, and may also have leaping abilities. This made it extremely dangerously. So I calmly and cooly chose to kill it in a swift and humane manner. Thank goodness my slippers have rubber soles.
I just got home this evening and went into the bathroom only to find I was about to be assaulted by another killer bug. Not a giant killer bee this time. No, this time it was a tiny spider that I thought was lint until it started moving. I am very proud to announce, however, that upon realizing I was in the presence of an Arachnid (also known as Evil Death Monster), I totally did not freak out! Seriously, I kept my cool COMPLETELY. It was a very zen moment.
I even paused and thought about allowing this poor little bugger to live - who am I to kill it just because it is a spider? It isn't its fault that it's an Evil Death Monster, it didn't ask to be born that way. Who knows, maybe it asked to be a unicorn and then fate was all "NO! Unicorns are passe! You shall be an Evil Death Monster!" and the spider-to-be was all "aw MAN! I so wanted to be a unicorn, they're all mystical and awesome" and then it cried a little bit at its tragic fate. And who am I to be judge, jury, and executioner in such a tragic tale as this?
Of course, then I realized that sadness turns to bitterness which turns to anger, and so this was an angry Evil Death Monster, and may also have leaping abilities. This made it extremely dangerously. So I calmly and cooly chose to kill it in a swift and humane manner. Thank goodness my slippers have rubber soles.
Mouse in the house!
As usual, the creepiest and most wonderful things I find on the internet come from Boing Boing. Here is a mouse made out of... an actual mouse? Yikes.
Find the original post here.
I'm pretty sure I will have nightmares about this
The Handfish. It's a fish that walks on hand-like fins. Seriously. This is a missing link that I can just imagine crawling along my floor at night and up the side of my bed. Can you imagine waking up with this thing towering over you? Can you imagine dying on the spot before it has a chance to any evil, murderous-fish type things to you? I can. And don't try to tell me I'm safe because I don't live under water. If this is a fish that adapted to have feet, how do we know it doesn't also have lungs? Exactly.
The handfish will eat you and your babies. If you don't have any yet it will eat your future fertility. Which is pretty much inevitable once it eats you, if you think about it.
Via, as always, Boing Boing.
The handfish will eat you and your babies. If you don't have any yet it will eat your future fertility. Which is pretty much inevitable once it eats you, if you think about it.
Via, as always, Boing Boing.
Disney is Educational, y'all!
I came across both of these from Boing Boing, apparently the original source is unknown. To be frank, I'm too lazy to look into it myself and am trusting the good folks of Boing Boing. Good to have someone point out how Disney is equally oppressive/stereotypical/full-of-terrible-advice for guys and girls. My favourites is the Beast (in his prince form, but I don't remember his name) "mmmmmmm, stockholm syndrom"
Do you want a window into the scary part of my brain? Here it is.
Last night I had a dream that some kind of spirit/ghost thing needed to sleep in my room. I knew it was going to sleep in my room and I needed to give it a blanket of its own otherwise it would lie under my blanket with me. I woke up and realized that I had to act fast before this ghosty/spirit/zombie thing came and slept in my bed. Somewhere in my brain I knew it was a completely harmless ghost that just wanted somewhere to sleep, but the thought of seeing the blankets next to me form around a person that wasn't there was just too much. My solution was to put my second blanket on the floor at the foot of my bed. There! Nice bed for the spirit/ghost/zombie/child thing and it's out of my sight. I get to fall back asleep pretending it's not there!
So my question is, what on earth is wrong with my brain? I mean, I know, I get scared easily. I really really do. Mostly because they are definitely real and if you tell me they are not I will point to the funny feeling I have at my back RIGHT NOW just THINKING about them and you will not be able to deny that because FEELINGS ARE FACTS.
