Today is Valentine's Day! PANIC!!!!

It's happening! Today is Valentine's Day and YOU PROBABLY AREN'T READY!

Don't fret! Here's my handy guide for everyone, regardless of relationship status, to make it through the day unscathed.

Are you....

RELATIONSHIPPED?

Guys, if your relationship is new enough that you haven't settled into a Valentine's routine, here's what you do. Run, (don't walk) to the nearest drug store. Purchase whatever candy they have, preferably shaped like a heart or a teddy bear or a teddy bear holding a heart. Girls love those, that's why they make them. Then visit the greeting card aisle and look for the section that looks like a post-apocalyptic siege. Those are the leftover Valentine's Day cards. Find one that is not ripped in half, is written in a cursive script, and maybe has glitter that will fall off and get all over everything. Girls love glitter. Write something confusing on the bottom of it that does not indicate specifically how you feel, like, "I'm so glad to know you." Freak out over how to sign off on the card (Love? Sincerely? Yours? Affectionately? From?) and then just write a dash and your name. Call around until you find a restaurant that still has reservations available, probably Milestone's or another generic chain. There. You have fulfilled the basic requirements for "doing something" for Valentine's Day, without "complicating" things by "communicating" about what she might want to do (because you simply must do everything on your own). Now she can't complain, because you did something, even if it would have been better to just chat with her about what she wanted to do, and you didn't have to do anything extra to get her expectations too high for any future milestones. She might be mildly disappointed, but she won't be able to really say anything since you got her a present and planned something.

Girls, while your man goes to a drug store to buy you a token gift and books a lame restaurant reservation, here's what you need to do: go to a different drug store (so he doesn't see you) and stock up on any make up or other necessary supplies you might require for transforming your disgusting body into something appealing. Razors, tweezers, bleach, hair goops, moisturizer, lip gloss, eyeliner, cover up, mascara, foundation, eye cream, bb cream, blush, a pumice, exfoliating scrub for your butt, bobby pins, cuticle oil, perfume, nail polish, nail polish remover, oh my goodness this list is so long. Do you have enough of all these things? And the many more that I forgot about because I try to pretend they don't exist? Good. Now that you've spent a month's salary transforming yourself into something appealing, spend your day performing that transformation. While you do this, imagine everything your man is planning for you, and get your expectations and hopes reallllly high. Don't you dare call him to talk about what you should do though, it's his job to show you how he feels about you by planning so so many special surprises that you are overwhelmed and maybe a bit frightened by his love.

In case you're wondering, this is what you're looking at for gift options.

SINGLE?

For the single ones, you have three options, and hanging out with friends or doing something normal is not one of them. You MUST react to the fact that this day is a relationship-focused holiday and either:

Have a protest night! Get together with only friends of the same sex and indulge in totally stereotypical girly/boy-like behaviour. Go over the top with expressing how awesome each other are and how much you don't need partners.

Get some action! Go somewhere where people go when they want action. Wear something that shows your most action-getting features. Act like you want action. Tell someone you are looking for action and find out if they want the same thing. Get your action. If you live in Vancouver, I hear The Roxy is a great place for that.

Be alone and sad! Wear anything that screams "no action will be had, whatsoever, because my body barely has a shape!" Eat junk food. Watch Netflix. Try not to cry or text everyone else who is happy.

There, those are your options. Like I said, you can't communicate with anyone that you might be in a relationship with, you must set expectations and scramble to fulfill imagined expectations. You can't just hang out with friends and be normal. You can only act totally insane.

This is, of course, entirely heteronormative. When you're not in (or seeking) a relationship that is societally forced into a gender binary, what do you do on a holiday designed around gender roles and expectations?

Learning! Artips

Have you heard of Artips?  Well don't worry, because now you have.  It's awesome.  You get weekly emails that include a piece of art and some background information on it.

