What Does Your Rat Park Look Like?

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In the past few weeks, I listened to two different podcasts (This is Vancolour and Ologies) that talked about Rat Parks.

What's a Rat Park, you say?

I am SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

Here's the story: in the past, our knowledge of addiction was based around rat studies where they would have a rat, alone in a cage, that was hooked up to a drug tube, and could access drugs whenever they wanted by pressing a lever. These rats would wind up becoming terribly addicted, starving or dehydrating themselves to keep getting the drug.

Based on that, it was assumed that addiction was a pretty significant failing of self-control, and if you just didn't take that first hit, or had enough discipline later, you wouldn't be addicted.

Then came Dr. Bruce Alexander. (He is interviewed in the This is Vancolour episode!)

He thought, hmmmmm, maybe if the rats weren't all alone in cages, hooked up to drug tubes, the outcome would be different.

He made Rat Park. It was a little land full of things that rats love: toys, tubes, and other rats to play with. There was also plenty of food and drugs available.

What he discovered is that the rats in Rat Park would occasionally partake in the drugs, but not become addicted. He even found he could take addicted rats, put them into Rat Park, and they would recover!

The moral of this story is that, for these rats, having a "full life" was an antidote to addiction, and that addiction is more about filling a hole in our hearts than a failing of morality or self-control.

As I pondered the awesomeness of this experiment and the beauty of Rat Park, I couldn't help but wonder: what if people designed their lives to be their own, personal Rat Park?

In a sense, this is what we are all trying to do, right? Have a good, fulfilling life. But the Rat Park reframe reminds me that I am in charge of my life and can design it how I like.

So then, if you were going to design your life to be a Rat Park, what would it look like?

What is the most ideal version of your life that is so complete, so fulfilling, so full of life that you wouldn't need anything else to fill a hole in your heart?

The first picture that comes to mind for mine is something I have been talking about for years. I call it a commune, but I think the real term for it is an ecovillage. Let me paint a picture:

Some friends and I purchase a large plot of land somewhere that is magically close to the city, but maybe not in the city, and affordable. (Somehow this exists.) On this land, we each build our own, smallish houses. There are gardens (that are tended by the people who are good at gardening). There is a goat, and probably other animals. There is a "common building" that has a large room for us to have big ol' dinners or parties with everyone.

We share things that are reasonable to share and have our own space for privacy and downtime. The children who live there are free to roam. Everyone still has whatever jobs or lives they want outside the commune/ecovillage.

This is the setting for my Rat Park life: community. In order to figure out the rest of it, my friend challenged me to make a vision board. I have never done that, but I am going to try it!

What about you? Does anything spring right to mind? What does your Rat Park life require?

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Cute! Roundup: Determined Pups, Llama Hats, Playful Foxes, and More!

I was trying to get some work done... but Gertie looked so cuddly right next to me (and also, was on top of the papers I was working with).

OTHER CUTENESS

This is determination if I ever saw it.

Do you like my hat?

Some playful foxes in a garden!

Puffin kisses.

This kitten has the doeiest of doe eyes that ever doed.

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Singalong! Hard-Headed Woman by Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam)

I recently had a conversation with some lady friends about how disheartening the dating world can be for women who are further down the feminist/driven/intellectual side of the spectrum. They've been in it for a while, and I am just re-entering it, so it wasn't exactly encouraging. Then, the next morning, I heard this song and chose to take it as a message that everything would be okay.

HARD-HEADED WOMAN

by Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam)

I'm looking for a hard headed woman

One who will take me for myself

And if I find my hard headed woman

I will need nobody else, no, no, no

I'm looking for a hard headed woman

One who will make me do my best

And if I find my hard headed woman

I know the rest of my life will be blessed

Yes, yes, yes

I know a lot of fancy dancers

People who can glide you on a floor

They move so smooth but have no answers, wo

When you ask them "What are you come here for?"

"I don't know" "Why?"

I know many fine feathered friends

But their friendliness depends on how you do

They know many sure fired ways

To find out the one who pays

And how you do

I'm looking for a hard headed woman

One who will make me feel so good

And if I find my hard headed woman

I know my life will be as it should

Yes, yes, yes

I'm looking for a hard headed woman

One who will make me do my best

And if I find my hard headed woman

Photo by Bryan Ledgard.

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Learning! Roundup: Blind Octopi, Measuring #MeToo, Panda Protein, and More!

Photo by Serena Repice Lentini.

Blind Octopi

Here is another sad repercussion of climate change: we are finding more low-oxygen zones in the ocean, and this leads to temporary blindness in many marine animals, including the lovely octopus.

Measuring #MeToo

A study looked at the frequency of sexual assault and harassment in women and men in America. It also looked at how often people admitted to having been the perpetrators of assault or harassment versus how often they had been accused of having done it (the statistics did not bear out the "false accusation" narrative).