I can't even watch PREVIEWS for movies like The Exorcist. It's so bad that even the cartoon bunny version of The Exorcist* scared me a little bit. So yes, even the slightest suggestion that some spirit, malevolent or not, is nearby will make me really really scared and I will do anything I can to keep it away. Anything includes sleeping with a night-light at the age of 16, changing bedrooms with my little brother because his room is in front of the house and then streetlight will come into my window and I won't have to sleep with a night-light anymore and will not have to be so embarrassed all the time, and apparently making a bed for a ghost on the floor at the foot of my bed.
If this was just a funny story about a dream I had this would be one thing, but I actually woke up fully, and arranged a blanket at the foot of my bed so I wouldn't have to lie in bed next to a ghost. This is no longer a funny story, but a picture of some kind of disorder. Unfortunately, my undergraduate degree in psychology is failing me here.
I'm pretty sure at this point I am not a danger to myself or others, so no serious psychological help needs to be done, but this can't be healthy. If I was the type of person to EVER the the letters "f" "m" and "l" in succession, I would do so. Right now.
PS: As I was typing this either my landlord walked past my window or a ghost did or I am really freaking out and seeing things because I totally jumped. YEESH!
*I totally tried looking up that video on youtube because I'm pretty sure the average person would find it cute and hilarious and I found it mostly funny and secretly pretty scary. Unfortunately when I typed "the exorcist with bunnies" into youtube the first video that came up had a face that I'm pretty sure wasn't Linda Blair's but still looked like it was kind of possessed and I had to make it go away fast before I started getting nightmares.
Update: On my "edit posts" page that lists everything posted thus far this post title is truncated to "do you want a window into the scary part of my bra..." which to me is just hilarious. I'm not sure which part is the scary part of my bra, but chances are you do NOT want a window there.
So my question is, what on earth is wrong with my brain? I mean, I know, I get scared easily. I really really do. Mostly because they are definitely real and if you tell me they are not I will point to the funny feeling I have at my back RIGHT NOW just THINKING about them and you will not be able to deny that because FEELINGS ARE FACTS.
I can't even watch PREVIEWS for movies like The Exorcist. It's so bad that even the cartoon bunny version of The Exorcist* scared me a little bit. So yes, even the slightest suggestion that some spirit, malevolent or not, is nearby will make me really really scared and I will do anything I can to keep it away. Anything includes sleeping with a night-light at the age of 16, changing bedrooms with my little brother because his room is in front of the house and then streetlight will come into my window and I won't have to sleep with a night-light anymore and will not have to be so embarrassed all the time, and apparently making a bed for a ghost on the floor at the foot of my bed.
If this was just a funny story about a dream I had this would be one thing, but I actually woke up fully, and arranged a blanket at the foot of my bed so I wouldn't have to lie in bed next to a ghost. This is no longer a funny story, but a picture of some kind of disorder. Unfortunately, my undergraduate degree in psychology is failing me here.
I'm pretty sure at this point I am not a danger to myself or others, so no serious psychological help needs to be done, but this can't be healthy. If I was the type of person to EVER the the letters "f" "m" and "l" in succession, I would do so. Right now.
PS: As I was typing this either my landlord walked past my window or a ghost did or I am really freaking out and seeing things because I totally jumped. YEESH!
*I totally tried looking up that video on youtube because I'm pretty sure the average person would find it cute and hilarious and I found it mostly funny and secretly pretty scary. Unfortunately when I typed "the exorcist with bunnies" into youtube the first video that came up had a face that I'm pretty sure wasn't Linda Blair's but still looked like it was kind of possessed and I had to make it go away fast before I started getting nightmares.
Update: On my "edit posts" page that lists everything posted thus far this post title is truncated to "do you want a window into the scary part of my bra..." which to me is just hilarious. I'm not sure which part is the scary part of my bra, but chances are you do NOT want a window there.
I hope I don't die
There is currently a giant spider crawling down my wall. I just noticed it out of the corner of my eye. I am terrified. Literally. I think this fear reaction is actually problematic.
Okay, it's stopped crawling now. It's just sitting there. What do I do? Do I kill it? Do I let it live? Do I call my roomie over to deal with - CRAP IT'S MOVING AGAIN! I CAN'T SEE IT ANYMORE! OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NOOHNOOHNO!
