Singalong! Who Do U Love by Deborah Cox

Yesterday was International Women's Day, so let's celebrate by singing along with Deborah Cox! The video is full of so much gal pal power, it's wonderful.

WHO DO U LOVE

by Deborah Cox

Last night I slept alone

I stayed at home

For the first time since you've been gone, babe

No friends to understand

To lend a helping hand

To ease the greatest pain I've ever known

How you walked away so easily

Still remains a mystery to me

Don't you remember that you promised me?

Yes, you promised me that

You'd never leave, boy

But you went away, babe

And it's such a shame

How could you turn your back on me?

If you really don't want me

If you really don't need me

If you really don't love me

Tell me who do you love?

If you really don't want me

If you really don't need me

If you really don't love me

Then who do you love?

I gave, gave everything

A man could ever need

I was there whenever you would call me baby

But somehow your feelings changed

You don't act the same

I guess you're not the man

That I once knew at all

How you walked away so easily

Still remains a mystery to me

Don't you remember that you promised me?

Yes, you promised me that you'd never leave, boy

Now the love is gone babe

Tell me what went wrong

How could you leave me hanging on?

Oh, baby

If you really don't want me

If you really don't need me

If you really don't love me

Tell me who do you love?

If you really don't want me

If you really don't need me

If you really don't love me

Then who do you love?

I once was blind

But baby, now I see

That I'm not the one

Who can fill your every need

I painted a picture so clear

It's reality

Now I know

Yes, I know

That you're not the one for me

Ooooh, baby

Oh, yeah

Who do you love, baby?

If you don't want me

If you don't need me

How could you walk away from me?

Baby, you promised you'd never leave

Slept alone since you've been gone

The greatest pain I've ever known

Oh, babe

Oh, babe

Oh ,yeah

The original caption for this photo was "Deborah Cox, Chilling in Miami." YEAH SHE IS.
Photo by TheBigBang57.

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Learning! Roundup: Just Go to Sleep, Home Fires, Gender Nonconforming Kids, and Ghosts!

Photo by Sam Roach.

Just Go to Sleep

There is so much research to back this up: the best thing you can do for your health is get enough sleep. How do you know you're getting enough sleep? Waking up without the need for an alarm AND without feeling like death. (I know, that's a tough standard to meet.)

Try Something New

Getting bored is just a thing that happens in couples who have been together a very long time. The cure? Do something that is new for both of you - together. Engaging in self-expanding activities re-ignites keeps those home fires burning!

Lady Fires

Speaking of keeping the home fires burning - thanks to sexism we tend to think that men are the ones who seek novelty in the bedroom first, but actually, research shows that women get bored in bed more quickly than men.

Treating Gender Nonconforming Kids

A Norwegian clinical psychologist has done one of the first studies looking at what it's actually like for clinicians to treat trans and gender nonconforming kids. Interestingly, it seems that the issues around pushing for a gender transition come more often from the adults and institutions in the kids' lives, not the kids themselves. It's almost as if the adults still need the kid to fit into one gender role or the other, whereas the kids are okay knowing they live somewhere in between.

Scientific Reasons for Ghosts

I'll admit it, I am afraid of ghosts. I have never had a true "encounter" myself, but that doesn't seem to matter: I am not convinced that ghosts are real, and I am simultaneously afraid of them. So I like to learn things like this: six scientific explanations for ghosts. When people experience supernatural encounters, it is remarkably likely one of these is going on. Truly scary is the fact that some hallucinations are caused by carbon monoxide poisoning, which might turn you into a ghost.

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Make Different Choices

Photo by Dave Clubb.

On Tuesday, I wrote about making more productive choices - what about just making different choices? You know, like changing your mind?

A friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day about how her daughter wanted them to go skiing together. She replied explaining to her daughter that she was too busy, listing all the things she needed to get done. Then her daughter simply said, "Mom, you could just change your mind."

The result? They went skiing and had a wonderful evening together.

The parents in the room might read this as a child who is really good at getting their way, which is very much what happened, but it's not all that happened. It's also a brilliant reminder: we can always change our minds.