Panda Protein

Pandas pretty much only eat bamboo and are the only vegetarian bears, and yet they get just as much protein as their meat-eating cousins! Weird, right?

Rich Artists

More evidence that the art world has a bit of a bubble for who gets "in": a new study says that people who come from wealthy families are more likely to go into creative work, and that every $10,000 in extra income represents a 2% increase in the likelihood of entering the arts. (This is a problem for art, FOR SURE!)

Gossip Girl - OR BOY!

There may be strong stereotypes that women get mean with their gossip more than men, but the largest study on gossip to date shows that most of our beliefs about gossip are wrong. Men and women engage in "tear down" gossip equally, as do rich and poor. The only real demographic difference is that young people gossip more than their older counterparts.

Languages Are For... Girls?

New research on the eye-rolling ridiculousness of strict gender roles: apparently, learning multiple languages is perceived as a more feminine pursuit, and thus avoided by men who are more traditionally masculine or have their masculinity threatened.

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This Week in Church: Heaven

Welcome to the series wherein I share my take-aways from church. The things that, I think, are beneficial to all of us to know or think about, whether or not we believe in any church-related things.

This week in church we talked about what heaven is.

Anne Lamott said, "Sometimes, heaven is just a new pair of glasses." TRUE!

This week in church we talked about when heaven is.

The concept of heaven being somewhere far away and in the future (after we're dead) is, I guess, actually a kind of new one? And in the past people (or at least Jewish people and early Christians) believed that heaven was a thing you experience while you're alive?

So here is an interesting potential consequence of seeing heaven as something far away, in the future: feeling alone now.

If everything is all about some reward at some point in the far away future and that things will be great then, but now things are trash, hooooo boy. That makes for an unpleasant now.

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Do You Have the Guts to Do a Year of No?

Photo by byronv2 on Foter.com / CC BY-NC

After my post the other day about practicing saying no, I have been thinking about going big: what if those of us who really struggle to say no spent a whole year turning things down?

A year of no.

Much better known is the concept of the "year of yes." Shonda Rimes wrote a whole book about it and I know several people who shook their lives out of a funk by committing to saying yes to every opportunity that came their way for a year.

A year of saying yes sounds exciting. It sounds like it's opening up possibilities, trying new things, and having fun.

A year of saying no sounds a lot less fun. It sounds isolating, cold, and closed-off. It sounds like, at the end of the year, I would have alienated all my friends, lost my job and my home, and be left doing... what? Shivering alone in a park somewhere?

Sure, if a year was spent saying no to literally everything and everyone, but that probably isn't how it has to work. Since a year of yes probably doesn't mean saying yes indiscriminately (you don't have to say yes to buying a house just because someone asked if you want it), then perhaps a year of no can have some parameters on it, too.

The point of a year of no is to hone what we actually want and need instead of getting swept away with other people's requests. It's a little thing called "setting priorities" and then actually protecting and honouring them.

This will require some prep work.

(Full disclosure: I am not sure I actually have the guts to do a year of no, but gaming out what it would look like is part of deciding, so off we go!)

Step One: Pick Some Priorities.

It seems reasonable to start by picking a few priorities, with the allowance that they can change and transform as we go.

Saying no will protect these priorities and allow them to flourish, and as we create that space, hopefully, we will become more clear on what we really want those priorities to be.

What relationships are the most important? Work opportunities? Side projects or hustles? Hobbies? We must make sure we aren't just protecting money-making opportunities, but also fun and community!

Step Two: Clean House

It would feel great to start this process with a clean(ish) slate! Is there anything in our lives right now that we can start by clearing out?

Let's get our KonMarie face on: first, by taking a moment to thank and appreciate everything in our lives, and then looking at all our obligations, relationships, projects, and jobs one-by-one to see if they spark joy or serve an important function in our lives. (And also, can we find joy in that functionality? Having a clean home and filed taxes is important, maybe there's joy in getting to that state?)

If there is no joy or functionality, can we get rid of it?

Step Three: Make a Plan

Okay, but how are we actually going to DO this? And by "do this" I mean, how on earth are we going to know what to say no to in the moment and then how are we going to SAY it??? We got into the situation of needing a year of no for a reason, and that reason was that we always want to say yes. What are the actual tactics, mindsets, and circumstances we can create to make it easier to say no and harder to say yes?

Here are some ideas on how to get started:

Change the perspective. I generally see myself as needing to be fluid and adapt to what's happening around me. This is a great way to get through life with minimal conflict but not a great way to protect priorities. Perhaps changing the perspective from "how can I fit into what's happening here?" to "how does this situation fit me?" is a good start.

