The Artist's Way: Week Nine

Week nine of the Artist's Way is called Recovering a Sense of Compassion, which is fitting since I was jumping back onto the wagon after weeks of ignoring it.

FEAR AND THE CREATIVE U-TURN

The first thing she brings up is fear, pointing out that we often re-label our fear as laziness.  Our fear blocks us from starting, and then we beat ourselves up for not working hard enough.  Whether it's fear of failure or fear of success, it holds us back big time.  When we procrastinate, how often is it because we are afraid?  Julia Cameron would say all of the time, but I don't like absolutes, so I'd say most of the time.

She also introduces the concept of creative U-turns, something that was a new one to me, but I think it's fantastic.  It's the abandoning of a creative project just as it's taking off.  Suddenly deciding that this story is stupid, or that painting will never work.  Having someone offer to represent you and then never calling them because they aren't the "perfect" person to represent you, never mind that it would be a start.

I know that I abandon things just as they are getting hard a lot.  I have always been a person who finds starting pretty easy, and who can pick up a new skill to a beginner level fairly quickly.  Then all of a sudden, it gets hard and I don't like it anymore.  The perfect example of this for me is writing stories - I have a lot of ideas for stories I want to write, but I find it a lot harder than writing non-fiction pieces.  So what do I do?  I get started and then just when I'm working through the hard part, I decide that the story is stupid and I walk away from it.

GETTING THROUGH BLOCKS

So how do you get through your blocks?  She provides some steps to do this that I am really excited to try.  Do this before you start a new project:

1) List any resentments (anger) you have associated with this project.  No matter how stupid or childish it is, treat them as big deals and write them down.  This can include resenting not being asked first, working for someone you don't like, that the subject matter isn't exciting, whatever.

2) List all your fears to do with the project.  Again, treat all the fears, no matter how childish or small, as valid.  If they exist, they matter.  Are you afraid it will be bad but you won't realize it?  That the whole thing is kind of passé?  That you'll never finish?  Write them down.

3) Go back. Ask yourself if that is all, or if there are more.  Is there anything else that you didn't even want to admit to yourself?  The thing that seemed the silliest or the scariest?  The stuff you're avoiding admitting to yourself probably has the most influence over you.  Write that down, too.

4) Look at what you have to gain by not doing the project.  If you don't do it, what do you gain?  Do you save yourself from criticism?  Do people worry about you if you don't follow through and then you get attention?  Do you get to avoid facing what you're really capable of?

5) Make a deal with yourself and the Creator to do it.  The deal Julia Cameron writes is, "Okay, Creative Force, you take care of the quality, I'll take care of the quantity."  Then you do it.

HAVE FUN WITH IT

One other thing she talks about in this chapter is to remember that creative work isn't just hard, disciplined work. There has to be an element of play.  Of make believe.  Of fun.  Sure, sitting down and doing your job and getting it done matters, but also having fun with it.  To be honest, I am not sure exactly how I feel about this, because writing (or other creative stuff) isn't always playful bliss to me.  Sometimes it's painful, ridiculously hard work.  Sometimes I feel like I am sticking my head in a vice and squeezing until words painfully ooze onto my computer screen.  But I do it because that terrible feeling is better than not doing it.  Not doing it is much, much worse.

That said, remembering to play and have fun is a really really good way to try to have some of that compassion for my artist self.  I don't always have to be diligently forcing myself to produce.

So let's try it!  Let's try actually recognizing our fears and resentments, and then actually doing things anyways.

The Artist's Way: Weeks Seven & Eight

Catching up, you guys!  Don't worry, I haven't given up on The Artist's Way (because I know you're all super invested in my artistic development).  Here is my rundown from weeks seven and eight.

WEEK SEVEN

The theme of week seven is recovering a sense of connection.  It's about getting back in touch with your personal creative dreams and drive.  There are some great bits in this one: one is the notion that creating art isn't about thinking something up but "getting something down."  This really connects with me as I often feel I am finding something that already exists when I make something.  Not to even come close to comparing myself with Michelangelo, but he said the same thing about carving the Statue of David - that he found the shape inside the stone.

