Thursday, July 28, 2011

Fun Fact

You send me one "don't forget about my event!" message and I remove myself from your event.

Exception: if you're an actual friend and planning a party that you haven't invited every single person on your list to and the message says something like "hey, the party time/location is changing, FYI!" or "can you bring dip?"

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I love the internet when...

... it invents this:


Thanks to our good friends at xkcd.

I am suddenly struck with curiosity

Something like a year ago, Chris Angel had a TV special where he promised to levitate everyone watching from their homes.  You had to stand up and listen to him and actually believe it was going to happen.  Me and everyone with me stood up and tried to get levitated but it didn't work.

The question is: did it work for anyone?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Life in the 'burbs

Today I am watching The Rick Mercer report for the first time ever with my Dad.

In other news from the suburbs:

  1. Superstore has really cheap stuff!
  2. There are still gas stations where you can't pay at the pump and have to flip up that metal thingy to turn on the gas.
  3. Driving everywhere is a lot faster than bussing everywhere.
Things that are free in the suburbs:
  1. Parking in parking lots that are everywhere
  2. Newspapers delivered straight to your door
  3. Movies (okay, that's not quite true, but the movie theatre I worked at as a teenager now has TWONIE TUESDAYS - that's so cheap it's like they're giving us money to watch movies!)
  4. Food (if you're staying at your parents' house)
Also, did you know that the governor general is a man who rides a scooter?  Very cool!  Is it just me, or did no one care who the new GG was when Mikael Jean stepped down/was fired?  When she was sworn in it was all over the news, and then I sort of heard she was leaving and never heard anything about the new guy taking her place.  Turns out he scoots around with Rick Mercer all day and educates children on parliament and accessibility issues, whilst taking them for rides on his scooter.  This guy should be in the news way more.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Deep Thought of the Day

If vampires are real, this whole idea that they can't enter a human's home without an invitation is total bunk, invented by scared humans to give themselves some sense of control against an undefeatable foe.

Friday, July 15, 2011

it's just the way god made me

I promise I wasn't doing a self-conscious google search when I came across this puppy...  It is one of those Yahoo! Answers things that come up once and a while when you're searching for something random like songs with your name in the title.  Below is the question and various answers given (with usernames, because anonymity is for losers), edited down for the most hilarious.  I'm posting this without commentary so you can make up your own.  (For any random stumblers-by who don't know me in real life, I am just shy of 6' tall, so I am particularly drawn to this issue.)


QUESTION: How tall is too tall for a woman?



The Godfather
Depends on what you are looking for in your woman. If you wants a "fun size" girl, for doing "fun things" you want someone around 5'2, but if you want a girl that can play basketball with you, you want someone a little taller, like 5'9 or 10.

chez fez ;D
I'm 5'8 & I started seeing this girl that was 5'10...

and god was it odd.. when we had sex it was just... I felt like a midget humping a tree. But I liked her & I guess I saw past the oddness?

But yeah.. it all depends on how tall the guy is.. and the girl hes with??

I personally prefer shorter girls for sure.

Mr. Workin' Out
Any woman tall enough to straddle me on a chair, without her wearing heels, is a fine fine situation. If she's tall enough to straddle me on a barstool... well that might be a little too tall for me to handle.

SteelCur...
Totally agree. I couldn't have a woman thats taller than me. 5'8 is a little stretch though. I think any woman over 5'11 is weird cause it's nice to have a tall girl sometimes.


Dangerou...
Ok, you know what, go to Russia. The men and women there average between 5'8 and well past 6 feet. A nation of good looking, strong, healthy tall Russians is more ideal than an overweight, average looking, unhelthy bunch of short people, shorty.


Kels
i'm a miget wiht LOTS of experice i think over 2'5 is jsut a little odd. i'm sure most fo you will agree. thumbs up me if you do think this guy is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay shallow :P

me
im 5 ft 7 and i feel like a giant i think 5 ft 10 is huge my friend is that height and omg with heel ridiculous but height doesnt matter if you are into her overlook that and dont worry bout what other people say

alrozz
I made love to a woman that was 7ft tall and I tell ya when her legs went up I felt like scoring three points instead of two.

chantelle
well in modeling 5'7 girls are the shortest they would go... they mostly want 5'8 - 5'10 girls
so i think around 5'11 would be "too tall"

pretty_i...
i think tall is beautiful ....but somewhere around 13785634678549 feet would be a bit weird don't u think ..

Metal of Rhein
Remember this cult old film: "Attack of the 50ft woman"? That, is too tall!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

After this message from our sponsors...

Fun game: reduce each commercial you see down to its basic message.  Then it will be extra fun to see how many directly conflict with each other.  This was inspired by a commercial whose basic message was that being outdoors and living life is better than being online, and the next one whose message was to bring the internet with you EVERYWHERE YOU GO.  Funny, right?

So here we go with the great experiment!

Round 1

Commercial #1: Transformers/Burger King
It's important to be super badass and that includes junk food.

Commercial #2: Yoplait
You need to avoid any food you actually want to have value.

Commercial #3: Maco
Average people are desirable.

Commercial #4: Honey Nut Cheerios
Health goes hand-in-hand with clever irony.

Round 2

Commercial #1: Coke
A carefree summer starts with Coca Cola and weird cans.

Commercial #2: Excel
The only way you're acceptable enough to enter a vehicle with men

Commercial #3: Flexitol Heel Balm
Your feet are gross in their natural state.

Commercial #4: Blistoff
Your feet are gross in their natural state.

Commercial #5: Crest White Toothpaste
Your teeth are gross in their natural colour.