Practice. First, we can mentally practice by running over likely scenarios in our heads and finding the best phrasing to shoot people down. Then we can practice in real life! A nice friend might indulge us in a live rehearsal, or we can just try to say no in lower-stakes situations and see how the heck that goes.

Defer decisions. Whenever we get an invitation or offer, we can say we need to think about it/check our calendar/confirm other details. That way we can evaluate whether it meets the high bar we have now set without feeling the pressure of making this person who is standing right in front of us happy or sad right now while they are watching us.

Plan ahead. Every month, we can look ahead and schedule in our priorities. Who are the most important people? Plan time with them. What projects do we absolutely want to move forward on? Book that time. Also, we must give ourselves downtime. Now our priorities are locked in, and the rest of the time we've got is what's available for random stuff that comes up along the way (which should still be subject to rejection if they aren't in line with our priorities).

Let your instincts be your guide. I am not great at this, but if you are a person with a good memory, a good sense of what fits and what doesn't, and excellent resolve in the moment, then you could simply let these priorities settle in your gut and honour them when things come up. Wield your no's like a champ.

No matter what, for this to work we should be saying no WAY MORE OFTEN than we say yes. Yeses go to things that we have already decided are priorities. Yeses are extended through invitations, by us, to take part in the thing we want to do. Yeses are parcels of our time that we distribute very, very cautiously.

Step Four: Keep At It

It's not going to work 100% of the time. We will accidentally say yes where a no would have been better. That's okay!

First of all, it's often not nearly as bad as we think it will be to back out on something. Honestly, people do that all the time. It can be annoying and flaky, but it can also be totally fine. The key is to do it quickly (so that the person in question can make other plans) and kindly (own your mistake in saying yes and be nice about it).

Second, it's a learning opportunity! Why did we say yes? Did we genuinely think it fit our priorities, or were we just giving in to that inner urge to make someone else happy? What would we do differently next time?

So... I'm still not 100% sure that I am game for an actual year of no. But maybe a season? The Summer of No. It doesn't sound like the good premise for a good movie, but it could be the start of a good life.

PS: This could pair well with a depth year.

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Inspiration! Roundup: Windy Tree Time, Mistakes, Hand Stamps, and More!

This week's "I want to go to there": Let's go hang out at a beautiful mountain lake.
Photo by Tom Gainor.

Tree Time

These windy trees are incredibly hypnotic. Video courtesy of Dimitar Karanikolov Photography.


Mistakes

Small mistakes:
1. Messing up school exams.
2. Not finishing college.
3. Failing at your first business.
4. Failing at your second.

Big Mistakes:
1. Not listening to your gut.
2. Not keeping your word.
3. Not looking after yourself.
4. Not looking for the good in people.

-Do Lectures

Hand Stamps

I love Andrea Lauren's hand-carved stamps!

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A post shared by Andrea Lauren (@inkprintrepeat) on Jan 2, 2019 at 11:43am PST

Fear and Gratitude

“I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world, the special intercourse of writers and readers. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.”
-Oliver Sacks

Buffer's Pay Gap

There is nothing I like more than a company that's honest about its failings. Okay, what I'd like more is for there to be less failing going on, at least when it comes to equality, but heck, honesty is the first step. Buffer has released a report about their growing gender pay gap. Now let's see them fix it.

Committed vs. Attached

I am inspired and intrigued by this one. I intuitively know there is a difference between commitment and attachment, but I don't know if I could describe it very well yet. How would you define the difference between being committed to something or attached to it?

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A post shared by Howard Jang (@howardrjang) on Apr 18, 2019 at 5:26pm PDT

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Recommended Read: Learning to Say No

Photo by Greta Pitchetti.

I have long-struggled with putting boundaries up in my life. To the point where, when I was talking to a counsellor about how to have a life that doesn't set me up for burnout, she realized she couldn't just say, "That's a good place to set a boundary." She had to walk me through, step-by-step, what that actually means.

Of course, setting boundaries is basically saying no. It's saying no in a way that protects the things most important to you. This isn't a very hard concept, but in the past, I have only really succeeded at it when I was primed in advance to know that saying no was okay.

So I love this Lifehacker piece on learning how to say no.

My key takeaways:

Saying yes all the time doesn't:
-guarantee person will like you.
-guarantee they will say yes to you at a later date.
-get you where you want to go in life.

Like anything else, getting good at saying no takes practice, and you can start with the people you are most comfortable or in the lowest-stakes situations, like people you barely see. Witness how, most often, people will simply accept your "no" and move on with their lives. If they don't, it might say more about them than you.

