For people who want to learn, grow, get inspired, and stay silly.
People Are Talking About Angry Mobs and Cancelling Again and I Think They're Blaming the Wrong Group
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| Giphy |
There's been another round of conversation in my industry about our divided society and "cancel culture" (a term that I have yet to see be used in a consist way) and, unsurprisingly, I am finding it frustrating as heck!
Annoying as it is, however, it has led me to another level of clarity on my view of the whole situation. Here is my latest interpretation:
Maybe it's not the people expressing their hurt and anger who are creating division, "cancelling", and ending conversation.
Maybe it's those in power who refuse to engage with those people that are creating the division, "cancelling", and refusing to start a conversation.
Reactively appeasing anger by burning it all down to save your own butt is not a quality I would seek in a leader, nor is stonewalling or ignoring criticism, even when it is delivered in a way that is hard to hear.
(This doesn't mean you don't sometimes fire someone, stop a book publication, cancel an event, or kick someone off your platform. It means that if you do, it's because you thought it through and aren't just putting a flaming bandaid on a dysfunctionally wounded situation because you're afraid to actually look at it or talk about it.)
So instead of focusing on controlling the "angry mob", maybe we could focus on what we expect of those who have taken leadership roles and whether we think those in power are doing their jobs.
GameStop and Scott Galloway and Bad Takes and (you guessed it) The Patriarchy
The GameStop thing. On Wednesday, I had a busy day and in the afternoon, when I peeked at Twitter, everyone was talking about it. I had never even HEARD of GameStop and before I read anything to understand it, I saw this tweet and already knew it was a bad take:
I, like my fave infectious disease researcher Laurel Bristow, think of the stock market as "astrology for bros" (note: being a bro is more of an ethos than a gender identity, so women can also be bros). Because of this I don't care about this GameStop thing beyond enjoying seeing some underdogs take down some smug capitalist overlords.
What I DO care about is prominent people who are seen as smart and authoritative explaining away "bad male behaviour" (is this bad male behaviour? Or just PEOPLE--men and women--playing the game the way their opponents do?) with lack of access to sex. Which always really means access to WOMEN, because even though he doesn't specify these are straight men, I've seen this narrative enough to know that he hasn't even considered that some men have sex with other men in this equation.
It's just... STOP IT.
Setting aside his ridiculous assumption that this is being driven solely by single men who have no "guardrails" on their lives, he is giving his fellow men ZERO credit or agency over their own lives.
AND YET!
Believe it or not, I know actual human men who (gasp!) will avoid getting into fights and throwing all their money away, even without a sexual partner to nag them into responsibility, because they actually VALUE themselves, their lives, and their communities. (BIGGER GASP!)
A bored/angry young man is only "the most dangerous person in the world" if his social system has completely neglected his emotional and relational health (note: not sex, but relationships, you know those things where people care about each other? Even without orgasms?) while telling him certain things (sex, money) can replace feelings and meaningful community.
If a man in this situation feels he has nothing and ALSO believes he is entitled to things and ALSO believes that the things he is entitled to are being withheld from him, then yeah. He's dangerous AF. Guess what might tell him all that? Sing it with me: toxic patriarchal masculinityyyyyyyyyy. Guess what system we need to change to help set this sad and angry man free? Let's sing again: the patriarchyyyyyy!
Oh! And the gall. THE GALL! Of his "(enough)" caveat. It's not even that they need to get sex, but they need to get ENOUGH sex. So shame on you if you don't give your man whatever he deems to be ENOUGH sex because he must meet a certain threshold of sexual encounters to activate the guardrails around his desire to burn down his own life!!!
If Scott Galloway is right, then guess what? So are the women who say "all men are trash." Because this is a MAN telling us with his own little twitter-typing fingers that if men don't get enough sex they'll very reasonably turn into godzilla and smash everything good in their lives. Which is trash.
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| Giphy |
Mars Attacks! Is STILL Pure Delight
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| Giphy |
I have always maintained that the movie Mars Attacks! was delightful genius encapsulated on film and that it never got its due. Last night, I rewatched it (because I still have my old DVDs, y'all!) and I stand by my previous assessment.
First of all, if a bop was a term for a group of actors, this cast would be a bop. Annette Benning! Jim Brown! Martin Short! Jack Nicholson! SJP! All the rest of them!
Second, the writers clearly embraced their weird and did not miss a SINGLE opportunity for a joke. The whole thing is a series of absurdly hilarious punchlines. And the DETAIL! Each character's little world is so precise and yes, they are archetypes but they are parodied so perfectly it's irresistible. (The president and his wife eat their meals off TV TRAYS, for pete's sake!!! The fact that people STILL gather to watch the martians visit congress even after they got shot up in the desert!!!)
Third, while a movie made out of a card game is clearly just an excuse to bring a bunch of martians to earth and shoot stuff, they actually strung together a ludicrous-yet-semi-plausible storyline that has emotional weight and reality for each of the characters!
