I know people write you open letters all the time. I read once that the majority of status updates on Facebook have the word "facebook" in them, which means that people are talking about you. Probably saying things like "Dear Facebook: I am scared of change and am angry that you changed the layout" or "Hey Facebook: Stop abusing my personal information! I am threatening to quit you but probably actually won't but will tag all my friends in this so they have to see it!"
My letter is slightly different. First of all, it's not on Facebook itself because, well, I felt a little silly writing a note to you on there for some reason, and feel much less silly about writing an entire blog post about it. It's like the best use of social media ever - using one form to comment on another form. And also totally original, because that is what blogs are for. Pure originality.
Okay, I will now get to the point. That point is that you have all these annoying ads lately telling me that my other friends used the Friend Finder and I should too. It's like you are telling me that my friends are not enough. I need more. You are saying "LOOK! Your cousin and friend's sister have found more people to add to their online collection of 'friends' - you are so much less of a person if you don't do it too! Don't you want every single person you've ever emailed to be permanently connected to you through the internets?" At first I resisted. I said, "No Facebook, I am okay with the number of friends I have. They are, for the most part, people I am actually friends with. That is all I need."
But then you kept on posting the ads. With different people as examples of those who have used it. I am skeptical as to whether they actually did, but you are not known for your honesty, oh Facebook, so I am not going to nitpick this particular detail. The fact of the matter is that the ads continued and I am the kind of person who notices things even if I try not to, so I couldn't help but stare at them every time I logged in. Which was not all the time.
Thus, in a tragic turn, I caved. Yes, Facebook, you won. I was tired of seeing the ads and was growing curious as to whether or not there was someone who I have emailed over the course of my life who I would wish to permanently cement friendship with through your useful social networking tool. In short, I succumbed. At the very least, I figured, the ad would go away and maybe I would reconnect with someone I actually want to talk to again.
So I let you into my email account, let you see everyone I'd ever emailed, and browsed the list of people I could add as "friends". Now I was faced with the usual dilemma where I used to be good friends with someone a long long long time ago and do I really want to add them just as some record of our former friendship? Am I that person? What does it even mean to be that person? Is it actually a good thing? Finally, I selected a few people I was happy to regain some form of contact with and people who I considered to be useful contacts to have another connection point with. I added new friends through the Friend Finder. It felt dirty to do exactly what you had asked of me, Facebook, since you had been a bit of a bully about it. I felt weak.
Now I am not only weak, but I am annoyed because THE ADS HAVE NOT STOPPED!!!!! I DID WHAT YOU WANTED, FACEBOOK! I USED THE FREAKING FRIEND FINDER AND ADDED NEW PEOPLE!!! WILL YOU NOT GIVE IT UP ALREADY? I KNOW YOU HAVE THE CAPABILITIES TO TRACK THESE THINGS AND DO YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN PESTER ME CONSTANTLY AND POINT OUT THE FAKE FRIENDS I LACK??????
I mean seriously. Don't you have a life? I know I do. A life I am spending writing blog posts about YOU, Facebook, and it's all your fault.