For example, this week's email was called "A Clairvoyant Canvas?" and told the story of Giorgio de Chirico's painting Premonitory Portrait of Guillaume Apollinaire. The painting was a gift for poet Guillaume Apollinaire, who helped Chirico sell his first painting, and it may have predicted Apollinaire's death! Spooky and educational.

Challenge Follow-Up: What Happened After 24 Hours Without Complaining

Yesterday I challenged myself to go 24 hours without complaining.  While I generally consider myself to be a pretty positive person, I figured that I could still learn something from intentionally shutting down my complaints.


Here's what I learned:

1) It's easy to forget.

I intended to start my challenge first thing in the morning yesterday, and didn't remember until around 2pm (2:03pm to be exact) when I shared the blog post to my Facebook page and realized that I had completely forgotten to start.  So I instantly rescheduled and told my coworkers about it so they could remind me/shame me if I forgot and complained.

Still, I forgot a bunch of times about the challenge, and I don't expect my coworkers spent the day worrying about whether I was complaining or not, so they probably forgot too.  This means that I'm not entirely sure how successful I was.

2) I didn't really know how to define complaining.

I didn't define my terms before I began.  At one point a small discussion occurred around whether sharing bad news counted as complaining, but (to be honest) we got distracted and moved on, reaching no conclusions.

It wasn't until this morning (20 hours into the challenge) that I defined the term.  And by "I defined the term", I mean "my coworker Googled the definition of the term and we accepted it as fact."

The official definition of complaining: "to express dissatisfaction or annoyance with a state of affairs or event", "to state that one is suffering", "to state a grievance".

So, for example, when I got into work this morning and realized that my pants had ripped right under the crease of my bum, telling my coworker that had happened was not complaining, that was a statement of fact.  When I said "I'm sad that my pants ripped", that was complaining.

One could further an argument about the importance of tone as well: if I state a fact in a whiney voice, my tone is conveying dissatisfaction/annoyance/suffering.  So both the words you're saying and the way you say them are a part of the complaining package.


3) Trying not to complain created an elephant in my brain.

I noticed way more mental complaining yesterday afternoon, after the challenge began.  My thoughts were suuuuper complain-y.

There are two possible explanations for this:

One is that, because I was trying not to complain I was more aware of the inner complaints that were already there.

The other is that the very act of trying not to complain made me think about all the possible things I could complain about, even if I normally wouldn't have.  After all, it's well documented that when you ask a person not to think about something, they think about it even more than they would have before (the key to avoiding thinking about something is to just intentionally think about something else, not focus on trying not to think about it.)

What was actually going on in my brain was probably something halfway between the two.

4) Complaining made me sad.

At 2:03pm today my 24 hours were up, so I ran over to my coworker and let out some big, joking, exaggerated complaints.  We laughed that I was "set free" complain once more, and then as I walked back to my desk I realized that I felt kind of sad.  I may have been joking in my complaints, but they still bummed me out, pretty much instantly.

5) It's easy to reframe things positively.

Once I knew what complaining was, it did became relatively easy (and kind of hilarious) to try to rephrase something that could have been a complaint, in a positive light.

For example, instead of complaining that I didn't want to listen to a song that had come on, I stated the positive that I wanted instead: to be listening to a different song.  And I said it brightly as I moved to solve the problem.  Easy!


6) Success is variable.

Depending on how you measure success, I experienced it in moderation.  As far as I remember, only a couple of straight-up complaints slipped out, and on a few occasions a sort of whiney sound escaped my lips, a sound that tipped me off that a complaint was coming and I clammed up or found a positive rephrasing.

There was one giant grey area: last night my friend made me tell her the story of a male suitor who recently rejected me.  I mostly just told the story of what happened, but I did directly say that I was disappointed with how things gone down.  That means that technically it would have been a complaint.  But I also was saying that because she asked how I felt.  So... well, I'm giving myself a half point on this one because I didn't volunteer the complaint, and that was the most positive way to frame my answer.

All-in-all it was an educational endeavour.  I learned how to define complaining and I learned that complaining makes me sad and trying not to complain makes me complain a lot more in my brain.

