Try This: Make an 'I Don't' List

Original Photo by Aneta Pawlik.

Do you feel a constant need to do everything? Like, everyyyyythiiinnngggg?

No pressure, but there are about five billion things you should be doing to Live Your Best Life and you also should be taking the time to reflect on all of them to become an elevated being.

Orrrrrr... you could just not.

Enter the 'I Don't' list, created by Australian blogger Mama Mia. It's a list of things you don't do, or worry about, so that you can have a nice, sane life that is actually fulfilling instead of scrambling around, trying to be (or at least appear) fulfilling.

I LOVE THIS. It sets you free. It means that when you see an article, ad, or social media post that reminds you of some aspect of Having it All you are missing, you can remind yourself, "Nope, I don't do that", and move on with your day.

My I Don't List:

I don't make particularly fancy or even "nice" meals.

I don't go out of my way to shop organic. (Mostly due to money, but still.)

I don't have a perfectly-curated home.

I don't really avoid screens.

I don't read the books that I'm "supposed" to in order to be a smart and interesting person and instead read things I think are fun. (I also don't force myself to finish a book if I'm not enjoying it.)

I don't engage in political arguments on the internet. (Most of the time.)

I don't really bother removing hair from my body.

I don't remember appointments or dates unless they're in my calendar.

I don't turn off the TV to do yoga.

I don't use fancy skin creams.

I don't read every article sent to me by a friend or that I "saved for later", nor do I read many articles in their entirety.

I don't count how many servings of vegetables I have every day.

I don't sit down every morning and plan my day.

I don't try to make every single idea I have into a concrete Thing.

Some of these things I wish I did. Some I intend to do. But ultimately, I don't do them--or barely do them. And maybe that's okay, given all the other things that fill my time.

I was originally going to write about how I think this concept needs to be embraced by everyone, not just women (the original article speaks directly to women). "Yes," my argument would have gone, "women are under particular pressure to Have it All and be our Best Selves, but everyone suffers under our hyper-pressured capitalism, attention economy, and Be Awesome culture, not just women."

Then my mind flashed through my past relationships as well as those of my friends. Partnerships where the woman is still carrying the weight of social planning, keeping track of birthdays, thinking about the quality of their communication, and generally doing all that emotional and household labour stuff.

So then I thought that maybe men don't need an I Don't list. They comfortably noped out of a lot of these peripheral responsibilities a long time ago.

Then I changed my mind again (isn't this rollercoaster fun?): men are still pressured to Be Awesome, just in different ways, and in ways that just so happen to push all that other stuff onto women's plates. So, if we are looking at your stereotypical male, perhaps he just needs a different kind of I Don't list, one that includes things like vying for leadership roles that suck their souls out through their wallet because they have to be breadwinners, hitting the gym, hiding their tears, or pretending they aren't interested in the Great British Bake Off.

If this Stereotypical Man were to let go of all that stuff, would he have more capacity to do things like keep track of the allergies his kids and their friends have? MAYBE!

(Obviously, I am speaking in wide generalizations that come from societal norms and a gender binary, not individuals.)

So, people of the internet, what expectations exhaust you? What do you feel society is pushing you to do that you wish would just chill out? What additional things are you "supposed" to do that get in the way of your ability to have things like rest and meaningful relationships?

What could you push from your To Do or I Should list to your I Don't list?

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Cute! Roundup: The Hamster Overslept, a Haunted Pup, Hedgehog Bath Time, and More!

Sometimes, Gertie is just regal af.

OTHER CUTENESS:

A hamster realizes it overslept.

Halloween is over, but this pup is haunted!

Hedgehog bath time!

Is this duck the HAPPIEST duck???

You... have been chosen.

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Singalong! Good Grief by Dessa

This song has been PRESSING on my heart and mind lately! I truly can't stop with it, it's the first time in ages that I've literally listened to a song on repeat.

GOOD GRIEF

by Dessa

They say there’s good grief

But how can you tell it from the bad?

