What is this feeling?

Hey! This is my art. You can buy it at Society6!

Last week I went to go see a workshop performance of a show one of my besties has been creating.

It was so amazing! I felt SO MANY THINGS, watching her!

First, obviously, I was enjoying the beautiful, funny, interesting, entertaining show. I was also so proud of her and excited that she wanted to do this big thing and she did it! SHE DID IT! She not only did it, but did it well. How often can people actually say that???

I was also jealous. Very jealous, actually.

What was I jealous of? Not her acting or improvising skills. Not her singing. Not even the fact that she had put on a show. These are things that I may have been jealous of in the past, but I was not jealous of now.

I was jealous that she is doing a thing. An amazing thing. And she was doing it so well. And there were so many people there who loved her and admired her.

I want to do my amazing things. And I do, some of them. Sometimes. And they are not always amazing. Are they ever amazing? I don't know. Often, they go nowhere, because at some point when you are creating art other people need to show up and they don't always show up.

Here's something else I was jealous about: she oozes talent and blends it with hard work and dedication so that it's truly remarkable.

I fumble. I have some talent, but overall I don't know that it's anything special. I try to give it attention and practice, but life is busy and I only get so far.

HERE IS WHY THIS EVEN MATTERS AT ALL:

Jealousy is a sign. Jealousy is a big, giant sign with flashing lights pointing at the thing that your heart wants and doesn't have.

I am jealous that she had a passion in her heart and she acted on it. I am jealous that she treats her talent with care and nurtures it. I CAN DO THOSE THINGS TOO, and the jealousy crawling around in my chest tells me that I should.

The other people stuff, I don't have control over that. But I can start to remember my past projects with some accuracy and know that people have shown up for me in the past. I can also try to learn to value that less and stop being so worried about external validation and feeling special and all that junk.

Also, STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS, THIS IS THE ROOT OF ALL UNHAPPINESS AND TERRIBLE THOUGHTS.

PS: I also left the show with a bunch of notes jotted on the back of a receipt of ideas that she inspired in me. So the moral of the story here is get over yourself, be happy for people, be inspired, don't compare, do your special things.

PPS: I was looking up pictures with the key word jealous, and look what came up! Poor little lamb.

Photo credit: Per Jensen via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA



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Comments

Anonymous said…
Time for another Confessional to start things off on the right foot again?!