There is also significant emphasis here on letting go of perfectionism.  I already blogged about it a bit, because it really struck me as one of the most important ideas I can embrace right now.  What would you do if you didn't have to do it perfectly?  List as many things as you can think of.

Jealousy also gets some special attention here.  This is another one that hit right where I was already thinking and knocked that nail in all the way: jealous, while being an unpleasant feeling we may want to ignore, is also useful information.  It is a mask for our fears and feelings of inadequacy.

Next time you feel jealous, ask yourself why.  What do you need to be doing that you're not?  There is a great exercise here called a jealousy map.  It's simply a list with three columns: Who, Why, and Action Antidote.  Who are you jealous of, why are you jealous of them, and how can you meet that with action?  What steps can you take in your own life to deal with that root cause of your jealousy?  It usually boils down to actually starting to work on something you've been wanting to work on.

WEEK EIGHT

The theme of week eight is recovering a sense of strength.  At first the title seems a bit erroneous to me, because it's mostly about dealing with the creative block of time.  So, pretty much, the exact practical thing that I need to deal with in my life.

However, making time for the things you really want to do and taking the risk to do it takes a fair amount of strength.  Creating means exposing yourself and taking a lot of losses (or at the very least risking them).  In this chapter Julia Cameron deals with how to create some resilience to those losses (recognizing your artistic wounds and metabolizing that pain into artistic energy, for example).

The antidote is to keep doing.  To take steps.  To remember that it's not just about having written a book but to enjoy the process of writing the book.  That taking steps towards a goal is an enjoyable thing to do.  So make a goal and figure out what steps you can take towards it every single day.  She calls this process of taking small steps instead of focusing on the big picture "filling the form".  Instead of fantasizing about being a real artist or panicking over the sacrifices you'll have to make when you are successful, find little steps you can take here or there to put that art into your life.

I appreciate this chapter so very very much.  It's so easy to get caught up in the hugeness of something you want to do instead of just taking some steps towards doing it and enjoying those steps.  I have done a good job in the past year of carving out time to work on things, but have let myself flounder in the direction I'm going with that work.  I write every day, but rarely work on the larger projects that I truly want to complete.  This reminds me to just create a plan and work on it bit by bit. Of course, now creating the plan has become the "bigger thing" that I think about and then don't do, but I will work on that plan as SOON as I finish writing this post!  I promise!

The Artist's Way: Another Hiatus

Here's one thing that happens when you blog about your experience doing a self-directed course: you have to publicly admit your failings.

So here's my latest confession: last week I sort of did what I was supposed to do for The Artist's Way, and this week, I haven't even looked at it yet.

Sigh.

I know, I know.  I've already had one fail.  But you know what?  I don't even feel that bad!  I'm not going to give up, and I'm ready to get back on it next week, catching up where I left off.

The Artist's Way: Week Six

Week six of The Artist's Way!  Halfway there!  This week's theme is Recovering a Sense of Abundance - probably one of the hardest things for me so far.  In my spiritual practices, creative practices, and life in general, I find it really difficult to look around the world without seeing looming scarcity.


In my own life, I see how finite and scarce time, money, and even relationships can be.  I live on a budget.  Spending money in one area generally very clearly takes away my opportunity to spend it elsewhere.  Same with time, which feeds directly into my relationships: time spent on one activity or person is taken away from time spent elsewhere.

In the world, I see an overcrowded planet crushingly dependent on a finite resource and massive inequality that seems to only be growing: you either have it all or you have nothing.

Okay, so that's the Negative Nina in me.  But there is, of course, a flip side.  The side that really really wants to see everything as a possibility and that there is room for us all (even though this planet is way too full as it is!) and that sees (or hopes) that there will always be enough.  Just because my finances make everything an either/or decision doesn't mean everything else works that way, right?  Right?

So that's the attitude I walked into this week's activities with: a deep mistrust with a sprinkling of hope.

Abundance

The basic message of the week is that you plug into your "way" or "flow" or "calling" and then the extras come to you.  That the more you take, in terms of taking care of yourself or following your path, the more you get.

So here's the thing: Julia Cameron says that art is born in expansion, not contraction, and I agree.  Expansion is also what we make of it.  Finding five minutes to breathe or take photos or doodle can be a massive luxury and moment of abundance.  I just have trouble with the whole "start doing it and the universe will bring it to you" idea.  More likely, to me, is the idea that once we start making room for something, we start seeing more opportunity for it and that the growth comes naturally from our new outlook.  It's the "the hardest part is showing up" philosophy.