Fourth, there are little touches that I think are meant to really drive home the skewering of certain systemic issues in society. FOR EXAMPLE, when the martian goes to congress, it is made up of almost entirely actual old white men, most wearing grey suits. I saw one woman, and one dude who was a bit younger. THAT'S COMMENTARY, PEOPLE. (Although I will be the first to admit that the cast should have been more diverse as a whole and the first person the martians kill is a Black man which his NOT a trope we need to parody through replication.)
IT'S GENIUS. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T LOVE IT.
Tragically, it's only available to rent, not stream, and I'm not loaning out my DVD (that's how I lost I Heart Huckabees, thankyouverymuch), but it is WORTH the $4.99 rental fee.
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| Giphy |
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| Giphy |
Look! I'm On the News!
Hey friends! My tweet was on the news!
I would really like to see stronger restrictions without wiggle room for interpretation. Whether that's closing indoor dining/bars, closing non-essential businesses, more actively monitoring travel, etc. Don't make us judge and decide, that's exhausting. Be strict.
— Andrea Loewen (@ms_andreajoy) January 28, 2021
So if you're wondering my take on local COVID restrictions, this is it. I'm tired (as is everyone I know) of trying to interpret every decision I make, especially under a vague order to "do more." What's more when I'm already following all the rules???
Anyways, if you want autographs, well, don't line up or come in person or do anything because it's a pandemic.
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| Giphy |
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Have I Reached Peak Self-Care?
Here's a question:
Let's say you have a daily recurring reminder to do a self-care thing, like meditate. And let's say you're just not actually doing the thing, and seeing the reminder there every day is just making you feel kind of bad.
Is deleting said reminder PEAK SELF-CARE? Or is it just giving up?
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| TikTok |
Hope Hall's Guide to Being Overwhelmed
“When I feel overwhelmed or stressed or lose my center, I draw on one or all of these things:
Be kind & be useful.
Slow way, way down.
Let the world speak to you.
Rest your mind on your breath.
I am only as good as the company I keep.
How can I best support my own vulnerability?
Compassion is the highest form of critical thinking.
My life—which includes my work—is only as good as I feel.
Try to put how you want to feel ahead of what you want to be or even do.
This is what I’m doing, this thing, right now; drop the words, stick with the feeling.
Be ready for opportunities & openings as they come along; change is the only constant.
Go toward the good—the good people, the good moments—& let the rest of the static, noise & drama fall away.
While we’re breathing—which is miraculous, and won’t be happening some day—all we’re doing is learning and growing. That’s all, learning and growing.
Follow your interests, wherever they lead will be somewhere that lights up your eyes, or floats your cork; notice when you get excited &/or confused by things, write down these moments & let them guide you.”
– Hope Hall
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You'll Never Guess This GENIUS Way Your Dark Inner Voices Are Sabotaging Your Every Move
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| Lisa Vertudaches |
Y'all! Despite having written a whole book about learning to like yourself and not undermine your own every move with self-hatred, I have recently discovered YET ANOTHER WAY those dark voices in my head are tripping me up.
Generally, I have gotten pretty good at ignoring, setting aside, or countering those voices (as per the techniques in my book). But! They are sneaky! They change tactics! They change focus! They do not go quiet into that good night! (Not because they are mean, necessarily, but because they are very misguidedly trying to protect us from hurt.)
I have realized one really place those voices have been really effective for a while is in undermining my follow up. Whether it's at work, with friends, or even here on this blog, in the space between me saying I'll do something and the time when I should actually do it, those little voices come in and do their darndest to convince me that nobody really cares, that I am not needed, or that hearing from me again will just be annoying.
An example: a friend reaches out to me to let me know something I did that hurt them--a generous and vulnerable act of love on their part. I respond in the moment to apologize and try to begin to make things right, but there is need for a follow-up conversation. I should be the one to initiate that, to show that I care and am taking this seriously but it gets dangerously delayed or even dropped.
Why? Because of those dang voices: "They don't really want to hear from you, don't bug them," "You already annoyed them once, don't want to be a pest," "They don't really care about you that much," "This is the perfect opportunity for them to ditch your friendship," "Just forget about it, they have basically forgotten you already."
On the plus side, thanks to all the previous work I've done, I am now fully able to talk back to these voices. I can say no, actually my friend wouldn't have reached out in the first place if they didn't care. People don't put in extra emotional work to repair relationships that don't matter to them, and if anything, this is a sign of how much I mean to them.
On the negative side, by the time my mental tug of war finished, enough time had passed that I have now left my friend feeling high and dry and now there is something new to apologize for. (We all know how terrible it feels to share something vulnerable with someone we love and feel like they aren't taking it seriously.)
I have to say kudos to the strategy at play here. If YOU were in charge of protecting someone from future hurt by making sure they never got too close to anyone or had too big of expectations for their life, undermining their ability build any form of trust by interfering with their follow-up is pure genius. Mwa! Chef's kiss!
But now I'm onto them. Look out, dark voices! Because over the coming months or years I will slowly start to get better at noticing and pushing back against my own brain when this happens, an act that always feels like trying to swim through a pool full of wet cement.
Can't wait to encounter your next move, dark voice strategist.
PS: How was my click-bait headline???
On High School and Futility
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| E! Online |
My high school grad class has a Facebook group. I left this group years ago, because, well, do I need a reason to leave a Facebook group for my high school grad class?