I have been realizing more and more lately that almost all of the times I feel obligated to do a thing, it's really just a choice I made, and I could change my mind.

(I usually don't, of course, but it's nice to know that I could.)

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Inspiration! Roundup: Nunzio Paci, Leaving Room for Flowers, The Finest of Grooves, and More!

This Week's "I want to go to there": hiding is always an option.
Photo by Carlos Arthur M.R.

Creepy Beautiful

Nunzio Paci's dark surrealism, with flowers sprouting out of peeled-back animals, is rather entrancing, don't you think?

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Nunzio Paci (@nunziopaci) on Dec 17, 2018 at 10:50am PST

Leave Room for Flowers

I love this post on Kottke about the idea of leaving room among practical things for some beauty. The example he gives is a vegetable garden that also has some beautiful flowers in it.

It makes me think of sparking joy with Marie Kondo, too. It's reimagining your everyday things and spaces so that they aren't just functional, but beautiful.

The Finest of Grooves

I am so IN for this girl's groove.


Global Guides

Penn Museum has hired Middle Eastern refugees to act as guides to their Middle Eastern art and culture exhibit. They tell personal stories related to the items, creating a real connection to the lives that they came from.

I don't think this undoes the weird, uncomfortable relationship Western museums often have with other cultures and histories, and I do think this is a super cool way to connect people to a culture that might seem distant.

Animal Yogis

I am tickled by Bruno Pontiroli's illustrations of animals doing yoga poses.

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A post shared by Bruno Pontiroli (@brunopontiroli) on May 13, 2018 at 2:33am PDT

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Making Better (or at least more productive) Choices

Photo by Brandon Lopez.

When I was in university, I had a habit of getting too busy to be human. (Any of my pals from the past, well, ten years, would know that this is a habit that didn't end with university.)

When finals rolled around, I had to study plus do a lot of other things, so taking "study breaks" wasn't really an option. Instead, I would just take breaks by studying something different. I would go from reviewing Brecht's theories to memorizing cognitive psychology terms to slogging through the earth and ocean sciences course I made the mistake of taking by correspondence.

Luckily, I was studying different-enough classes that each different subject felt like a totally different brain space. Each one was a break, because it was variation.

People thought I was bonkers for calling switching between cognitive psychology and Brecht a "break", but I got through finals and felt pretty good about life.

Well, now here is some vindication from Seth Godin!

His focus is a little different than my exam-survival mode was, though:

"One useful practice is to have forced choices that break up the work but that are also productive. Not fun, that would be a mistake, but productive."

The idea here is that big, creative, or daring work can be scary, and sometimes you want to avoid doing it. Normally, we avoid important and valuable work in terrible, unproductive ways that don't serve us or the work we want to do (you know, the whole reason social media is as successful). Seth suggests that instead, we switch back and forth between the big, scary task and something that still helps move the mechanics of our lives and work forward.

Seems pretty smart to me.

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Cute! Roundup: Feed the Bears, Alpacas, a Happy Cow, and More!

At the book launch I was given a few bouquets of flowers (so nice!) and the only way to keep them safe from Gertie (who eats everything that even looks like it might be a plant) was to put them out on the balcony. She was not pleased about the situation.

Also! Being out in the cold seems to have preserved those flowers - they are still looking quite sharp after over a week! So if you get flowers that you want to keep pretty, consider putting them on your balcony instead of inside your house.

OTHER CUTENESS:

OMG! I want to feed a bear sugared strawberries TOO! (Is it weird that my first thought was that she didn't take the hulls off, though?)

A bunch of alpacas get an unfamiliar visitor.

This is a happy cow.

When your little bro doesn't want to get his feet cold.

ALL THE KITTIES.

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Cute! Roundup: Dog Jumping on the Bed, Red Panda Greetings, Smooth Ducks, and More!

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Yes. Her name is Gertie and she is sitting in a box.

OTHER CUTENESS:

They taught their dog to jump on the bed.

Red panda greeting.

A couple of smooooooth ducks.

Horse and cat: a tale as old as time.

Freaking cool guy.

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Singalong! Thank You by Dido

Here's a thing I get way too much of a kick out of: music videos on YouTube where the aspect ratio is shrunk down to be almost square. It's just a practical thing of how it used to be, but it kind of makes me giggle every time!