At the end of the day, of course, it doesn't really matter: either I find expansion because once I start wriggling a little bit of space for something, it becomes more of a priority and easier to make more space for, or I find expansion because once I take steps in the right direction the universe/God goes "hey you!  You're on the right path, here's more of what you need!"

Either way, I take steps first and then start to find my way.  I operate as if there is enough (enough of what?  Pick one: time/money/friends/ideas/attention/resources) and then find it.


Money

Okay, so it's one thing to expect abundance in opportunities or time or ideas, but what about money?  According to Julia Cameron, money will flow just as freely as anything else once you step into your "flow".  Oh goodness.  This is a direct measurable and that gets harder to accept.  It also sounds a lot like something that might get said by someone someone who has had a very privileged life.

That said, she had some interesting activities around money and our attitudes towards money that I found useful.  One is simply to track your spending and see what you value in terms of where you spend your money.  (Mine wasn't a huge surprise: after I pay for my home, phone, and internet, most of my money goes to feeding myself and going out with friends.)

The other exercise is a fill-in-the-blanks using phrases like "People with money are _____", "Money equals _____", "If I weren't so cheap I'd buy _____", "If I could afford it, I'd _____", and "In my family, money caused _____".  It's a simple exercise that helps reveal our hidden attitudes towards money, and perhaps where they came from.


The Tasks

This week's tasks were to find abundance by collecting and letting go: go find and collect beautiful rocks, flowers, and leaves, and at the same time, let go of as many pieces of clothing that are no good for you.  Clear out some aspect of your home and welcome friends into your life by sending out cards to people you want to draw deeper.

I confess that I didn't do everything, but one thing I did do, that I am really happy about, is decorate my balcony.  You see, my balcony has a glorious view of my building's parking lot.  For ages I have been wanting to make a cover for it out of colourful fabric strips, so that when I look out my window I see pretty hanging fabric instead of cars and asphalt.

I haven't done it because, despite having two suitcases full of fabric, I assumed I didn't have "enough" to make it work.  I also assumed it wouldn't look as good as I pictured it, which is a silly reason to avoid doing something of course, because you don't know what it will look like until you try.

So, last weekend, I cut my fabric into little strips and tied it onto my balcony railing, and I love it.  I think it turned out so pretty and that it makes a lovely cover for the parking lot and every time I look out my window I feel like a little bit "more" in my home.

Here's a crappy picture.  I'm doing a slow-but-steady reworking of my balcony so that it's a pleasant place to be once it gets warm out, and I'll post better photos once that's done.

Yes, I have fake grass on my balcony. It's wonderful.

The Artist's Way: Week Five

Week five of The Artist's Way is called Recovering a Sense of Possibility.  This week we really dive, like, cliff-jumping dive, into the spiritual side of things.  The main principle is to be open to possibilities, recognizing where we limit ourselves, and, one magical day, throwing those limits into some deep, black hole and being free, open artists.

With God as our source, the theory goes, we have an abundance of possibilities available to us, waiting to extend through us.

Okay, so my struggle with any of this kind of spiritual philosophy is that it seems to say "just put it out there and your life will flood with goodness", as if God or the universe or whatever are just waiting to give every single human being every single thing they've ever wanted, and as soon as we ask for it, BLAMMO!, there it is.

One look around the realities of the world, however, and you can easily see that, no, this is not the way things work.  Or at least if it does, then a lot of people are making their own lives horrible and it's all their fault.

HOWEVER, Julia Cameron does clarify that, although she believes it often does just "come" to you, it's more like praying to catch the bus and then running as fast as you can.  So I can be open to that idea: that we can work together with the Godverse to make things happen.

The Virtue Trap

Here's one thing that comes up in week five that is super hard for me: ditching The Virtue Trap.  Basically, The Virtue Trap is the sneaky need to always be nice and do for others and all those other very good things that are so easy to put ahead of doing your own work.  It's the inability to even try to book some time of solitude, no matter how badly you need it, because you know you'll be letting someone else down.

