#AlternativeFacts: Jump on in!

I am pretty stoked about this whole #alternativefacts thing. We all now have a method, sanctioned by the US President himself, to morph reality into any shape we want!

What are we waiting for? Let's stop worrying about what is actually happening in the world - saying the world is how we want it to be is obviously much much better.

(Don't know what I'm talking about with this alternative facts thing? Here you go. HINT: It's about Donald Trump.)

A photo posted by Tim O'Brien (@obrienillustration) on


As far as I can tell, all it takes is a willingness to state your heart's desires as facts and then defend them without acknowledging any actual arguments against you. That's it. You don't even have to provide a logical defence. Just say things like, "well, that's your opinion", "that's fake", "you have no sources to back you up" (note: it's very important that it doesn't matter how many sources they actually have), or a simple, "WRONG."

Then BLAMMO! The world is yours!

I mean, we're practically there with all the super-filtered photos and "insta"gram shots that took 30 minutes to stage, anyways. #Alternativefacts are a dump truck that just happens to be driving by the building at the same time as we fall off the roof because we were trying to take a selfie where it looked like we were flying.

Don't worry, it will carry us away and there will be no injuries, because in #alternativefact-land, there are no repercussions!

SOME TIPS:

Grab photos from anywhere. Absolutely anywhere. Use them to make it look like you're on a sweet vacation or dating a rock star. Who cares if they show up on the first page of Google Image searches and are obviously not yours? Not you! Google was hacked by Russia.

Start small to practice your #alternativefact skills. How was your morning today? Great! You woke up, with no need for an alarm, feeling perfectly rested and spent a bit of time in grateful contemplation of the gift of life before getting up for some yoga and then quickly paint a picture of the mountains out your window, because they are just so inspiring in the morning light. Then you took a quick call from Steven Spielberg and turned down replacing Tom Cruise in the Matrix reboot because you're focusing on your relationship with your model/scholar partner right now. See how quickly that ballooned to insane proportions of wrongness?

Once your comfortable embellishing your everyday life, go big. Win a Nobel Prize, invent post-it notes, direct a movie, have a net worth of 50 trillion dollars. The bank doesn't know what it's talking about, if you feel like 50 trillion dollars, you ARE 50 trillion dollars.

Don't stop with just yourself! The world is your oyster! Maybe the world IS an oyster? No, that would be cramped and smelly. But maybe the nation of Peru sprouted wings and flew into space. Maybe unicorns are stampeding through Calgary. Maybe Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds is coming true. Maybe global warming is reversing. Maybe women can just decide not to get pregnant. Maybe women are actually treated like equals and maybe racism finally disappears and colonialism is joyously dismantled by all and we live in perfect harmony and everyone has a kitten and clean drinking water.

Never, EVER let yourself see the contrast between your #alternativefacts world and reality. I just got reallllly bummed out because I dreamed too big while still letting my brain stay connected to the real world.

Sigh.

Image Source: xkcd



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