THANK YOU

by Dido

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why

I got out of bed at all

The morning rain clouds up my window

And I can't see at all

And even if I could, it'd all be grey

But your picture on my wall

It reminds me that it's not so bad

It's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay

My head just feels in pain

I missed the bus and there'll be hell today

I'm late for work again

And even if I'm there, they'll all imply

That I might not last the day

And then you call me

And it's not so bad, it's not so bad

And I want to thank you

For giving me the best day of my life

Oh, just to be with you

Is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last

And I'm soaking through and through

Then you handed me a towel

And all I see is you

And even if my house falls down now

I wouldn't have a clue

Because you're near me

And I want to thank you

For giving me the best day of my life

Oh, just to be with you

Is having the best day of my life

And I want to thank you

For giving me the best day of my life

Oh, just to be with you

Is having the best day of my life

Giphy.
(Yes, it's the wrong song, but (un)surprisingly there are almost no gifs of Dido out there.)

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Learning! Roundup: Glacier Retreat, Talking to Drunk People, GMO Opinions, and More!

Photo by Fabrizio Conti.

Glacier Retreat

One of the many bad things that happens with global warming is the melting of glaciers that contribute to sea level rise. Well.... One of the bigger glaciers we've got, Thwaites, has a huge cavity inside that is almost as big as Manhattan. While its melting won't contribute much to sea level rise, because the cavity is underwater, it supports a number of other glaciers that, once melted, will bring sea levels up 2.44 metres.

Talking to Drunk People

When drunk people witness a crime, police often think it's best to wait until they sober up to ask them about what happened, but that is the wrong strategy. It turns out that their inebriated selves give better reports of what happened. Basically, everyone remembers what happened best if they are asked immediately.

GMO Opinions

People who are the most opposed to genetically modified foods think they know the most about them, but actually know the least.

Depression Prevention

We have some good treatments for depression, once a person has it, but so far haven't done much of anything to prevent depression from happening in the first place. Well, it turns out that cognitive behavioural therapy, the best treatment to date for depression, can be used preventatively! It even helps prevent about 50% of cases in those at high risk.

Kindness

Thinking kind thoughts about yourself and others in your life is not only good for your metaphorical heart, but your physical heart as well. It reduced heart rate and sweat response, two physical signs of safety that are good for health and resilience.

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Is it harder or easier to be kind?

Photo by Robert Baker.

A friend of mine is a counsellor who has a lovely instagram account where she posts regular tips and encouragement for mental health (it's @gottasecond, and you should check it out!)

A little while ago, she posted about kindness. She said, "it's actually very easy to be kind." (Sorry, I didn't save the post and I can't find it now, so no direct link.)

I wrote that down because I wanted to ponder it more.

On one hand, it can feel very hard to be kind. The negative points can feel so much more salient. So present. So real. So easy to focus on. It feels harder to pull your mind away from them and pay attention to the positive elements. To switch from condemnation to compassion.

Kindness can feel like so much labour. Selfishness often seems easier because, well, it's selfish.

But she is right, that it is also easy. Whether it's kindness to yourself or others, the hardest part is shifting your brain away from the terrible things. Once you start looking at the good and change your perspective to one of kindness, it's all there. Easy pickings.

One way to start to make the switch is to ask yourself, "What would an incredibly kind person say about this situation?"

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Inspiration! Roundup: Our Bodies Are the Coolest, Cookie Monster, and More!

This Week's "I want to go to there": blanket hugs.
Photo by Matthew Henry.

It's (An)atomic!

I love papercut art, and Andy Singleton's work is really fun. Here is a detail shot from his show Anatomic, featuring our circulatory system as art. (I am trying to think of a good variation on the "my kid could do that" joke, but in this case the joke is that your kid has the real circulatory system - and so do you! And I!)

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A post shared by andy singleton (@andysingleface) on Sep 26, 2018 at 12:14am PDT

Becoming

When was the last time you watched a single cell turn into a complete organism? It's a beautiful reminder of how much can come from so little, or perhaps about the power of a tiny thing, given the right circumstances. It's just beautiful.

