Stuff Oprah Would Hate

1. Damp towels left on the floor.  I'm pretty sure every time she sees those she's all "EDMUUUUUND!!!", which is the name I imagine her boyfriend-who-she-never-marries-and-almost-never-talks-about-so-I-was-never-sure-as-a-child-if-he-was-her-butler-or-what has, because I can't remember it can't can't be bothered to look it up.

2. People who don't cry on her show.  Seriously, this one time I was watching and this guy was on who's wife had killed their three children and she kept describing it and trying to make him cry and he wouldn't and I think a blood vessel where her heart used to be popped with the effort.

3. Unfulfilled potential.  She'd totes see it in you, and just hug it out and then all your potential would suddenly fulfill itself!  She is like a unicorn for potential.  A unitial?  A poticorn?  Poticorn it is.

4. Anyone who dares suggest someone other than her be on the cover of O magazine.

5. Anyone who dares make a joke about how O magazine is all about orgasms.  Except that we already have every other ladies' magazine to have headlines about orgasms in a bold font on the front cover, so it's actually a kind of pointless joke.

6. Mushrooms.  They are so pointless and if they have any potential, they do not realize it.*

*I am pretty sure Oprah actually is okay with mushrooms and I was just projecting my own feelings of disappointment on her.  Sorry, Oprah.  I'll never do it again.

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