(PS: it's really hard to type "oh no" over and over again - and it looks really funny without the spaces. Has anyone else ever noticed that? Okay, back to terror.)
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE EFF DO I DO?????? It could be crawling across the floor to my bed now and I can't see it and what if it's crawling up onto my bed now and why doesn't it just know that it should stay away from me because I am a giant-sized human with a severe fear reaction that is completely disproportionate to the situation and I am just really really TERRIFIED right now!
Okay, I'm opting for denial. There is no spider. There is no spider. I am going to be very very zen about this. I am breathing deeply. Spiders are just a part of God's creation and as much as it seems like they were later invented by Satan to bring fear and death into our lives they were really just made to keep the ecosystem in balance.... ommmmmmmmmmmmmm...... breathe....
It's not working, but now I am starting to feel really silly, which I guess works too.
Update: now there's a moth flying around my room. Sometimes I just hate my life so much.
Update 2.0: not there's another unidentified insect crawling on the wall and I'm so jumpy that a paper moved in my peripheral vision and I almost fell off my bed. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE??? I'm pretty sure this is a "the moths are coming to get their revenge" situation.
Okay, it's stopped crawling now. It's just sitting there. What do I do? Do I kill it? Do I let it live? Do I call my roomie over to deal with - CRAP IT'S MOVING AGAIN! I CAN'T SEE IT ANYMORE! OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NOOHNOOHNO!
(PS: it's really hard to type "oh no" over and over again - and it looks really funny without the spaces. Has anyone else ever noticed that? Okay, back to terror.)
SERIOUSLY WHAT THE EFF DO I DO?????? It could be crawling across the floor to my bed now and I can't see it and what if it's crawling up onto my bed now and why doesn't it just know that it should stay away from me because I am a giant-sized human with a severe fear reaction that is completely disproportionate to the situation and I am just really really TERRIFIED right now!
Okay, I'm opting for denial. There is no spider. There is no spider. I am going to be very very zen about this. I am breathing deeply. Spiders are just a part of God's creation and as much as it seems like they were later invented by Satan to bring fear and death into our lives they were really just made to keep the ecosystem in balance.... ommmmmmmmmmmmmm...... breathe....
It's not working, but now I am starting to feel really silly, which I guess works too.
Update: now there's a moth flying around my room. Sometimes I just hate my life so much.
Update 2.0: not there's another unidentified insect crawling on the wall and I'm so jumpy that a paper moved in my peripheral vision and I almost fell off my bed. COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE??? I'm pretty sure this is a "the moths are coming to get their revenge" situation.
Website creates online community for your actual community
I know that the whole idea of replacing real-life friends with internet-friends isn't that new. People are always criticizing social media platforms for doing just that. Personally, I don't think most social media platforms actually replace real-life friends at all. They aren't substitutes for having a life, but aids to having a life. I am an avid user of facebook, because it's an easy way for me to keep in touch with my friends and make plans so that we can get together in real life. I see people in real life just as often, if not more often, as I did pre-facebook, and I get to keep in touch with acquaintances, business contacts, and people who live far away. I'm sold!
Enter Share Some Sugar, a site designed to help you find neighbours how have things you need for renting or borrowing. The creator says:
Secondly, it's hilarious because he's RIGHT! When I was a kid we knew all our neighbours. Someone new would move in and their kids would play in the cul-de-sac with us, Moms would send over some foodstuffs, and parents would stand in the sidewalk chatting on warm evenings. We even had block parties! It was so easy, so natural - we didn't wonder what kind of people our neighbours were or if they had things or how to meet them, we just did. We didn't even think about it. Now I don't know any of my neighbours and if I do need, say, a cup of sugar, I am more likely to give up on my baking project all together before I'd knock on a neighbour's door and ask for one. When I used to do that all the time! Literally!
So this is what we've come to. We can't even knock on our neighbour's doors for real anymore. We need to use the internet as a platform to meet the people who live right next door. Sad? Awesome? Meaningless? I don't know. Hilarious? Yes.