Also, it's pretty wild to think that this very process is happening INSIDE people right now! (Except hopefully not turning into tadpoles.)

Ask Cookie Monster Anything

Cookie Monster did an AMA! An AMA is an Ask Me Anything, usually done on Reddit (although I think it's crossed to other platforms now) where experts, celebrities, and the like answer any question we throw at them.

Cookie Monster's AMA is sweet and whimsical, and I love it.

It's Life Size

In other body-related art, Shanelle Papp created a life-sized skeleton complete with removable organs.

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A post shared by Shanell Papp (@s.b.papp) on Feb 24, 2019 at 7:29pm PST

Musician Mental Health

I love this! A Toronto-based music label has announced that all musicians on its roster will have access to $1,500 to deal with mental health issues or concerns. More arts organizations need to find a way to do this.

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The Uncomfortable Reality of the Unsent Email

Photo by Adeolu Eletu.

Have you ever written and rewritten an email, finally realizing that there is no way to say what you want to say without sounding like a petty jerk?

Oh yeah, me neither, because I am never, ever petty or rude or selfish or inappropriate. Ever.

Ha! Just kidding... This is an experience I know well enough that when I read this piece at The Cut about writing "practice emails", it rang so, so true.

In writer Edith Zimmerman's case, the revelation came when she tried to describe the email exchange that wronged her to a friend in another email, and realized that perhaps she was the wrongdoer, not the receiver of wrong.

For me, it happens more often as I try to craft my argument. I go back, thinking, "Oh no no, this is not quite right, they won't see the problem," until, after two or three attempts, I realize that the problem is not that I can't craft the perfect email. It's that the facts are not on my side. That I am, indeed, a petty jerk. At least at this particular, hypothetical moment.

What a gift written communication has given us that we can go through the motions of making an argument before we actually make it to another human person.

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Feeling Better: Post-Launch Party Thoughts and Feelings

Photo by Kimberley Dawn.

Last week was a pretty significant time in my life. I had the BOOK LAUNCH PARTY for Feeling Better: A Field Guide to Liking Yourself! SAY WHA?????

The day was full of so many feelings, it's hard to wrap it up with one coherent thought, so here is a collection of thoughts instead:

Leading up to the party, I was feeling so keyed-up with energy and nerves that it was a pretty unpleasant sensation. I actually didn't know how to answer people when they would ask me how excited I was, because it wasn't what I normally feel in terms of excitement. It was the most nervous I have ever felt before an event. I really have no chill when it comes to this book.

Lucky me, I wound up meeting up with one friend early and she led me in a little body relaxation exercise that helped a lot!

Once I got there and people started showing up, it all washed into pure excitement! It was HAPPENING!

Confession: I have never been to a book launch party, so I don't know how they "normally" go. I really meant to go to a bunch in the fall while I was planning this one so that I would have a better idea of what it "should" be, but was never able to make it. I get the impression that I may have overdone it with other performances, but that's okay!

TMI confession: lately I have been transitioning back to all-natural deodorant. However, as I was preparing to leave the house I realized that, what with all the nerves I was experiencing, my sweat was going to be stinkier than usual. I used some conventional lemon-scented stuff to make sure I didn't stink out the place.

I wasn't sure about doing a book signing at first - it felt too fancy! But everyone was asking for it, and so I said FINE! It turned out to be a WONDERFUL idea, if for no other reason than that I got to interact with people on an individual level! It was so lovely to have a few moments to hug and chat with the people who came.

Somehow, I managed to not actually cry even once. I almost cried a couple of times while I was thanking people, because I accidentally looked at them in the crowd and THAT was way too real. This is a big deal, I cry a lot.

Ultimately, I left feeling (and still feel) so overwhelmingly grateful! I am not going to start trying to list people here, because it's everyone! Everyone who gave their time and energy to helping this book exist in the world, everyone who bought it and read it, everyone who gave me a virtual high five on facebook, everyone who showed up with their body at the launch, EVERYONE!

Ugh! SO GRATEFUL!

I will leave you on this pic of me having a thought (or is it a feeling?):

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