Taking Songs Too Seriously: The First Taste by Fiona Apple

Like most moody youths of the 90s, I listened to a lot lot lot of Fiona Apple. All those feelings!

Of course, I didn't even begin to grasp the sexy implications of her song The First Taste, but now I get to listen to it and be scandalized for my younger self, singing along to a song that couldn't more clearly be about sex.

Not to worry, though! Count on Fiona Apple to take this sexy, upbeat song and make a music video that is weird, awkward, and kind of depressing.

Part of it isn't her fault. It's the nineties. Just the clothes un-sexify the whole thing quite a bit.

I mean, look at the one woman in pink behind Fiona (the one who actually looks like she's into the dancing), she looks like she's wearing nurse's scrubs. I have nothing against nurses or scrubs, but they usually aren't worn in sexy dance parties.

Oh, sorry, were you distracted by the undercover cop trying to mask the fact that he's checking her neck for a tattoo by smelling her hair and then bopping his head to the music like the "cool kids do"? YEAH. ME TOO.

The video is full of guys coming up to Fiona and kissing or almost-kissing or smelling her. At best, the feeling they evoke is sweetness, like when a child kisses their auntie on the cheek and everyone goes "awwwww!" Mostly, though, they just look like they are marking out the movement out in a rehearsal, saving all their sexual energy for an actual take that they never did.

The other couples have some level of chemistry between them, but does this not look more like a mouthwash commercial than the sexy, partner-swapping make out party that this is supposed to be? Once again, it just feels kind of awkward and sweet.

(Kudos, however, on the multi-ethnic, not-just-heterosexual party! More evidence that the 90s had better diversity than we do today.)

If this were a quirky/sad indie movie about a girl who is forced to attend her birthday and try to pretend everything is okay right after she found out that her uncle died trying to save her puppy, who also died, I would believe it.

And then, later on in that quirky/sad indie movie, the girl disassociates completely from the party and contemplates killing them all.

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