Maybe it’s only in the fact

Good grief’s the one that’s in your past

I got snow in my pockets

Went down again head first

Laced drill bits to my pointe shoes

Pirouette through the hardwood to paydirt

Night falls, day breaks; time

Has a funny kind of violence and I’m

Tryna keep in mind

It can’t leave you the way it finds you

Good grief:

I’ve heard people say it

What a phrase, what a state to be in

But I don’t know where they go to get get

That feeling

Good grief

And my knees stay clean

Not much for praying

I do my own stunts and my own saving

But there’s something amiss

Something I been missing maybe maybe

They say there’s good grief

But how can you tell it from the bad?

Maybe it’s only in the fact

Good grief’s the one that’s in your past

They say there’s good grief

But how can you tell it from the bad?

Maybe it’s only in the fact

Good grief’s the one that’s in your past

This time my best wasn’t good enough

Well, fuck, usually it is

And the air got a little rough

Took out the fuselage, the engine, and both wings

But I’m willing to work for this

Just show me where to dig

And I’m ready to hurt for this

I know exactly what this is—

Good grief

I want that good grief

The one that heals me

That leaves me clarified by fire

When I’m burned clean

Tempered by light and heat

Ah, by the dead of morning

I’ll be better for it

And then fortified I’ll rise

Bust the hydrant, let it spray champagne

Wings are broken but I feel no pain

It’s real today, I know this feeling, let it rain

They say there’s good grief

But how can you tell it from the bad?

Maybe it’s only in the fact

Good grief’s the one that’s in your past

They say there’s good grief

But how can you tell it from the bad?

Maybe it’s only in the fact

Good grief’s the one that’s in your past

And secrets don’t like to be kept

All mine jumped over the fence

I guess I should be upset

But I’m in my nightgown on the lawn

Thinking, better that they’re gone

I’ve been afraid of this so long

It’s a relief when it goes wrong

'Cause I’m here now, and asking

Melt me down, recast me

Burn me clean

Like glass from sandy ground

'Cause I’m here now, and asking

Melt me down, recast me

Burn me clean

Like glass from sandy ground

They say there’s good grief

But how can you tell it from the bad?

Maybe it’s only in the fact

Good grief’s the one that’s in your past

Photo by Andy Witchger.

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Learning! Roundup: It's a Climate EMERGENCY Already, Working Memory Saves Relationships, and More!

Original Photo by Markus Spiske.

It's a Climate EMERGENCY Already

The science has been clear for a long time, but just in case, there is a new letter signed by 11,000 scientists from 153 countries warning of "untold human suffering" if we do not do something about climate change. It's just so... JUST DO SOMETHING ALREADY!!!

Working Memory Saves Relationships

As someone who has been in a relationship with someone who didn't seem to have a great memory for our past conversations, this research speaks to me: people with better working memories seem to do better at resolving conflict in a relationship.

Missing Olfactory Bulbs

There are women out there who have no olfactory bulb, the part of the brain that we thought was essential to a sense of smell, but they can still smell things just fine. It's not many people, but all of them are women. Huh!

The Dark Side of Gratitude

I love me some gratitude, but it turns out that it has a dark side: expressing thanks can reinforce unequal power structures. When disadvantaged people thank those who have power over them, they become less likely to confront their oppressors.

Adult ADHD

There has been a huge surge in diagnoses of adult ADHD lately, and a disproportionately large group of those receiving the diagnosis are white. The study was done in Northern California, and may be due to the fact that white people there are more likely to seek healthcare in the first place, cultural differences in how the symptoms manifest, or something else entirely.

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This Week in Church: Holding Alllllll the Tension Between the Stunningly Beautiful and Deeply Infuriating

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

This week in church, we had one part of a community conversation that is both stunningly beautiful and deeply infuriating.

It's an odd pair of feelings to hold in tension.

My church is going through a process of determining whether it will become LGBTQ+/SSA-affirming. (Explainer: for the church world, being affirming means that anyone in the church can be members, get married, and be in a position of leadership, no matter their sexuality or gender identity. SSA means same-sex attracted and is generally used by those who have a more traditional view of sexuality. People have chosen this label for themselves, so I include it.)

In my church, our culture has been one that felt inclusive, with welcome in the community never being in question (as welcome as anyone could feel, I suppose, once they know they aren't afforded an equal place at the table), so the fact that we have a rule excluding people from marriage and leadership (handed down from our denomination) was, I think, a genuine surprise to many.

