|Photo by Mohammad Metri.|
Recently, I made a really fun discovery that I am still appreciating almost daily: I can now listen to music that used to spiral me into depression without spiralling into depression!!!
Seeing as music is such a pervasively emotional thing, I imagine I am not the only person in the world who has fallen victim to the feelings in a song. Sometimes it was on purpose because the music connected to all my deep, dark feelings and all I could do was lie on the floor in my bedroom listening to those CDs over and over again. (Obviously this was Sarah McLachlan and Tori Amos.) Other times I would suddenly realize that a particular song had grabbed my heart and thrown it into a deep pit, like with the song "Better Sons and Daughters" by Rilo Kiley, and have nothing left to do but stare at the dark, empty hole inside of me. (It's melodramatic, ridiculous, AND it's true. Depression is fun!)
Once I started to work on my depression, I had to more or less banish that music from my life. It was dangerous. It triggered all the depressed thoughts and beliefs that I was trying to change and I was kind of afraid of it, actually.
Then, a little while ago, I decided to try listening to some old Tori Amos.
I felt something, and it was a kind of sadness, but it wasn't overwhelming. It wasn't scary. It didn't pull me down. It was almost like a nostalgic or vicarious experience of sadness. Sort of like how I am told other people like horror movies because they experience a little bit of fear, but it's fun fear because they are actually safe (which is ridiculous because horror movies are ongoing omens of death, but that's for another time). It was sadness, but safe sadness.
Then I wondered, IS THIS HOW OTHER PEOPLE FELT THE WHOLE TIME????? (Serious question to people who have never experienced depression: have you always been able to listen to super depressing music without being pulled right over the edge into overwhelming emotional darkness???)
Either way, I am enjoying the fact that I can listen to this music again without getting completely bummed out. I would say it's fun, but it's very sad music so fun might not be the right word. It's... nice?
Now excuse me while I go hang with Tori.
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