(PS: On this note, I am trying to figure out a way I can meet the really attractive people who moved in next door... anyone have any suggestions? Maybe they're on this site? Probably not. It's kind of lame. I bet their on Plenty of Fish though, if only I could figure out a way to narrow that down by geography.)
Enter Share Some Sugar, a site designed to help you find neighbours how have things you need for renting or borrowing. The creator says:
3 years ago I moved out of an apartment into my fi rst home. Moving into your fi rst home is not only a big, scary deal, but once you move in, you realize that you don't have 'house things' like a set of tools, a lawnmower, a ladder. I thought it would be silly to go out and buy things like a seeder or rake when I knew that one of my neighbors had one. The problem was, I didn't know who had what.
I thought to myself, "what if there was a way to know who had what in your neighborhood?". A way for you to see your neighbor's inventory, and share and borrow things rather than buy them. In the meantime you would get to know and trust more of your neighbors. You'd feel like you actually live in a community. Like the good old days when you would knock on a neighbors door to see if they would Share Some Sugar with you.
And so the light bulb went o ff and I created Share Some Sugar, where you can knock online instead. We hope you enjoy your experience with Share Some Sugar. We would love to hear your feedback so we can improve the site to be a better experience for you and your neighbors.Does this strike anyone else as hilarious? Personally, I see two reasons for hilarity: first of all, an internet community for your actual, real-life, geographical community? I'm pretty sure the term "internet community" was coined in the first place to make people feel like various websites were mimicking their actual neighbourhood community. Now it's come full circle. Come on, that's FUNNY!
Secondly, it's hilarious because he's RIGHT! When I was a kid we knew all our neighbours. Someone new would move in and their kids would play in the cul-de-sac with us, Moms would send over some foodstuffs, and parents would stand in the sidewalk chatting on warm evenings. We even had block parties! It was so easy, so natural - we didn't wonder what kind of people our neighbours were or if they had things or how to meet them, we just did. We didn't even think about it. Now I don't know any of my neighbours and if I do need, say, a cup of sugar, I am more likely to give up on my baking project all together before I'd knock on a neighbour's door and ask for one. When I used to do that all the time! Literally!
So this is what we've come to. We can't even knock on our neighbour's doors for real anymore. We need to use the internet as a platform to meet the people who live right next door. Sad? Awesome? Meaningless? I don't know. Hilarious? Yes.
(PS: On this note, I am trying to figure out a way I can meet the really attractive people who moved in next door... anyone have any suggestions? Maybe they're on this site? Probably not. It's kind of lame. I bet their on Plenty of Fish though, if only I could figure out a way to narrow that down by geography.)
Why Al Gore invented the internet. The real, factual, un-lying truth.
I was just settling in to my all-too-frequent habit of lounging on the internet when I had a stark realization that shocked me out of complacency. Naturally, I immediately jumped over to my blog to share this information. My stark realization was this: the internet wastes your time.
I know.
It's bad.
Let's start at the beginning: the internet-lounging. You know what I'm talking about - when you go online* because you think to yourself, "Self, I've got some free time and can't think of what to do with it. I don't want to go to bed because it's only 9:20 (even though my roommates are already in bed which is kind of insanely early, but they're weird like that) but it's too late to walk down to the store to buy ice cream even though it's my turn. Hmmm... I guess I'll see if anyone's messaged me on facebook! I'll only go on for a few minutes though, until I think of something else to do..."
If you are unsure of what I'm referring to, it's probably because you've already been online for too long and can't quite feel your extremities anymore. Or you are still convincing yourself that the internet is helping you have a more productive, fun, and informed life. These are lies. If it helps, compare the internet to what TV was as a kid. Fun at first, and then 5 hours later you would barely be able to lift your head from the couch to shovel more toast into your mouth (toast because your mom doesn't buy junk food for snacking on in the house - but is eating 4 pieces of toast in one sitting really better?)