Sort of like the fine balance of trusting God to provide without sitting back and treating him like a vending machine, there is a sweet spot here, too.  Nobody wants to become a selfish meanie, always putting their needs ahead of their loved ones', but that doesn't mean you have to always shove your needs aside, either.

So how do you get over The Virtue Trap?  The good first step Julia Cameron offers is to ask yourself a few questions: "what would I do if it weren't so selfish?" and "what would I try if it weren't too crazy?"

I had a hard time even answering these questions, but I will keep them hovering in my mind.

There is also a series of exercises to help identify your own Virtue Trap weaknesses.  My favourite (and an easy one to do at home) is simply filling in the blank of "I wish______" 19 times, as fast as possible.  Try it.  Number 1-19 on a sheet of paper, write "I wish" at the top (or at each number if you are really on top of things) and then fill it in as quickly as possible.  Then look for themes or anything that surprises you or punches you in the gut with its deep truth.

Tasks

This week's tasks and reflections were really eye-opening for me.  As usual, there was a lot of listing of things that all circled around the same issue: list five reasons why I can't believe in a supportive God; list five desires; list five adventures I'd go on if I was 20; and had money; list five postponed adventures I would take if I was 65 and had money; list ten ways I'm mean to myself; list ten items I would like to own but I don't; what is my favourite way to stay blocked?

I am starting to see themes emerge in my own desires and blocks.  The things I really want keep coming up, over and over.  Some of them are huge and, at least for the moment, unattainable, but others are small and doable, all I have to do is let go of some of my virtue trappings.

Okay, this is easier said than done, because my virtue trappings are people I love and care for very deeply, but seeing the possibility is a start, right?

The Artist's Way: Week Four

Week four of The Artist's Way is titled Recovering a Sense of Integrity.  The basic idea here is to start to recognize and embrace how you really feel about things.  What you really want and think.  It's all about being honest with yourself.

The idea is that you can't create anything honest until you are being real with yourself.  If you are spending all your time pretending to like things you don't really get or to care about things that bore you, you will never be able to make something that is truly meaningful.

Here are two of the practical challenges/ideas that flowed from this chapter:


Reading Deprivation

Warning: during the fourth week of The Artist's Way, you are not allowed to read.

Sounds like torture, right?

Unfortunately, the logic behind this deprivation is sound: the less time you fill with input, the more you are forced to output. If you don't occupy your time by taking in the creative work of others, you are going to have to do something to fill that time, and that something will eventually emerge from within you, whether it's finally starting to write a sonnet, singing your heart out, having a dance party for one, or rearranging your furniture.

This challenge reminded me once again that this book is best experienced with a less-full schedule.  The idea was supposed to be that I would have acres of time to fill that I would need to find some other way to occupy.  Except that I had work in the daytime and things I had to do every evening afterwards, so there wasn't all that much down time.

That said, I still did get to make some changes.  I assumed that Julia Cameron didn't want me to get fired, so I still read things I needed to read while at work (emails, for example, are unavoidable), but I did eliminate the little time-fills I have grown accustom to: reading while I eat breakfast, watching TV while I clean the house, listening to talk radio while I get ready in the morning.  Instead I filled the silence (because silence is the worst) with instrumental music.

It made a difference.  It's no surprise that having TV or other talking on the background is a bit of a tether.  Instead of just giving my subconscious some noise to follow, it grabs my conscious mind and ties it down, just a little.  It makes it harder for me to shift activities, turn off, or even imagine my own stories.

I'd like to say that this experiment motivated me to shun the voices of others to fill the silence, and that I now let Bach accompany me through a creative and productive life, but that would be a lie.  As soon as my week was up, I had Netflix on in the background once again while I cooked dinner.

Still, a good reminder.


The Power of the Purge

I generally get pretty attached to things, and if something has sentimental value, especially if someone has given it to me as a gift, I feel compelled to hold onto it for the rest of time.  Last winter I started to feel a big inner drive against that hoarder instinct and started to let go of things - it felt incredible.

This week one of the things Julia Cameron discusses is that as we become more in tune with ourselves and what we really want, we become free to shuck off the things we don't want.  A closet, home, or life full of the old and unwanted does not leave room for the new and welcome.