Win-win is a thing. Saying no doesn't have to mean slamming a door in someone's face and shouting, "I never want to hear about your fundraising event AGAIN!" It could mean saying, "I can't afford to donate, but is there something else I can do to help you succeed?" Or, "I really don't have time to volunteer, but I am happy to lend you some advice if you think that would help." Win-win!

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Cute! Roundup: InstaChimp, Many Sloths, a Baby Goat, and More!

Some side eye from The Gerts!

OTHER CUTENESS:

A chimpanzee using Instagram!

Sloth discipline is fierce.

Also, baby sloths are the cutest.

This goat with its plushy comfort toy makes me feel safe inside.

Someone is watching you.

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Singalong! All By Myself by Celine Dion

Sometimes, you need to take a song that reflects some of your actual feelings but magnifies them to the height of melodrama to help work through them.

ALL BY MYSELF

by Celine Dion

When I was young

I never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' alone

I think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

All by myself

Don't wanna live

All by myself

Anymore

When I was young

I never needed anyone

Making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

All by myself

Don't wanna live

Oh

Don't wanna live

By myself, by myself

Anymore

By myself

Anymore

Oh

All by myself

Don't wanna live

I never, never, never

Needed anyone

Giphy

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It's Actually Possible That Instagram Did Something.... Nice???

Photo by Prateek Katyal.

IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!!!!

A couple of years ago, I pled with the internet to invent an Instagram "like"-blocker. Not to stop people from liking posts, but to hide the likes from view. I realized I was starting to care too much about how many likes my posts got, as well as comparing my numbers with others. That is NOT a recipe for happiness! I don't want to live that way!

Well, guess what? In an unfathomable turn, INSTAGRAM ITSELF has started making likes a little less obvious!!!

I noticed a few days ago that the tally of likes under posts just said one or two names and then "and others." Instantly a combination of suspicion and hope arose within me. I didn't believe that the platform that profits off our insecurities would actually do something to reduce said insecurities, but... could it be?

Then today my hopeful suspicions were confirmed! Instagram has, indeed, done away with like counters!

OH GLORY HALLELUJAH!

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(Also, the app I did find that hid likes - on iphone only - seems to have been taken over by the exact opposite: some kind of build your following/become an influencer like-increasing scheme. Ugh.)

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Learning! Roundup: Art Raises Kids' Self-Esteem, the Smell of Death, a New Runner's High, and More!

Photo by kychan.

Raise Kids' Self Esteem with Art

It looks like participating in artistic activities, especially with their parents, is associated with higher self-esteem in kids. It's a correlation, but a pretty strong one that was tested for other factors. Kids who do creative activities every day, and are joined by their parents once or twice a week, fair the best.

Smelling Death

We may not have research about the impacts of artistic activities on the self-esteem of older adults, but what we do know is that those with a poor sense of smell will likely die earlier, specifically deaths related to dementia and Parkinson's. And we have no idea why.

Runner's High

The stereotype of marijuana users may be one of hanging in a basement with snacks and videogames, but in states where it's legal, eight out of ten users report consuming pot before or immediately after a workout. They say it makes the exercise session more fun and improves their recovery.

Anger Made Me Do It

When people are angry or afraid they do things they might not otherwise do, and now we know that, during those times, they actually feel like they have less agency or control over their actions.

Chatty Parents

If you've got a little baby in your life, the more you talk around them, the better for their cognitive development! A new study shows that babies who are exposed to more adult speech have better cognitive functioning than their counterparts.

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Recommended Read: 10 Tips on Receiving Critical Feedback

Photo by Jon Tyson.

Receiving criticism is hard for everyone -- even that motivational speaker who gushes about how criticism is a gift that allows you to improve yourself. We may have one or two areas of life that we are totally comfortable with hearing we need to do better, but there are others where our first reaction will be a rush of defensiveness.

One such area for many people is when their wokeness is challenged. If you are trying to be an ally, trying to help make the world a better place, trying to own your privilege, and trying to make space for others, criticism can feel like an attack that completely wipes out any good in you.

Don't worry, it's not! Brooke Anderson wrote a handy guide for activists on receiving critical feedback that can help us all get a little better at taking it.

Two of the pieces of advice really stood out for me:

"Trust that feedback is an offering, not an attack"

"Ask yourself, 'if this were true, what would it mean?'"

First, we trust.

Even if the person isn't doing a very good job at making it clear that their criticism is not an attack. Even if it seems really personal. Even if your heart is beating and your brain is going into panic mode. Someone is going out of their way to let you know how your actions affected them, and chances are they are feeling scared, too. Could it be an offering?

Second, we entertain it.

Even if we think they are wrong. Just imagine what it would mean if it were true. What would you do differently? Would you give an apology? Change your approach?

What a wonderful way to enter into a difficult process! Trust that it's coming from a good place and entertain the possibility that it is true, even if it seems wrong.

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