This conflict between our culture and rules came to a head, and now here we are, having a series of conversations about whether or not we will leave our denomination and become affirming or stick around and stay traditional.

Hence the stunningly beautiful and infuriating process. I love what is happening and I am full of rage for it, all at the same time.

It's beautiful because:

1. The conversations being held are deep, meaningful, vulnerable, and (as far as I know) unprecedented. Usually, churches make decisions like this by a vote or in a back room and are afraid to hold space for this kind of tension.

2. It is being led by both straight and LGBTQ+/SSA people who all came in with open, compassionate hearts.

3. These kinds of conversations are proven to be exactly the thing to open up people's hearts and minds when it comes to the equality of others.

4. A strong community holds tension and disagreement and has room for many views at the table (within limits, which was also stated by one of the speakers).

It's infuriating because:

1. Why does this even have to happen in the first place?

2. I have a deep feeling that we are having a series of prolonged, beautiful, vulnerable conversations over the equality of human beings and that does not sit well.

3. One of the LGBTQ+/SSA members of the church said at the last meeting that her deepest fear was that her getting to be fully included would exclude someone else, and she would hate that, which is lovely and generous but also it seems like everyone is forgetting that there is a difference between a rule that excludes someone based on their identity and a person who excludes themselves because they can't abide by the inclusion of someone else.

4. The LGBTQ+/SSA members are being put in a position of needing to trot out their personal stories, identity, and pain in order to humanize themselves for the congregation. I am sure that those who are publicly sharing are doing it by choice and that this is exactly the kind of thing that changes people's hearts and minds, but it is also deeply unfair to them.

5. There is a difference between being in community with people you disagree with and that community having an official stance on equality that you disagree with.

6. There is a huge emotional weight and uncertainty being carried by the LGBTQ+/SSA members who are still attending church while this is happening, which suuuuucks because it means they are left with an additional burden the rest of us do not necessarily feel, for however long this takes.

Soooo.... as you can see, the infuriating part is a little longer and a little more ranty, as negatives tend to be. That doesn't take away from the realness of the beautiful parts, it just adds to the tension. Tension that I have decided I can carry for at least as long as the LGBTQ+/SSA members of the church are choosing to be around for it. If they are in, I am in with them.

I am so grateful that my church is willing to dive into the muck and have real conversations about the difficult aspects of its identity and that it is willing to give them the space and time needed, and also so angry that this is even necessary and so impatient about how long it is taking.

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Inspiration! Roundup: Ours, Sci-Fi Lights, Small Data, and More!

This Week's "I want to go to there": Not sure why I want to go to a lone cloud
in a pink sky, but... I do!
Photo by Pawel Nolbert.

Ours

colonized minds
hear
"ours"
and think
possession

decolonizing minds
here
"ours"
and feel
connection
-JosieVF (La Morena)

Sci-Fi Lights

Reuben Wu makes incredible sci-fi light art using drones, and I would DEFINITELY go out of my way to see it live.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Reuben Wu (@itsreuben) on Jul 9, 2019 at 5:13am PDT

Small Data

I love this illustration of a guy trying to sell his own personal data. I mean, why not make a profit off it?

Fancy Feast

This kitty is a fancy lil' one, with its La Croix. Love it, and the rest of Lstelo's art!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by lstelo (@lstelo) on Oct 10, 2019 at 7:11pm PDT

Writing Advice

“Advice? I don’t have advice. Stop aspiring and start writing. If you’re writing, you’re a writer. Write like you’re a goddamn death row inmate and the governor is out of the country and there’s no chance for a pardon. Write like you’re clinging to the edge of a cliff, white knuckles, on your last breath, and you’ve got just one last thing to say, like you’re a bird flying over us and you can see everything, and please, for God’s sake, tell us something that will save us from ourselves. Take a deep breath and tell us your deepest, darkest secret, so we can wipe our brow and know that we’re not alone. Write like you have a message from the king. Or don’t. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have to.”
-Alan Watts

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It's the End of the World as We Know It, and I Feel Fine

Photo by Alex.

Genuine question: is it bad that I am not particularly concerned about humanity possibly reaching its end with climate change?

I know the earth and many other systems will be fine without us, and the universe as a whole will continue to do its thing, and that whatever other intelligent life exists will continue to exist, and that maybe--just maybe--if we can't get it together to save ourselves, that's our bad?