HOWEVER, recently, some friends from those days who I do keep in touch with mentioned that there was a thread on the group where everyone was posting life updates and that it was a fun opportunity to spy on everyone's lives.
I figured what the heck, if social media is good for anything, it's spying on other people's lives. I LOVE spying on other people's lives! I rejoined.
Well.
These 126 life updates were EXACTLY the same: marriage status (married or divorced), number of children, and what city they live in. THAT'S IT. The big variation was some people adding in what kind of work they do.
A "fun opportunity to spy", indeed! Everyone (with two exceptions) has the exact same life!
I GET IT. Our relationships and family status are very significant parts of our lives, especially if you're in the thick of raising three kids. But the fact that none of them seemed to think ANYTHING else about their lives was interesting or worth sharing??? AT ALL??? I'm sure at least some of these people have picked up fun new hobbies or had some big accomplishments in the last 18 years!
Ugh.
I wasn't going to even engage with it, but then I thought, you know what, I will. I'm going to post an update about my life and I'm not even going to mention relationships or kids because they are not the only things that matter in life. I posted a cute photo of me and my cat (obvi) and gave an update that included my work, an accomplishment, and a hobby. So well-rounded! That'll show 'em!
A few minutes later, a comment!
It was brief: "marriage family kids ?"
That's it. That's all the words and the exact punctuation.
I laaaaaaaauuuuuughed.
At myself for thinking that I was really making a bold statement about the value of life outside of marriage and children with one little Facebook comment.
At them for being the perfect example of the opposite.
At all of us, for existing in the world.
This Week's Gratitude & Delight Roundup
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| Ivo Adventures |
This week I have been grateful for
Getting my closet slightly more organized as I make plans to redo the whole thing because it gives me a sense of control.
Saying hello to my nephew over video chat and seeing his GIANT smile (like, huge, I don't know if his mouth is big or what, but it takes up half his face) because I love that kiddo.
Having friends who I can unpack complicated things with because I don't get stuck in my own brain and it feels like we're in it together.
Video chats with the kinds of friends who are so close and comfortable that it ALMOST feels like we're in the same room because I don't feel so alone.
Standing in the sunshine because it is fresh and bright and alive.
Being able to give someone something they requested because I got to help them AND clear some unused stuff out of my home.
Bending over, saying "oof" and then realizing my body didn't actually FEEL oofy! Because bodies not hurting is better.
Gertie making a point of curling up with me or reaching out as if she is trying to hug me because it feels like love.
A friend and a neighbour to get my bag back because they both went out of their way to help me.
This Week's Delight:
- My dad calling someone a dipstick
- A TikTok video about potatoes that made me laugh so so hard
- Putting Bernie into the Friendly Giant set.
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Do I Have a Weird Internal Process for Turning Calendar Pages?
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| Thoka Maer. |
I feel like my internal process when it comes to turning calendar pages is weird. Here's an example month of my process, assuming that it's a brand new calendar page on day one. Does anyone else do this?
1: Turn new calendar page, feel a small endorphin hit from the freshness of a new month and seeing a new picture. Want that hit again, but know it won't come for another month.
2:
3:
4: Wonder if it's time to change the calendar page. No, turns out it has only been a few days.
5: Okay, but NOW it's time to change the page? NO?
6:
7:
8:
9:
10:
11:
12:
13:
14:
15: It's been a while, time to change the calendar page now?
16:
17:
18:
19:
20:
21:
22: Ugh, a month is SO LONG.
23:
24:
25:
26:
27:
28: Just a few days!
29:
30:
31:
1: Completely forget about the passage of time or the existence of calendars.
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8: Oh yeah, the calendar! [flips page, process repeats.]
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Learning! Roundup: Researching Death, Happy Families, and Potty Mouths
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| New York Public Library |
I learned more about how longevity and fitness-based research is developed from this article than I did about the value of exercise (although I did learn that doing HIIT-style workouts is better for your longevity and overall quality of life by a pretty small margin, although that margin might mean a lot when you're dying). Apparently, scientists studying longevity like to use elderly participants because they are more likely to die which will make it easier to identify if, you know, the interventions are making a difference.
It's a bit morbid and a lot logical.
The Recipe for a Happy Family
Being happy with your partner and kids, if you go that route in life, may depend on psychological flexibility. This includes traits like being open to new experiences (good or bad), connecting to the present moment, and maintaining "deeper values" despite other stressors in life. Honestly, these seem like a recipe for increased satisfaction in life, in general.
(Also, I read the full list of traits of psychological flexibility in the article, and went, oh crap, I may not be psychologically flexible.)
Potty Mouths
Children are swearing more in quarantine. (Me too!)
This Octopus Could Be You
In case you needed to see this today, here's an octopus using a shield and smacking another octopus that gets too close.
Octopus 🐙 uses a shield 🛡 and slaps another Octopus 🐙 pic.twitter.com/W2f7RFet0k
— Domenico (@AvatarDomy) December 31, 2020
Maybe it's about personal boundaries. Maybe it's about American politics. Maybe it's about nature being its natural self. Choose your own adventure.
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