How to Use Dance Floor Jams for the Greater Good


People say that they don't like to be told what to do.  I say I don't like to be told what to do.  Unfortunately, people like Beyonce, Daft Punk, Fergie, Ludacris, and even S Club 7, have shown that we are all liars.

Go to any dance floor, any day, and watch people act like a bunch of sheeple (that's punk teen-code combining the word "sheep" with the word "people", implying that the people are just a bunch of sheep-like followers, in case you weren't a pseudo-punk teen in the 90's and didn't catch that), doing whatever the singer is telling them to do.

They tell us to wave our hands in the air and most people obediently wave their arms side to side over their heads, like they are at a very unconventional youth worship conference.

They instruct us ladies in the specific ways we should shake different parts of their bodies, and again, we are more than happy to oblige.

Luckily, we don't take the commands too literally.  When told to wave our hands in the air "like we just don't care", we generally keep the waving to a youth conference-level of extremity, because we all care about not getting hit in the face.

After I realized this great power the singers of dance hits have over us, it occurred to me that these people could actually change the world for the better and influence positive social change.  So here are some of my suggestions on new things that the singers of Dance Hits 2016 could tell us to do:

Instead Of... How About...
Fatman Scoop singing "You got a twenty dollar bill, put your hands up!"... "You gonna donate twenty to a meaningful cause, put your hands up!"
Daft Punk's repetition of "Put your hands up in the air" over and over and over again.... Repeating "Forgiveness is the key", instead.
Ludacris' simple cry of "Hands up!" in Get Back... "Arms out!" (and then everyone hugs their neighbour.)
Beyonce saying "Now put your hands up!" in Single Ladies... "Now communicate! (With your partner about your true needs and expectations for the relationship.)"
Luke Bryan's demand that country girls "Shake it for [him]" "Country girl, ride your horse as an alternate to driving and consuming more fossil fuels."
Outkast's famous command to "Shake it like a polaroid picture" as a reward to the male singers for doing their job and playing music... "Enjoy life and love your neighbour!"
"Shak[ing] your body from side to side" as S Club 7 orders... "Look a problem from someone else's side."

One that should stay just the way it is: when Nelly calls out "If you ever loved somebody put your hands up!"

Sing it, Nelly!  Celebrate love!

As a slight feminist postscript, I wish that more ladies sang songs commanding that the men shake for them.  Not only would it even things out a bit more, which is always a nice thing to do, but it would maybe motivate more dudes to learn how to shake their booties with more gusto, which is fun for everyone.  Equality of shaking body parts!  Shaking body parts for all!

UPDATE: My friend Brian sent me this amazing video that made by (of course) Lonely Islands ft. Robyn. They demonstrate that I was not the first person in the world to observe the "lemmings on the dance floor" phenomenon:

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