I think this challenge will be a recurring one in my life.  Perhaps a weekly no-complaint day?  Then I think I might actually learn and grow into a different kind of sunflower.

6 Things I Learned About Humanity from Living With Roommates

I have had a LOT of roommates over the years.  In fact, I just tried to count them and quickly determined that there are enough that it's too much work.  To ballpark it, I have lived in eight different places since leaving my parents' home, six of which included probably 10-15 different roommates.  A few of those had repeat appearances, one even returned after getting married (her husband came too.)  Hopefully this significant turnover was not because I'm a horrible person - everyone had pretty legit excuses for needing to move out.

Now that I've been living alone for a little while (a situation that has a few notable down sides, but is primarily excellent), I have been able to reflect on the humanity I observed and the lessons I learned from living with so many different people.  Lessons I will now humbly offer to the face of your computer screen for your evaluation.

1) Everyone is annoying.

Not in a "humans are the worst so shun society"-type way, but in an "if you live with someone they are, at some point, going to reveal things they do that drive you nuts"-type way.  Of course, some people will annoy you more than others, because personalities exist, but ultimately, everyone is going to drive you nuts from time to time.  And you're going to drive everyone else nuts from time to time as well, because you're no fluffy cloud of perfection, thankyouverymuch.

What does it matter?  If you live with roommates, it matters so that you can get over yourself.  If you don't live with roommates, I think this lesson best applies to living with people who are romantic-type partners.  People often speak of "testing out" living with their partners, and generally they seem to be referencing the value of learning a person's annoying habits before they commit to living with them for the rest of their lives.  I'm not poo-pooing living with someone before you marry them, but I am poo-pooing all over this reason because you will never find a person who doesn't have annoying habits and they will all make you want to claw, drill, or gouge various body parts from time to time.  Or all the time.  In my completely inexperienced opinion, if a person's annoying habits are going to stop you from living with them, then you likely either a) don't love them all that much to begin with or b) will not be able to live with any romance partner, ever, because there is not a person on this earth who won't drive you nuts.

2) Everyone has things they hate doing.

This took me a while to figure out, but somewhere in the latter third of my roommate adventures, I realized that everyone has different things they hate doing when it comes to housework.  On the other side of that coin, everyone also has things they love doing (or at least, things they really care about maintaining, and so will voluntarily put effort into).

Example: I really care about the bathroom being clean, specifically the sink and countertop area, and will wipe it down almost daily.  I also generally maintain the dishes because piled dishes make it seem like the Wicked Witch of the West just sent her flying monkeys through the room.  Floors, however, I couldn't care less about.  I only ever really bothered cleaning floors when I knew people were coming over so they wouldn't think I was gross.  (Now I have a robot that cleans my floors.  WIN!)

What does it matter?  Well, if I have a roommate cares a lot about floors, but doesn't really notice the bathroom counters that much, then we could both wind up grumbling that we're "doing all the housework" and not realize that it's the glorious combination of our efforts that is maintaining things. This principle applies to any life situation where two or more people are responsible for a common good.

3) Real life sex sounds aren't all that sexy.

That's pretty much it - hearing real people have actual sex generally does not sound very sexy.  It can sound awkward, funny, or weird, but rarely does it actually sound sexy.  Know what's even less sexy?  Overhearing people discuss their sexual (mis)adventure right after the fact because for some reason they didn't close the door and you wandered unknowingly into the living room!

What does it matter?  It probably doesn't, but there is some relief in realizing that (apparently) nobody really sounds all that sexy when they have sex.  So you don't need to worry about it either.

4) Hearing sex isn't a big deal.

It isn't sexy and it doesn't really matter.  Like I said, sometimes it's funny or awkward, and it might be a bit uncomfortable if, say, it was particularly odd-sounding and then they come out of the room and you're right there, staring stone-faced at the TV, but really, who cares?  As long as it's not so frequent and obscene that it interferes with regular daily activities, just let it be and move on with your life.