Now, the book focuses mostly on getting rid of stuff, but I don't think that's really my big problem.  Sure, I have a bit of a hoarder tendency that I need to deal with, and it's hard sometimes to let go of things, but I'm already going down that path.


If we're talking about making room in our lives, though, my biggest challenge isn't going to be purging stuff.  What I really need to do is purge plans.

As a perfect case in point: this week, and with most weeks of The Artist's Way so far, I have not really felt like I had the time to really delve into the intended experiences of the practice.  Why?  Because I had a week full of plans.

I regularly skim through my calendar, disheartened at how full it is, with no idea of how to bring it down.  Rarely is there something in there that I actually don't want to do, and if there is, it's probably linked to an obligation that (at least for the time being) I can't shake.

So I got rid of unwanted clothes, like Julia Cameron instructed, but I still have no idea what to do with my schedule.  When nothing is unwanted except for the sheer volume, what do you do?

The Artist's Way: Week Three

Week three of The Artist's Way is called Recovering a Sense of Power.  The idea is to embrace and take conscious steps into spiritual open-mindedness, and acknowledging the fear that comes with answered prayers and possibilities.


The big message of the week is that as you "help yourself" to little kindnesses and treats, as well as to the work you want to do, you will find more kindnesses and possibilities appearing.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about this concept.  It's like The Secret or sketchy spirituality that treats God like a vending machine.  I just don't see this world as a place where people are just given good things in their lives just because they ask for them or take steps towards them.  Certainly not in a direct way, at any rate.

That said, I see the value in actually trying something, even if it seems stupid.  In fact, I think that we usually get the most out of fully throwing ourselves into something we think is stupid.  At worst, you confirm what you thought before.  At best, you experience something unexpected and (hopefully) great.


So that should mean that I threw myself into a search for synchronicity, right?  Nope.  Sure didn't.  I am starting to feel like this log of my time doing The Artist's Way is a log of reluctant bare-bones participation.  Not exactly what I was going for.  I want to give this more of a chance.

It wasn't one of the exercises, but Julia Cameron does talk about taking little treats and kindnesses for yourself and making a list of things you want in life, and then allowing them to come to you.  I am righteously skeptical, and feel like I have sort of tried these things before, but I am going to try it again.  You never know, right?

Besides, when it comes to all this kind of stuff (The Secret, manifesting your desires, whatever), I do believe that it is extremely beneficial to think through what you want and that just by doing that, you make yourself more likely to take positive steps in the right direction, so there is really nothing bad that can come of this.


Okay, let's move on to what I did do, and got a lot out of, which was the exercises:

This week's exercises included things like listing the five traits you liked about yourself as a child, five people you admire (and then five people you secretly admire), five people who are dead that you would like to meet (and then five people who are dead that you would like to hang out with in heaven), five people who nurture you.  In all these cases, you then list what the traits are of these people.

It was easy for me to see that I most admire and want to be around people who are open, hopeful, non-jealous, inventive, creative, and who just do things (instead of imagining doing them).  People who are enthusiastic and supportive and who will take an idea seriously enough to follow through on it (or help someone else follow through on their idea), but not so seriously that it can never grow or change.

The Artist's Way: Week Two

Week two of The Artist's Way is all about recovering your identity.  The main drive is to take away all the things we "should" be doing to please others and all the people who make us feel guilty or undermine our work with their own craziness, while practicing paying better attention - both to the moment and to our lives and gifts.

This week I had less resistance than I did in week one, despite a lot of the exercises still feeling like they didn't quite applying to me.  This week instead of "hearts" and "hmmmmmms", I'll share what I did "okay" with and "less okay" with.


OKAY

The tasks for the week are mostly around taking an inventory of your life: where you spend your time, what you nurture and ignore, and what things you wish you were doing all the time that you never actually do.  There is some really great stuff in here, it just all happens to be stuff that I started doing regularly a few years back to regain my sanity, so I know I'm not getting the big life-changing impact that is intended.

For example, one exercise is to write down twenty things you enjoy doing - anything.  My list includes yoga, riding my bike, writing, dancing, going for a beer with friends, playing games with friends, crafting, baking, cuddling with Gertie, and playing music.  Then you are to write, next to each thing, how long it's been since you actually did that thing.  She says that you should not be surprised if it's been years since you did most of the things on your list, and if I were doing this a few years ago, that would have been the case for me as well.

