Prepare Ye!

Maybe it's just a result of the fact that I am directly descended from people who stood on a mountaintop awaiting the second coming of Christ and the end of the world, but I love this:



Months ago I saw a giant billboard that looked just like this one at Main and Broadway.  I thought that it was a poorly chosen advertisement for a new Christian radio station, equating the arrival of their station with the literal arrival of the Lord himself.

Turns out they had something far more urgent to tell me: the literal return of LORD himself will be happening on May 21st!  They have figured it out!!!  (And this time they're definitely right, not like those guys who told my great-great aunt-whoever to wait on a mountain in Russia.  I mean, they didn't have computers back then so there was no way to get the date of the apocalypse right.  Duh.)

Well shee-ite, May 21st!  That's less than two weeks away!  I've got to get my affairs in order, don't I?

This leads to the practical question of how exactly one prepares for the return of the Lord.  I mean, swindlers aside, what are logical steps for me to take?

I guess it depends which side of the wrath I expect to be on.  If I'm going to be stuck on the earth during an apocalypse, I should really be stockpiling goods and maybe some weaponry.  This is no time for pacifism!  A planet full of all the unsaved made suddenly and horrendously aware of their damnation will not be a pleasant place to live, so I should be ready to defend myself.

On the other hand, maybe I will be on the other side of the wrath: the rescued-in-a-beam-of-light side.  In that situation, I guess I could sell all my stuff to people who I think likely to be "left behind" but who I like and want to have a fighting chance in the brave new world.  Actually, the good thing to do would probably be to give my stuff away, since I won't have any use for money whilst riding a cloud and playing a harp.  (I'm assuming they don't charge you for the harps?)

Either way, I probably should just quit my job now.  Chances are the situation of funding for the arts will only get worse post-apocalypse.

Comments