Okay, so back on track. You've just had the thoughts written in italics above. This is the beginning of a long and boring journey through the internet. One that never adds productivity, fun, or useful information to your life. Here's what happens:
1. You check facebook first (just to get it out of the way before you move on to better things) and maybe you have a few messages, maybe you don't.
2. You respond to any you have or read them but don't answer them right away so that you look busy and cool.
3. You scroll through the newsfeed a little and maybe comment on a thing or two. Then you look at the profile of someone you went to high school with and haven't spoken with for 8 years (read: since graduation or maybe a little before but you added each other on facebook when it was new and exciting to think about "catching up" with "old friends" again) for something like 10 minutes.
4. You shake yourself and decide to stop wasting time and move on with your life.
5. So you check your email.
6. You don't have any emails because you checked two hour ago before you left work and no one really communicates by email anymore unless it's work related and it's 9:25pm by now.
7. You go back to facebook, just for a quick second.
8. You visit some blogs or webcomics you like to read. They haven't updated since this afternoon when you were killing time at work.
9. You peruse old posts on the blogs and webcomics anyways.
10. You go back to faecebook, just to see if anyone commented on your comment you left on someone else's status update.
11. They haven't. You refresh a couple times to see if they have in the meantime.
12. You realize that you are just as (if not more) pathetic as the stereotypical "girl waiting beside the phone" who picks up the phone periodically to see if it's still working then panics that someone tried to call just then, then checks her answering machine (because this scenario can only exist, at most recent, the early 90's when land lines, busy signals, and answering machines were a part of every day living) to see if somehow the call went straight there, then panics again that she's tying up the line and hangs up only to start again 5 minutes later.
13. You realize this but you do nothing about it because now you've been sucked into the soulless void of the internet where nothing truly lives except for maybe zombie dementors.
14. You give up on trying to think and stare at the same screens as your life passes you by.
15. Before you realize it, it's 1am and your whole night is gone. You haven't accomplished anything, and now you won't get enough sleep and will be tired all day at work tomorrow, which means you won't have the energy to actually accomplish anything tomorrow either, but instead will quietly obey simple commands as you trudge through your day.
16. You are now ready to join the army. Which army, I don't know. But an army for sure.
*Does anyone else feel really weird about terms like "go online" nowadays? It sounds so archaic, like I just finished dialing into my modem, or like I just asked if you even have the internet in the first place. It's like everything is always online now so it's just silly to make a point of saying it. Right?
I know.
It's bad.
Let's start at the beginning: the internet-lounging. You know what I'm talking about - when you go online* because you think to yourself, "Self, I've got some free time and can't think of what to do with it. I don't want to go to bed because it's only 9:20 (even though my roommates are already in bed which is kind of insanely early, but they're weird like that) but it's too late to walk down to the store to buy ice cream even though it's my turn. Hmmm... I guess I'll see if anyone's messaged me on facebook! I'll only go on for a few minutes though, until I think of something else to do..."
If you are unsure of what I'm referring to, it's probably because you've already been online for too long and can't quite feel your extremities anymore. Or you are still convincing yourself that the internet is helping you have a more productive, fun, and informed life. These are lies. If it helps, compare the internet to what TV was as a kid. Fun at first, and then 5 hours later you would barely be able to lift your head from the couch to shovel more toast into your mouth (toast because your mom doesn't buy junk food for snacking on in the house - but is eating 4 pieces of toast in one sitting really better?)
Okay, so back on track. You've just had the thoughts written in italics above. This is the beginning of a long and boring journey through the internet. One that never adds productivity, fun, or useful information to your life. Here's what happens:
1. You check facebook first (just to get it out of the way before you move on to better things) and maybe you have a few messages, maybe you don't.
2. You respond to any you have or read them but don't answer them right away so that you look busy and cool.
3. You scroll through the newsfeed a little and maybe comment on a thing or two. Then you look at the profile of someone you went to high school with and haven't spoken with for 8 years (read: since graduation or maybe a little before but you added each other on facebook when it was new and exciting to think about "catching up" with "old friends" again) for something like 10 minutes.