This is also important to realize when it comes to living with couples, because living with couples is an EXCELLENT way to pay very little rent.

What does it matter?  It doesn't!

5) Use your words.

Most people don't want to be jerks.  So that means when other people are doing things that disrupt our lives, we try to live with it until the disruption becomes completely unbearable and we're seething with resentment like that scene in The Little Mermaid where Ursula starts huffing and puffing until she's turned the water inky black.

The problem with this?  Then something totally little and easy to adjust becomes a giant issue.  Plus, you've experienced a lot of anger.

The easiest example?  Noise.  Since, as I already suggested, most people aren't jerks, most people probably also don't realize that their noise is being disruptive.  So if you're trying to sleep and your roommate is watching a movie and giggling with friends, you have choices.  You can become Ursula and stew in your anger until your whole life is inky and black and you want to stab your roomie with a triton and possibly wind up exploding in angry screaming, or you can poke your head out the door and say "hey, sorry to be lame, but can you keep it down a bit?"

What does it matter?  Giving people the benefit of the doubt that they don't want to make you miserable and talking to them about things is a readily-transferrable skill that will result in reduced anger and increased harmony.  Communication, my friends, is key.

6) Get over it.

While it's good to communicate about the things roomies are doing that disrupt your life, let's remember that living with other people is a general life disruption.  It's actually sort of part of the point.  So you can't really force them to live exactly the way you do.  Most of the time, you just have to get over it.

If you can't get over it anymore and have started to be annoyed by things that happen when you live with any other human, like the fact that there is food in the fridge that isn't yours or shoes by the door that aren't yours or that you heard a person move around in the other room, then it's time to bite the bullet and get your own place.  And maybe examine why you are having these control issues (I know I did).

Why does it matter?  I guess it only matters if you want to be a part of society in any way.  If not, take to the hills and have a happy, un-disrupted life!

Inspiration! Challenge Accepted: 24 Hours Without Complaint

Here's an interesting challenge: go 24 hours without complaining.  

Today I am trying this!  One entire day without complaining once.  I don't think of myself as a complainer, but I'll bet I'll be surprised at how hard it will be.

Cute! PlaceKitten

My friend sent me this incredible website.  It's really just useful for our designers, but if you're designing a website and need placeholder images, this website provides kitty pictures to whatever specs you need!  Look:

It's called PlaceKitten!

Singalong! Call Me by Blondie

This morning I played the "plays" game from iTunes. You know, where you sort your music by most or least frequent plays. Sometimes I do it to actually listen to the stuff I've added to my music collection and then forgotten about, revealing both hidden gems and music that I never should have downloaded in the first place. Other times I like to see what my top hits are. Apparently, Blondie's Call Me has the most plays out of my iTunes collection. Kind of surprising, but heck, I like the song.

CALL ME

by Blondie

Color me your color, baby

Color me your car

Color me your color, darling

I know who you are

Come up off your color chart

I know where you're comin' from

Call me (call me) on the line

Call me, call me any, anytime

Call me (call me) my love

You can call me any day or night

Call me

Cover me with kisses, baby

Cover me with love

Roll me in designer sheets

I'll never get enough

Emotions come, I don't know why

Cover up love's alibi

Call me (call me) on the line

Call me, call me any, anytime

Call me (call me) oh love

When you're ready we can share the wine

Call me

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, he speaks the languages of love

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, amore, chiamami, chiamami

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, appelle-moi mon cherie, appelle-moi

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any way

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere, any day-ay

Call me (call me) my love

Call me, call me any, anytime

Call me (call me) for a ride

Call me, call me for some overtime

Call me (call me) my love

Call me, call me in a sweet design

Call me (call me), call me for your lover's lover's alibi

Call me (call me) on the line

Call me, call me any, anytime

Call me (call me)

Oh, call me, oh, oh, ah

Call me (call me) my love

Call me, call me any, anytime

Learning! Reach out and touch a parallel world

I know we all love quantum mechanics.  A day doesn't go by that I don't daydream about those theories of existence and multiverses and stuff that I totally understand (after all, apparently babies do, and if a baby gets something, then obviously I get it too.)