The truth was, that everything on my list except for playing music was something I had done as recently as was realistically possible (I can't play games with friends every day, but I had done it within the past couple of weeks, which felt pretty good to me).  Now, I would love to start playing music again, and that's something I can work on, but otherwise I think I'm doing pretty well!

In response to this, I was meant to pick two things I hadn't done in a long time and make time to do them.  Okay, so I probably should have picked playing music, since that was the only thing I hadn't really done that was on my list, but I gave myself a pass.  19/20 is pretty good and I already have special time I make for some of these activities.


NOT-SO-OKAY

I confess that I didn't do some of the exercises fully because I didn't actually have the time - or should I say, I didn't actually make the time.  We have time for everything we choose to do, right?

For example, one exercise was to write a list of things you would like to change in your life, some big and some small.  Then you pick one small thing and just do it.  I have been wanting to get photos printed for some picture frames I have for ages, so I picked that.  Then I didn't do anything.  Well, I looked through some photos I had and realized that they are too small to print.  Then I didn't do anything.  So, I did not-so-okay at that one.

LESSONS LEARNED

This week I learned that I am already doing pretty good at making time for the things that matter most to me, but that I need to continue to work on it.  If I can't even make the time to act on a couple of exercises, I know I'm not there yet.

I've noticed that I enjoy the insights in the readings very much, but I don't really like most of the tasks. Even the ones I follow through on fully, I generally find a bit annoying. So that's an interesting observation: I like to read and think about ideas, but not actually act on things.

The Artist's Way: My Week Two/Three Fail

Week Two of The Artist's Way has officially come and gone, we are halfway through Week Three, and all I've got is this lousy... well, nothing.

Okay, that's not quite true!  I read the chapter last Sunday, I dutifully read the chapter for Week Two at the beginning of last week.  I looked at the exercises and thought about them.  Sadly, that's about it.  I will feebly offer, with hopes for some credit, that I have been doing my Morning Pages every morning this whole time.

I know, right?

I kind of hate being one of those people who starts a big project with gusto and then has zero follow through.  The excuse is the same as every excuse for everything: life has gotten really busy.  The thing is, though, it's just gotten to its usual level of busyness for me, so I really should be ready to handle this.

So here's the plan: this weekend I have time set aside.  I am going to start back at week two, but I'm going to be more intentional about planning when I do the exercises.  I'm going to do this thing right, I swear!

The Artist's Way: Week One

I am doing The Artist's Way!  The Artist's Way is a 12-week program where you do a variety of exercises to help "unblock" yourself as an artist.  My goal is to start acting on my random creative impulses and have more fun with my artist side, instead of just shunting off all my ideas to the "maybe someday" part of my brain.

On the way, I intend to write about the experience.  This is week one!  So far there are things that I love (let's call them "hearts") and things I am skeptical about (let's call them "hmmmmmmmms").

Week one is titled Recovering a Sense of Safety.  The big idea here is to counteract some of the negative beliefs we have about artists and the associated fears that might be holding us back.  Beliefs that artists are all drunk, broke, and unhappy/mentally unstable, for example.  It's about finding the root of those negative beliefs and taking away their power.

HEARTS:

The Morning Pages: The Morning Pages is the number one, top practice The Artist's Way teaches.  If you tell anyone you're doing The Artist's Way and they are at all familiar, they will probably say something like, "oh, so you're doing morning pages."  Basically, every morning you write 750 words.  That's it.  750 words of whatever.  Stream of consciousness.  Get what's running through your mind on the paper.

I can totally see how this will be beneficial and would be good for everyone, no matter what they do with their lives.  The practice of writing down every thought, every concern, worry, and responsibility, alongside all your gratitude and happiness, is pretty therapeutic.  It's a total release.

The best part, for me, is the word count.  The word count does two things: one, it keeps it from taking too long, because if you don't have a point where you're "done", you could write out every thought in your head for days.  I used to just freehand journal in the morning and it wound up eating wayyyy too much of my morning, which is why I stopped.