4. You shake yourself and decide to stop wasting time and move on with your life.
5. So you check your email.
6. You don't have any emails because you checked two hour ago before you left work and no one really communicates by email anymore unless it's work related and it's 9:25pm by now.
7. You go back to facebook, just for a quick second.
8. You visit some blogs or webcomics you like to read. They haven't updated since this afternoon when you were killing time at work.
9. You peruse old posts on the blogs and webcomics anyways.
10. You go back to faecebook, just to see if anyone commented on your comment you left on someone else's status update.
11. They haven't. You refresh a couple times to see if they have in the meantime.
12. You realize that you are just as (if not more) pathetic as the stereotypical "girl waiting beside the phone" who picks up the phone periodically to see if it's still working then panics that someone tried to call just then, then checks her answering machine (because this scenario can only exist, at most recent, the early 90's when land lines, busy signals, and answering machines were a part of every day living) to see if somehow the call went straight there, then panics again that she's tying up the line and hangs up only to start again 5 minutes later.
13. You realize this but you do nothing about it because now you've been sucked into the soulless void of the internet where nothing truly lives except for maybe zombie dementors.
14. You give up on trying to think and stare at the same screens as your life passes you by.
15. Before you realize it, it's 1am and your whole night is gone. You haven't accomplished anything, and now you won't get enough sleep and will be tired all day at work tomorrow, which means you won't have the energy to actually accomplish anything tomorrow either, but instead will quietly obey simple commands as you trudge through your day.
16. You are now ready to join the army. Which army, I don't know. But an army for sure.
*Does anyone else feel really weird about terms like "go online" nowadays? It sounds so archaic, like I just finished dialing into my modem, or like I just asked if you even have the internet in the first place. It's like everything is always online now so it's just silly to make a point of saying it. Right?
The best google search suggestions ever.
I don't know how many people have to search a phrase for it to get top billing on the suggestions. How many people are upset that they can't own Canadians? Or are upset that they also got married?
Why I Am Already an Old Lady I
In many ways I am a young, hip, urban girl who's up with the latest jazz. I know how to use the internet without bothering to care how it works, I wear ridiculous sunglasses, I am down with social media, and so on. In so many other ways I am already an old lady. One of the many ways I am an old lady is my unfortunate inability to follow internet memes or understand why they are good.
A few months ago I was hanging out with Roomie and some of her friends, and they were talking about LOLcats. I had heard of these "LOLcats" before, but I never understood what they were. Were they cats laughing? Were they videos of hilarious cats? Were they people dressed as cats holding signs that say "LOL"? What were they?
Apparently, they are pictures people take of their cats and then write stupid, misspelled things in the on them that somehow relate to what the cat is doing. Apparently the first one was a really fat cat saying "I can has cheezburger?" Thus explaining why I kept hearing people say "I can has [insert random thing here]" and thinking it was hilarious. Apparently, people were not satisfied with writing misspelled things on pictures of cats, but had to start creating LOLcat versions of things where they use all the bad grammar and typos and make a well-known piece of literature (ie: the Bible) "hilarious." (Please read those quotation marks as incredibly judgmental and sarcastic. Thanks!)
I understand that these misspellings are common typos and/or abbreviations people often use online, either by accident or on purpose. Yes, I too occasionally type "teh" instead of "the", but then I correct it and move on. If somehow, I don't catch the typo before posting something, I die of embarrassment inside and either fix it or publicly shame myself for it like any decent person would. What I don't do is encourage it by creating an internet meme centered around it!
I also understand that cats are adorable and often hilarious. I mean, what's funnier than this:
That hilarious video would have never been possible without a cat! And what's more adorable than KITTEN WARS? (PS: My baby Percy was a Winningest Kitten! Take that!) I just don't get what's so funny about this:
A few months ago I was hanging out with Roomie and some of her friends, and they were talking about LOLcats. I had heard of these "LOLcats" before, but I never understood what they were. Were they cats laughing? Were they videos of hilarious cats? Were they people dressed as cats holding signs that say "LOL"? What were they?
