Best Holiday Invitation Ever

This is jacked directly from Margaret and Helen, a blog where two elderly women who have been friends since childhood converse.  My understanding is that the blog was set up by one of the women's sons so that they could write each other more easily and keep in touch.  Luckily, they are opinionated and awesome.  They also appear to have gotten more into the spirit of blogging and not just using the blog as a means to write each other letters.  Here is Helen's letter to her family, inviting them all to fake Thanksgiving (oops, I mean American Thanksgiving - just a little joke kids!)  I love my family dearly, but dang!  Can she be my bonus Grandma?

Dear Family,

In a year when we almost lost your Grandpa Harold, I would expect each and every one of you to make the effort to be here this year. If only for a few minutes. I’ll make an exception for anyone who lives more than three hours away. Now that is what I expect, but clearly not what I will get. So be warned. At Christmas time what you expect to find under the tree is clearly not what you will get. I love you. Really I do. I don’t expect you to visit often, but I do expect the holidays. And I don’t think that is too much to expect.

For those of you who are coming – from this point forward known as my favorite family members – here are the house rules. Your following them will make for an unforgettable meal filled with laughter and bacon.

  1. If it jiggles, slap a girdle on it or leave it at home. I am not kidding Cloe. One step inside my door with anything made from Jello and it will be your last step. I have about 50 pounds on you so don’t test me.
  2. Rhonda. My house. Your pets. Never the twain shall meet.
  3. Mary. My sofa. Your kid’s feet. Never the twain shall meet.
  4. I have banned cans of soda. Two liter bottles of soda only. I am tired of throwing away half full cans of soda. If you are two young to lift a 2 liter bottle of soda to fill a glass, you are too young to be drinking soda un-supervised.
  5. At age 84 and 11 months, I have had my picture taken more than enough times to fill any memory photo album. The digital era has made it too easy to take way too many useless pictures. Point one camera in my direction this year and I can promise you that your camera will be used to stuff something other than the turkey. When I am gone, feel free to remember me with pictures from my best year – 1962.
  6. Texting and driving is just plain stupid. Texting and eating Thanksgiving dinner, however, is a crime punishable by no dessert.
  7. Vegetarians really should consider Thanksgiving as a holiday from vegetarianism.
  8. Any grandchild showing up dressed like a Palin girl, will leave the house dressed like a Philpot girl. I don’t need to see all that and neither does the rest of the family.
  9. The Longhorns are having a difficult year. Your grandfather is aware of that. No need to remind him. Trust me on this one.
  10. My Democrats are having a difficult year. I am aware of that. Feel free to remind me and I will, in turn, remind you of what I think of the current Republican Party. Trust me on this one.
  11. Sarah Palin having a new book is proof positive that there is something wrong with the world. I can’t fix that, but I promise that my stuffing made with bacon will make you not give a damn. So if any of you get the urge to talk about that woman, stuff your mouth full of food until the urge passes.

This year, I am thankful for my family and for borrowed time. Make the most of what life gives you. I mean it. Really.

No comments:

Post a Comment