The second is that you got to start off your day FINISHING something.  It's a daily practice of completion.  You write until it's done.  You don't judge, evaluate, or shape it.  You don't give up because it's not quite working.  You get it done.  The utility of this has already seeped into my other writing.  It reminds me to just do and keep doing until I am done.

The Artist Date: At first I was skeptical about this one.  The idea is that your inner artist is this child that needs to be nurtured, so you should take it on a date, which is cheesy but fine.  She refers to it as "filling the artist tank", which totally makes sense.  All of Julia Cameron's suggestions, however, sound like some Manic Pixie Dream Girl, live each day like it's your last, let's go really experience the world hoopla: go for a walk and really notice the world!  Eat a meal and really, truly, experience your food!  Smell it!  Are you smelling it? Did you taste ALL the flavours??? When you prepared it, did you notice every single time you chopped the carrot?  Did you FEEL it?  Ugh.  Really?

Then I did a little research online, though, and now I get it.  It's literally a time you set aside to just do a fun thing you want to do.  It can be making something, watching something, or doing something.  Like, anything that isn't lying around in a Netflix binge, basically.  It is the life-changing idea that we need to do things once and a while.  That we need to start tuning back into those little inner urges that say "hey, let's check that out!"

The affirmations: This week, at least, one of the exercises is to do affirmations.  Every morning after completing my Morning Pages, I say nice things to myself about how I'm a prolific artist and I am channeling God's creativity and stuff like that.  It's totally cheesy, but as someone who has battled depression in the past and won, in part, due to positive affirmations and gratitude practices, I am all over this.

The spiritual bent: I have a kind of faltering but ever-present spiritual intention in my life.  Of late, it's been more falter than intent, and I think that a practice founded on the idea that we are connected to a creative source (God) will be very useful.  It also helps the art not be egotistical or self-serving if it's about channeling/getting in touch with something bigger than I am (I am always in favour of Something Bigger Than Me).

HMMMMMMMMMS:

The Recovery Talk: Oh goodness, are we all these delicate, bruised roses that need to be coddled back to our blooming glory?  I get it, a lot of people have beat up their little inner artist so much that they are covered in wounds and need to be gently guided back into trusting themselves.

Sure, growing up it was often suggested to me that art makes a great hobby after I was asked how I would make a living, and maybe I've just begun to believe my oppressors, but I don't think that was wrong of people to ask.  We don't have a patronage system anymore, so if you are going to be a full-time artist you kind of need to be a business person and marketer too.  You need to think through how you are going to make your art lucrative.  You need to study, apply for grants, pitch to galleries, set up websites with online shops, network, and run Instagram accounts.  Let's be honest, Julia Cameron makes zillions of dollars marketing an empire of products surrounding The Artist's Way, and that's not all just a result of following her inner artist's bliss.  It's business acumen.

All that to say, I don't feel like my inner artist is this poor, neglected child who needs to be gently coaxed out into the sunlight.  All I'm looking for is to give her more room to play.

The Childish Tasks: Some of the tasks are great.  Obviously the Morning Pages and the Artist Date are already wins to me.  I'm doing the affirmations and am fully on board with them.

This week, however, I'm also supposed to be identifying the "monsters" in my life who held me back and scared my sweet little artist into hiding behind my spleen.  I'm to write childlike rebuttals to put them in their place and draw pictures of them with boogers on their faces.

I don't know.  That just seems silly.  I can't even think of anyone, and if I could, I wouldn't want to call them names and black out their teeth, because I know they weren't trying to quash my dreams.  They were trying to love and support me the best they knew how.  No monsters here, just people doing their best.

Resistance Dismissal: If I had a "Hall of Monsters" who had murdered my innocent young artist I might see this differently, but what kind of gets me about this is the fact that Julia Cameron makes a point of dismissing any resistance you may feel to the tasks.  Basically, if I feel like I don't want to do something, it's not because the exercise doesn't suit me, it's because I am resisting recovery and sticking with my comfortably familiar (but painful) state of suffocated dreams.

To her, The Artist's Way is not wrong or needing modification, only my attitude needs adjusting.  This, of course, starts to remind me of a common religious reasoning whenever something doesn't work out: "it's never God's fault, it's always your fault, you faithless sinner."  That kind of logic is never very helpful, if you ask me.