Because for some reason the debate is still raging on gay marriage, I decided to write my own little diatribe on the issue. While I know it won't be nearly as hilarious as a Jack Black Jesus, in true blogging style, it's just something I've got to say, regardless of whether it's been said a million times before.
Here's the deal: even in happy-slappy Canada where gay marriage is begrudgingly legal, people say that it destroys the sanctity of marriage and then leap into slippery-slope arguments that soon uncles will be marrying their 8 year old nephews into polygamist families*.
Downward-spiral-to-horrible-incestuous-polygamist-death aside, it seems that the crux of the issue is the sanctity of marriage. In case you didn't know, marriage is a holy, special, God-invented thing (I think he came up with it on the 4th day) that, until the recent advent of gay marriage has remained unchanging, steadfast, and true. A perfect picture off Mommy, Daddy, and their two kids that remain a happy family unit forever and continue the population of the planet.
Now the threat to this image is not gay people. Believe it or not, there is a group of people that violates this perfect image even more than gay people: celebrities.
Musicians! Actors! Directors! Singers! Models! TV Personalities Who Don't Actually Have Any Talent Except for Having Really Big Hair and Tiny Disproportionate Bodies! These people are destroying the sanctity of marriage and the family all over the place. Marriages! Divorces! Remarriages! Cheating! Marrying someone else again! Carting children from one family unit to the next! Unwed parenthood! Reality TV shows that document the whole thing! The longest lasting relationships most of these ladies have are not with their baby daddies, but with their baby nannies.
You may doubt what I'm saying, but the fact is that it's all documented in the mainstream press. The way I see it, there is nary a sanctimoniously married family in the bunch. Well, maybe one or two, but heck, do we really want to risk the precious institution of marriage on this lot for one or two good marriages? I mean, just because there's a few good seeds spattered around doesn't make the poo fertilizer. Besides, the ones that might qualify are probably Scientologists, so we know that their marriages aren't even real anyways.
So before we start freaking out about letting gay people marry, perhaps we should clean up the stinking cesspool that is heterosexual marriage, shouldn't we? First, as I've already pointed out, we'll outlaw celebrity marriage. Then, naturally, we have to tighten up and start following all those rules about marriage, so remarriage after divorce is forbidden. You married someone who turned out to be an abuser? Tough love, sister! Stay with him or stay single. Next we bring back stoning for women who cheat, and what the heck, it's the 21st century, let's stone the men too! Now, Jesus said that anyone who looked upon another person with lust in their heart had already committed adultery, so that means they're breaking their marriage contract and we have to stone them too. Or at least ban them from future marriage if they don't force themselves to stay with their unsatisfactory spouse. Okay, finally we round up all the people who de-sanctify marriage in other ways: using porn, open relationships, sodomy (which technically is any sex that's not missionary position), or refusing to have children all together, and make sure they either don't get married or get stoned. Oh, and it seems to fit within this definition that anyone who doesn't get married by a Christian pastor or priest probably is destroying the sanctity of marriage, since we seem to be basing this entirely on a misinterpretation of the Biblical notion of marriage and it didn't include other religions.
Now all that's left are straight Christians who are either actually happily married with one another and want to have children, or are simmering in regret and emptiness while insisting on fulfilling their marital duties. Marriage has remained sanctified! HOORAY!
*Okay, first of all, that ain't gonna happen because incest is one of the few universal taboos that provokes a disgust reaction in literally every culture. Secondly, we have lots of very strict legitimate laws protecting younguns from sexual exploitation and technically we did a reverse slippery slope on that one because it used to be considered a-okay to force children to marry adults. Third and finally, the only real reason to oppose polygamy is the ongoing victimization and oppression of women in this lifestyle (and, if you've seen the TLC reality show Sister Wives, you'll likely also be kind of skeezed out by the whole idea that the man is clearly just playing at being king of the castle with all these women who need him sooooo much).