Don't get me wrong: I am mad about it. I am mad because this will all happen because of a small minority of the super-wealthy and powerful who decided that super-wealth was more important than human existence and everyone else went along with it (just in case we ever became super-wealthy) and that lots of people will suffer because of this.

I will also contribute to helping fight climate change. Even if we don't necessarily deserve to keep on existing, I have to at least try to help change things so that the (currently-alive and future) younger generations don't have to suffer through the end days of social and ecological collapse.

In fact, if I could snap my fingers and change things, I wouldn't make climate change simply disappear. I would make humanity band together and make the necessary changes to save itself. I want that story to be a part of human history.

Sorry about this -- I guess it's Bummer Tuesday? I will try to be more positive next post! Actually, here is something: I just learned that the Giphy website homepage, which I always disregarded and just searched the gifs I wanted, is basically an entertainment news site! They make gif collections that match current pop culture events! Wild!

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Cute! Roundup: A Handful of Baby Otters, Cat and its Portrait, Cautious friendship, and More!

Gertie continues to be an inspiration for sleepers everywhere.

OTHER CUTENESS:

A handful of baby otters!

A cat perched on top of its own portrait.

Cautious friendship.

Check out the tail on this one!

Just the best version of playing catch ever.

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Singalong! From Dusk til Dawn by Ladyhawke

This is probably the least scary, most fun song about a haunted house ever, so it's perfect for me! Have a great post-Halloween party weekend.

DUSK TIL DAWN

by Ladyhawke

When you hide next to me

With your eyes up close to me

I hear footsteps in the dark

When you hijack my heart

Cool breeze down the hall

I can feel you breathe

Outside my door

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

When you sense you're not alone

And the darkness starts to moan

Who's there?

Shadows all around

But you don't make a sound

Voices in my head

Playing like an echo, echo

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Bang bang bang

On the wall

From dusk 'till dawn

Do do do do

Do do do do

Giphy

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Learning! Roundup: Graffiti Saves Lives, Hypocrisy Interventions, Happy Minimalism, and More!

Photo by Nad X.

Graffiti Saves Lives

Birds often die from flying into glass buildings and other structures, and now we've seen that the simple act of letting graffiti live on a bus shelter can save those lil' birdies' lives! Maybe we should also graffiti the sides of shiny office buildings?

Hypocrisy Interventions

A new study shows that we can actually stop people from blaming an entire group for one person's actions (like blaming all Muslims for terrorist acts performed by individuals) simply by showing them that people in their own group aren't blameless. It's called a hypocrisy intervention: show a white person an example of a fellow white person's terrorist act and ask them how personally responsible they feel for it, as well as how responsible they think all white people are. Then talk to them about the actions of another group.

Happy Minimalism

If you are trying to be more environmentally-friendly, you'll be happier if you funnel that desire into buying less than into buying green. This study may actually be saying that happiness is related to how materialistic you are (which can be measured by how much you buy), not how you enact your environmentalism, but heck, no matter the reason, it's always a good idea to reduce consumption!

Violence in Schools

A new CBC study shows that violence in schools is much worse than anyone thought, with 4 in 10 boys being physically assaulted in school and 1 in 5 being threatened with a weapon. Meanwhile, school boards have been refusing to release statistics or (likely) properly deal with things.

Go Forth and Fail

The science has proved it: failure is an essential prerequisite to success. Not, of course, that every failure points towards a success, but that every success has failure in its wake.

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What Does it Mean to Be a Peacemaker?

Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov.

"Peacemaking doesn't mean passivity. It is the act of interrupting injustice without mirroring injustice, the act of disarming evil without destroying the evildoer, the act of finding a third way that is neither fight nor flight, but the careful, arduous pursuit of reconciliation and justice. It is about a revolution of love that is big enough to set both the oppressed and the oppressors free."
-Shane Claiborne

The concept of peacemaking has always been a part of my life. I grew up Mennonite and the whole reason Mennonites exist is because we wanted to not fight--pacifism is one of the primary, originating tenets of the movement. Yet, beyond conversations about being a conscientious objector to war and vague directives to "go forth and be peacemakers in the world", I don't remember in-depth discussions on what pacifism really meant on the day-to-day or in the face of global injustice.

