Love Actually: I Fixed It!

I loooooove the movie Love Actually, but as I get older it becomes more and more of a garbage movie with hugely problematic storylines. So here is my humble attempt to fix it:

Image Source: Giphy

Juliet + Peter + Mark

This is by far the dumbest storyline. Here is what should have happened: long before Mark and Juliet got engaged, Peter should have said, "Hey man, I know you're dating her and I don't want to make things weird, but I feel like I have feelings for her too, and  I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to step on your toes or be entitled, but I also don't want to spend my whole life brooding over her and I am having trouble letting it go."

Then, if this was real life, they would have an awkward talk about their feelings and probably Peter would move on with his life and Mark would keep dating Juliet. Cool. But this is a romantic comedy so they would be all, "we'll just both go on dates with her and let her decide!" and then make a bet of some kind to "make it more interesting."

In the bet, Mark would do some over-the-top romantic gesture and Peter would be all madly seductive and she would find out about the bet and be like, "Eff that noise, you two are WEIRD!" and break up with both of them. Then they realize they really love each other.

Image Source: Giphy

Jamie + Aurelia

This one is an easy fix! While Jamie is working on his book and Aurelia is there waiting on him, they actually get to know each other. At first, it's awkward, because they don't speak the same language, and so they each secretly spend time at night learning each others' languages. (They could do a cute back-to-back shot where they are both leaning against the same wall in different rooms listening to language tapes! Adorable!)

Then he starts neglecting his book to chat with her and she teaches him how to cook some meal that is important to her family. That way, by the time she strips off her clothes to jump into the lake and rescue the crappy book he has been pretending to write, he already knows her, and he realizes that he loves her, not because she's so hot but because he just plain loves her.

He can still have the dramatic run out on his family/propose to her in front of her family moment if he wants.

Image Source: Giphy

Billy + Joe

This one is just kind of cute. It can stay, just take out the whole "but you know I'm not gay, right?" thing at the end.

Image Source: Giphy

Colin + The Americans

In this version, Colin goes to America. He does meet a bunch of gorgeous friends who are so poor they sleep naked all in one bed together and gets shot down. He finds a hostel, sleeps there, and eats a sad Christmas dinner all alone. Then he goes home, starts see a counsellor to deal with his commitment issues, objectification of women, and the fact that he doesn't take responsibility for his own life. He becomes a better person and realizes he is bisexual.

Image Source: Giphy

Karen + Harry + Mia

I want to destroy this storyline because NO ONE MAKES EMMA THOMPSON CRY LIKE THAT IT'S NOT ALLOWED! But it is also one of the most honest stories in the movie and I think any multiple storyline movie about love MUST have devastating heartbreak included.

Honestly, I can't decide if I want her to dump Alan Rickman's mean and gross butt at the end of it, or if I prefer a "he makes real amends and they work on their relationship and make it better and stronger" storyline. The first would feel more victorious in the movie. The second makes me feel better about real life where relationships might have betrayals but also can recover and grow deeper.

(Also, Rowan Atkinson's bit is divine.)

Image Source: Giphy

Daniel + Sam + Joanna + Carol

This one stays mostly intact, because it's glorious, with one tweak at the end: after Liam Neeson meets Claudia Schiffer, he runs into a nice woman he knew in college. They chat a bit, hit it off, and it turns out they not only like each other, but are age-appropriate and not fulfilling lame stereotypes. They have a nice, slow-paced relationships, respecting his emotional boundaries as he is also still recovering from his wife's death.

Image Source: Giphy

Sarah + Karl + Michael

In this story, KARL ISN'T A TWIT who gives up on a person because she is unavailable for ONE NIGHT because she is taking care of her BROTHER! I mean, come on!!!

Except that this is better: Sarah realizes that Karl is a TWIT when he gives up on her after that one incident, and then she meets a very lovely man in the home where her brother lives. He is also visiting. This man is beautiful of face and of soul, asks her on a date, and they start arranging their visits at the same time to see each other.

Not only do they share love and values, but their loved ones in the home get to know each other and feel less isolated in that sad little home. He sees her collection of stuffed animals and still likes her, even though he does ask her to get rid of most of them when he moves in, because they are super childish. She is okay with it, and her heart is warm and happy.

Image Source: Giphy

The Prime Minister + Natalie

Take out every single reference to her being fat, because she's not even a little bit and who cares anyway? Instead of the American President hitting on her and then Hugh Grant (what is the PM's name?) getting so upset he fires her and unexpectedly yells at the Prez on TV, let's say she has to suddenly leave because of a family emergency. Or, to make things extra awkward romantically, she finds out that her ex who she lived with for five years has cancer and they share a dog and are friends and she has to go deal with that. She still sends him the card to be like, "Hey, I left and that's weird, but actually I think you're smoking hot and a good person. XOXO"

Then, even though he would actually just get his assistant lady to look up her address, he is more than welcome to do the door to door thing, because I like the idea of the Prime Minister carolling. They definitely still kiss behind the kids' concert.

Image Source: Pretty 52.

John + Judy

No changes. It's perfect.

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