There is one thing I have never understood about everyone else: this love affair with stupid, stupid autumn. I have to assume it is a coping mechanism for the deep emptiness of losing summer, otherwise why on earth would anyone consider it a good thing to lose early sunrises, late sunsets, air that is warm enough to preclude layers, and the general carefree attitude that accompanies summer?
So while everyone is all "sweaters!", "pumpkin spice lattes!", and that's it because apparently those two things are worth celebrating the symbolic (and actual) slow death of the world, I will let you now the cold, hard facts of what autumn is really like.
WET PANTS. This one only really applies if you live in the Pacific Northwest (and probably other parts of the world that rain a lot, if I wasn't so geo-centric in my thinking), but September means that it's raining all the time which means that your pants are just going to be wet. Even if you wear rain boots and a rain jacket, you still have a patch of leg that is exposed, and even if you stay technically dry, you're still just going to be damp. Moist, even. Yeah. Moist. Gross. (VERDICT: TERRIBLE.)
FRIZZY HAIR. This is also relates to the rain and gross damp moistness. Also, I hear from girls who wear make up that rain makes that harder, too. (VERDICT: TERRIBLE.)
DARK MORNINGS. Oh, great, now it's dark when I wake up and I suddenly get to ponder whether existence is even worth it at all instead of waking up with light streaming through my window and into my heart. (VERDICT: TERRIBLE.)
DARK EVENINGS. The darkness also slowly closes in on us at the end of the day. There is no good reason for this, except to remind us that everyone dies one day and so we might as well go home, not talk to anyone, drink something hot, and never leave our homes again. (VERDICT: TERRIBLE.)
COLOURFUL TREES. Okay, the colourful trees are nice to look at and provide something new for everyone to Instagram. But! They are only nice for those of us that can see the colours. Thanks for excluding the colourblind, nature. (VERDICT: LOVELY, FOR SOME PEOPLE.)
IT'S GETTING COLD. Yeah, sweaters. Great. Now instead of just putting on the clothes I want to wear and leaving the house, I have to think through how cold it is and how many layers I need and should there be a scarf involved? Gloves? Will it rain or does it just look like it will rain and then will I wind up wearing my rain boots all day like a chump? And then I get inside and it's warm inside and I'm wearing a sweater and I'm TOO WARM because the sweater was for the cold weather outside! Speaking of warm insides, everyone turns on the heat in autumn and that uses more energy and that's bad for the environment. Autumn is bad for the environment. (VERDICT: TERRIBLE.)
PUMPKIN SPICE. Suddenly everything is flavoured like pumpkin spice. I do not like pumpkin spice that much. It is not worth putting in everything. I just want a scone or a beer or an oreo or vodka or kale chips or chocolate without all the freaking cinnamon and nutmeg that we put into pumpkin to make it palatable! (VERDICT: VARIES BETWEEN TERRIBLE AND EYE-ROLL-INDUCING, DEPENDING ON UBIQUITY.)
EVERYTHING IS SLOWLY DYING. All autumn does is remind us that everything dies. We watch, helpless, as the world curls into itself, drying up like a husk (that then gets all gross and soggy in the rain - a soggy dried husk. Gross.), and dies. Autumn is the long, drawn-out death rattle of the world. (Winter being the cold body that we decorate with coloured lights to distract from the death, Weekend at Bernie's style.) (VERDICT: TERRIBLE.)
So basically, there are SIX terrible things about fall, ONE partially terrible/partially annoying thing, and only ONE lovely thing. And that thing isn't even lovely for everyone!
Go away, autumn. I know you've given everyone else Stockholm Syndrome and they think they love you, but they are wrong. I will be the lone speaker of truth into this sad world that thinks it is happy and ruin it for everyone!
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