Then in grade seven, a friend of mine said that she thought pacifism sounded like a nice idea, but couldn't get behind it because it came from the same root as "passive" and thus ultimately meant that you don't do anything to protect yourself, including lock your door. I, a good little Mennonite pacifist, thought that was wrong, but had nothing really to counter it with because my pacifism had only been defined by the absence of violence.

But this? Oh, this is beautiful.

It's not even a little bit passive and it doesn't even bother toying with systems of violence. It reminds me that peace is more than just the absence of war. Peace is a state of wholeness, all on its own.

I just love it every time something comes up to remind me, whenever I am presented with an undesirable binary, to look for a third way, don't you?

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It's Spoooooky: Scary Stuff Roundup

Photo by Jan Jakob Nanista.

I've always wanted to create a haunted house for adults that is full of the real scary stuff from everyday life.

It would include:

The spine-chilling realization that the only way to get an education is to go into buckets of debt and then knowing you are incredibly unlikely to get a job on the other side!

Owning a home and hearing skittering in the walls. Is it a GHOST??? NO! WORSE! Mice. And YOU are the adult and YOU have to deal with them.

The harrowing moment when your landlord sends a notice saying they are bringing a realtor by to look at the place. The chill in your spine tells you... you are going to have to look for somewhere new to live and rents have DOUBLED since you last moved.

Giphy

Walking down the street, you suddenly realize that there is a smiling person approaching you. Do you know them from college? Then, it dawns on you and your blood runs cold: they are holding... a CLIPBOARD! You are not sure if they are human or robot, but you do know they are programmed to use social engineering to trap you in a conversation until you buy your freedom back with $20 a month. It's basically modern kidnapping.

Look in your fridge, if you dare -- that hummus. It's been sitting there for... a while. Is it... bad? Or maybe it's okay still? The texture of the surface has changed but is it... YOU CANNOT KNOW, but if you throw it out you are a bad and wasteful person and if you eat it your good deed may be punished!

Giphy

The knowledge that your body and mind will slowly... evvvvvvver so slowwwwwly... dry up, break down, and restrict your life until your loved ones (if you even HAVE any) have to fight a giant, bureaucratic health care system to make sure you are taken care of. It's like a zombie movie and a final boss, all in one except the final boss NEVER DIES. It just watches while you do.

Remember how you used to be able to run track, fall down, twist your knee, and not feel anything and now you stub your toe and feel it for days? IT'S HAPPENING!

Climate change.

Giphy

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Inspiration! Roundup: Kendall Jenner's Twin, A Pathetic Poem, the Full Tiananmen Square Man, and MOre!

This Week's "I want to go to there": Give me some of this baby's sweet vibes.
Photo by Edi Kurniawan.

Kendall Jenner's Twin

Artist Kirby Jenner photoshops himself into Kendall Jenner's photos and the result is brilliant. (Although he is obviously ripping off the idea and craftsmanship of my Me and Ryan Gosling series, I will forgive him!)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Kirby Jenner (@kirbyjenner) on Dec 24, 2017 at 9:52am PST

Poem

This poem (called "Poem") by Rod Padgett isn't the kind of thing I would normally call inspirational, but it made me laugh while also making me feel like my insecurities were being recognized, so that's nice.

I don't know
I may not be much
Be a mess
Personality no good
All surface no inner strength
Poetry not any good
This poem not any good
I might die an old man
Scribbler of trash
Forgotten paper-scratcher
But I'll tell you this
I really love to lay around on my ass
Totally watching television

Tiananmen Square Man

I just came across this zoomed-out version of the iconic photo of Tiananmen Square Man. It's incredible.

Broobs' Portraits

I am fully in for Instagram artist Broobs' portraits. I haven't looked through all of them, but it looks like he is highlighting queer (with a focus on trans) artists of colour, past and present. The collage-style work is very cool!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Broobs (@broobs.psd) on Jun 14, 2019 at 3:00pm PDT

Friends with Death

This video of the making of a sculpture of a skeleton is hypnotic to watch.

Argue Kindly

“Always remember that to argue, and win, is to break down the reality of the person you are arguing against. It is painful to lose your reality, so be kind, even if you are right.”
-Haruki Murakami

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