There's a new theory on the block of quantum mechanics: the Many Interacting Worlds theory, wherein not only do parallel universes exist, but they interact with ours and can be detected.

Note: this is only different from other theories (like the Many World Interpretation) in that they now say the worlds interact with ours, not just that they exist.  This means it should be testable and also means we might be more likely to meet a time-travelling alien in a blue box.  (That last bit is my own personal analysis, and is actually long and faraway, if at all possible, as right now they're in the fun "theoretical math" phase of this theory and we are a very very long time away from possible human interaction between worlds.  Although, this time traveller would not be human and has awesome sonic technology, and so may be able to speed the process.)

PS: If you aren't a total nerd, I'm referring to Doctor Who with all this time-travelling-alien mumbo-jumbo.

Source.

Today I Learned: The Difference Between Dashes

Did you know that there are multiple different kinds of dashes, and that they're different from hyphens?  I sort of did, but really, I didn't until my friend Andrea (I know!  Another Andrea!  And she's even better at being an Andrea than I am!) tweeted about "em dashes" today and I thought "whaaaaa?"

Turns out that when it comes to short lines between words in grammar, you may be using a hyphen, en dash, or em dash and not even know it.

In order of length and coolness:

The em dash is longer and by far the coolest.  It's the one that you would use two hyphens to create (--) and if you have a fancy word processor (read, pretty much any word processor) it'll combine them into one, long em dash.

Em dashes can be used to replace commas, parentheses, and colons, depending on how formal you want to be and how much attention you want to draw to the insertion.

En dashes are a little bit shorter and only averagely cool.  They are used for things like spans of time (1984-2015 -- that's the number of years I've been alive) or to show conflict or connection between two terms (the us-them dichotomy).

Hyphens are shortest and not too exciting.  Use them for compound words, or two or more words that, when combined, create an adjective (she's a simple-yet-opinionated child).

Grammar!  It's fun!

Learn more about hyphens, dashes, and other grammar things on this attractive and informative website, The Punctuation Guide.

Signs You're Getting Old: Dirty Clothes

You know when you're about to leave the house and then realize that your clothes are dirty, and then instead of going out anyways and pretending that it happened when you were already out of the house and couldn't do anything about it, you actually change your clothes instead?

Yeah.

That means you're getting old.

Inspiration! Everything is raw material

“Everything is raw material. Everything is relevant. Everything is usable. Everything feeds into my creativity. But without proper preparation, I cannot see it, retain it, and use it.” — Twyla Tharp

This connects perfectly to last week's inspiration, if you ask me. Part of preparation is to be DOING. I remember when I first took photography in high school, suddenly I was seeing everything around me through the lens of a camera. Everything had was a potential photo with imaginary edges all around it. Then I took a film production course and everything became a film clip. When studying acting, everyone becomes a character. When you work on something, you see the potential everywhere for that medium.

Today I learned about being nice to cashiers at Shoppers Drug Mart

Today (and by today I mean yesterday, but time is a mystery, so get over it) I learned that when you return something at Shoppers Drug Mart and don't have a receipt, the employees can't just a) scan the item and issue you a store credit if you have a legit reason (like, say, their contact lens solution burned your eyes), b) look up your past purchases using your Shoppers Optimum Card, or c) do some fudgey thing where they issue you a "voucher" for a new product and pretend the old one never existed.  Nope. 

What do they do?

They have to ask you to try to remember where you bought it, what day you bought it, and if you bought anything else at the same time, and then go through all the transactions from that store until they find the transaction from your purchase.  And they will actually do that for you.

So, you know, next time you need to return something without a receipt and it seems to be taking a really long time, be nice to the person who is literally going through thousands of transactions trying to find yours because you can't remember if you bought it on Saturday or Sunday.

Cute! Sunday afternoon kitty cuddles

Yesterday Gertie and I had some quality time.