I don't know if this is big enough for you to read, but this comic made me realize that LOLcats are a real thing and that I didn't understand them. Unfortunately, it did not help explain them. Also, I didn't get Rick Rolling...
Apparently, they are pictures people take of their cats and then write stupid, misspelled things in the on them that somehow relate to what the cat is doing. Apparently the first one was a really fat cat saying "I can has cheezburger?" Thus explaining why I kept hearing people say "I can has [insert random thing here]" and thinking it was hilarious. Apparently, people were not satisfied with writing misspelled things on pictures of cats, but had to start creating LOLcat versions of things where they use all the bad grammar and typos and make a well-known piece of literature (ie: the Bible) "hilarious." (Please read those quotation marks as incredibly judgmental and sarcastic. Thanks!)
I understand that these misspellings are common typos and/or abbreviations people often use online, either by accident or on purpose. Yes, I too occasionally type "teh" instead of "the", but then I correct it and move on. If somehow, I don't catch the typo before posting something, I die of embarrassment inside and either fix it or publicly shame myself for it like any decent person would. What I don't do is encourage it by creating an internet meme centered around it!
I also understand that cats are adorable and often hilarious. I mean, what's funnier than this:
That hilarious video would have never been possible without a cat! And what's more adorable than KITTEN WARS? (PS: My baby Percy was a Winningest Kitten! Take that!) I just don't get what's so funny about this:
Do you? Can you honestly tell me it's funny? Granted this is probably a "bad" LOLcat, but I think that's like saying something is a "bad" Nickelback song. I mean, really.
I also had to have Rick Rolling explained to me, and still don't think that's very funny either.
Because I am already an old lady.
We are now officially gods - hear us laser.
Okay, now we're controlling the weather? Creepy! From the always educaining (education/entertaining) Boing Boing.
Triggering rain with lasers
David Pescovitz at 11:15 AM May 4, 2010
For five decades, most attempts at weather modification involved cloud seeding, a process usually meant to trigger rain by dispersing certain chemicals from airplanes. Thing is, it may not even work very well wile its environmental impact is cause for concern. Now, researchers from the University of Geneva are exploring whether firing lasers into the sky could stimulate rain more effectively and safely. They've published results from their experiments in the journal Nature Photonics. From Nature News:
Firing a laser beam made up of short pulses into the air ionizes nitrogen and oxygen molecules around the beam to create a plasma, resulting in a 'plasma channel' of ionized molecules. These ionized molecules could act as natural condensation nuclei, (optical physicist Jérôme) Kasparian explains.
To test whether this technique could induce droplets, the researchers fired a high-powered laser through an atmospheric cloud chamber in the lab containing saturated air. They illuminated the chamber using a second, standard low-power laser, enabling them to see and measure any droplets produced. Immediately after the laser was fired, drops measuring about 50 micrometres wide formed along the plasma channel. Over the next three seconds, the droplets grew in size to 80 micrometres as the smaller droplets coalesced.
The next step for Kasparian and his team was to take the technique outside....
Kasparian and his colleagues tested the (high-powered, portable) Teramobile laser over a number of different nights and in various humidity conditions. Once again, they detected the amount of condensation induced by monitoring how much the light from a second laser was back-scattered by any droplets. In low humidity conditions, the Teramobile laser did not induce droplets. But when the humidity was high, the team measured up to 20 times more back-scattering after the Teramobile laser was fired than before, says Kasparian, suggesting that condensation droplets were forming.
Triggering rain with lasers
David Pescovitz at 11:15 AM May 4, 2010
For five decades, most attempts at weather modification involved cloud seeding, a process usually meant to trigger rain by dispersing certain chemicals from airplanes. Thing is, it may not even work very well wile its environmental impact is cause for concern. Now, researchers from the University of Geneva are exploring whether firing lasers into the sky could stimulate rain more effectively and safely. They've published results from their experiments in the journal Nature Photonics. From Nature News:
Firing a laser beam made up of short pulses into the air ionizes nitrogen and oxygen molecules around the beam to create a plasma, resulting in a 'plasma channel' of ionized molecules. These ionized molecules could act as natural condensation nuclei, (optical physicist Jérôme) Kasparian explains.
