I actually felt sorry for other people who believed in Santa, mostly because I was a little snotty know-it-all, but also because I knew they were deluding themselves. A babysitter once tried to convince me Santa was real, and I just thought that it was so sad that someone that old still believed in Santa. Hadn't she learned the truth yet?
And so, I offer, the top three reasons why Santa is effed up.
I learned in youth group that if you re-arrange the letters in his name it spells "Satan" which is obviously not a coincidence because the English language is supreme and rife with secret meanings. The question is, does this mean that Santa is satanic or that Satan is santa-riffic?
He is CREEPY. I am not the first to make this observation, nor will I be the last, but anyone who sneaks into peoples' houses at night, leaves presents and takes milk and cookies has issues. First of all, some of these people are loaded and have way better things to take than milk and cookies, so where are your priorities, man? Second, that's way too many milk and cookies in one night and probably indicates some kind of emotion-based eating disorder. Third, watching children, making lists of their names, checking it twice, rewarding good behaviour and punishing bad? Sounds like a pedophilic, OCD, megalomaniac if you ask me. What a great person to introduce my hypothetical children to.
He clearly has the power to manipulate time and space in order to travel the globe and deliver presents in one night to the children in countries that believe in him. This is an awesome ability, a rare power, and as I learned from Peter Parker's grandpa, with great power comes great responsibility. So couldn't he use this power for good on the 364 days of the year he is not working? I mean, seriously. It's pretty much the most powerful super power anyone could ever have, and he uses it to deliver PRESENTS? I shake my head.
For the record, if I ever produce or procure children, I will follow in my dear parents' footsteps and raise them to be honest citizens of the world who know that Satan sometimes disguises himself as a gift-giver, that breaking into peoples' homes is reserved for instances of necessary larceny or crime-solving, and that if they ever gain the power to manipulate time and space, dag-nab-it, they will find a more productive way to use that skill! Maybe like Hermione with her time-turner, they will use it to take a few extra classes in high school and eventually save an ostrich/dragon-type animal from being slaughtered.