To test whether this technique could induce droplets, the researchers fired a high-powered laser through an atmospheric cloud chamber in the lab containing saturated air. They illuminated the chamber using a second, standard low-power laser, enabling them to see and measure any droplets produced. Immediately after the laser was fired, drops measuring about 50 micrometres wide formed along the plasma channel. Over the next three seconds, the droplets grew in size to 80 micrometres as the smaller droplets coalesced.
The next step for Kasparian and his team was to take the technique outside....
Kasparian and his colleagues tested the (high-powered, portable) Teramobile laser over a number of different nights and in various humidity conditions. Once again, they detected the amount of condensation induced by monitoring how much the light from a second laser was back-scattered by any droplets. In low humidity conditions, the Teramobile laser did not induce droplets. But when the humidity was high, the team measured up to 20 times more back-scattering after the Teramobile laser was fired than before, says Kasparian, suggesting that condensation droplets were forming.
It's time for an update!
All of a sudden I just felt like blogging again. I was doing that thing where I'm not just thinking my thoughts, but narrating them to myself, so I thought that instead of being totally insane, I would just write them down, since that's clearly what my brain is trying to do.
So, update to my (ha!) internet following: I am no longer a receptionist. I am now and APPRENTICE and soon will be a PUBLICIST. It's been a very fruitful 10 months. Currently I am performing in a show at Pacific Theatre, and, more importantly (no offense, Ron), rehearsing my one-woman show that I wrote about my dear ol' Grandpa. It's very near and dear to my heart, which means it's both exciting and absolutely terrifying.
Right now I'm coming to the crashing realization that while I've been focusing all my energy on the whole writer/actor side of things, I've been sorely neglecting the producer/publicist/designer/everything else side of things. So out came the list. It's long and I just know deep down inside that I'm missing things. *le sigh*
On the upside, a lot of random people are getting excited about coming to the show. One of the pastors from my old church (where I and my Grandpa went for many years), a girl I went to high school with and haven't talked to in years (oh Facebook), and so on... And then of course, my whole family is making special treks out to see it which is almost paralyzingly terrifying since they actually all knew the man and hold him just as near and dear as I do. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'll cry during a few parts if I know my family's in the audience.
Before I sign off I just realized I should probably actually mention the name of my show! It's called Silk Threads, and it's playing at Pacific Theatre June 18-20. $11 in advance, pay what you can at the door! Come ch-ch-check it out!
So, update to my (ha!) internet following: I am no longer a receptionist. I am now and APPRENTICE and soon will be a PUBLICIST. It's been a very fruitful 10 months. Currently I am performing in a show at Pacific Theatre, and, more importantly (no offense, Ron), rehearsing my one-woman show that I wrote about my dear ol' Grandpa. It's very near and dear to my heart, which means it's both exciting and absolutely terrifying.
Right now I'm coming to the crashing realization that while I've been focusing all my energy on the whole writer/actor side of things, I've been sorely neglecting the producer/publicist/designer/everything else side of things. So out came the list. It's long and I just know deep down inside that I'm missing things. *le sigh*
On the upside, a lot of random people are getting excited about coming to the show. One of the pastors from my old church (where I and my Grandpa went for many years), a girl I went to high school with and haven't talked to in years (oh Facebook), and so on... And then of course, my whole family is making special treks out to see it which is almost paralyzingly terrifying since they actually all knew the man and hold him just as near and dear as I do. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'll cry during a few parts if I know my family's in the audience.
Before I sign off I just realized I should probably actually mention the name of my show! It's called Silk Threads, and it's playing at Pacific Theatre June 18-20. $11 in advance, pay what you can at the door! Come ch-ch-check it out!
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