Commercial #6: Hellman's Mayo
Being in tune with nature will make you a better person.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

rock those socks

Just gotta say it: life is awesome when you're doing things that you love.  Seems obvious, but I forget it all the time.  Tonight we had the third rehearsal for the play I co-wrote and am "co"-directing.  (I say "co"-directing because I pretty much sit there and laugh all rehearsal, occasionally throwing in a mild suggestion while the veritable Dani Bryant does the actual directing.)

The point is, that I sit there laughing my butt off ALL REHEARSAL LONG.  Every scene is my favourite scene.  I'm laughing at the combination of my writing and brilliantly hilarious actors doing things with it.

So, thank you world.  And by world I mean me, my co-writer/director, actors, and stage manager.

Oh yeah, and come see my play:

Saturday, July 9, 2011

stop with the videos, please

Does anyone else get way too annoyed when they come across a blog post/article that looks like it will be really interesting, and then it turns out you have to listen to a podcast or watch a video to get the information?

Why the heck-face do people think these things are better?  They are so CLEARLY inferior.  First of all, if you're going to listen to a podcast or watch a video, you have to stop everything else you're doing, say goodbye to your friend multi-tasking, and throw it out the window.  SECONDLY, if you are, say, at work or anywhere else where there are other people (I'm looking at you coffee-shop-internet-people), then everyone else has to hear what you're doing.

Yeah yeah, a picture is worth a thousand words so a video is worth a bajillion.  I get it.  But it's NOT TRUE.  An online video is good for a finite number of things:

-Attempts at sketch comedy style filmmaking on the cheap
-Animals being adorable or attacking toddlers (in a funny way not a death-y way)
-Other humour
-Documenting the incredible (read: crazy amazing dance moves that will blow your head off its socket like the ballerina who went en pointe on a dudes head - CRAZY!)
-TV shows/movies/trailers
-SOMETIMES instruction but only if it's something that is 100% visual and can't be described in writing
-Personal crap that you're posting online to share with your aunt in Norway so she can pretend she's still a part of the family even though she moved to Norway to get away from you

That's it.

If you're discussing current events in a non-hilarious way, sharing tips on marketing/how to cook a roast, or doing anything that doesn't fall directly into one of the above categories, JUST WRITE IT DOWN FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!  (And yes, Pete was my Grandpa, so obviously this is very important to me).

If you write it down, then I can easily scan for the information I need without disrupting everything else I'm doing and everyone around me.  I can also easily come back to your stupid article for the information at a later date and I don't have to skim through an entire video or podcast to find what I'm looking for.  It just makes life easier for everyone, don't you think?

So stop being a baby and write with words.  Or if you're scared of words, draw pictures and infographics.  EVERYONE loves a good infographic.  Everyone.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Relationship Cost/Benefits

Okay, so I've thought on and off in the past about how funny our dating/love/relationship practices really are when you think about them objectively.  So then I decided to compare the three major relationship options with their pros and cons.  Because why not?

MONOGAMY

The gist: meet someone, decide you want to be with them in a special kind of way and if they want it too, you get to know each other better and better until they are your "one and only" and you pretty much know everything there is to know about each other and love each other and are among the most important people in each other's lives, if not straight up the most important.  Then one of two things happen: one or both of you decide it's not working anymore and you probably cut them out of your life entirely (except on Facebook, because that would be a little extreme) or maybe you try to be friends, relapse into romantic happenings, and get all hurt again, repeating the process until you finally cut them out of your life all together; or you grow old together until one of you dies.  Then this process repeats with someone else until you die.

The pros: while together there is (ideally) lots of trust and togetherness and that wonderful feeling of exclusivity that makes you all smug and feeling sorry for everyone else, low levels of sexual confusion, autonomy of choice of who you're with, and social understanding of your relationship.

The cons: If you aren't good at talking about lots of random details, you can be with someone for a really long time and get all way-too-close and then find out something vital that means you can't be with that person, unclear roles in a relationship or expectations of what it all means, and the empty horribleness when you have to rip someone out of your life if it doesn't work out.

POLYGAMY

The gist: You start off with one significant other, then add more as necessary.  Generally in polygamous livin' divorce/break ups aren't really done, so when problems arise, you just add a spouse.

The pros: People who practice polygamy seem to have pretty steady ideas of what's expected from a relationship and their role within it, if you're one of the sister-wives you get a set of people who totally get what you're talking about to complain to/overanalyze the relationship with, and you will not have to deal with the whole gaping hole of losing someone.

The cons: Jealousy, the whole sexist thing that tends to go along polygamy (but doesn't necessarily), and having to share or be shared would be tiresome once and a while.

ARRANGED MARRIAGE

The gist: Your parents or whoever decide who you should marry and then you do it.  You never divorce.

The pros: Both parties definitely know what their expectations of the relationship, because if you're agreeing to let your parents choose your mate you know exactly what the goal of your relationship is, so you probably won't have to to deal with any terrifying heartbreak, and you might even come to love the person.

The cons: Not knowing the person you're promising to spend the rest of your life with is kind of risky, and while you'll probably avoid terrifying heartbreak, you might be lonely and loveless for the rest of your life.

So... take your pick I guess?

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Miss Anderson, I Presume?

It turns out that Pamela Anderson may actually be an incredibly cool lady.  Either that or I'm ridiculously suggestible, which I've always known to be true and thus might be the real truth of this situation, because I pretty much got the idea that she's cool from this article.

Okay, Pammy Cons: perpetuates the objectification of women as an object for men voluntarily and intentionally, way too big boobs that look like they hurt all the time, acts dumb even though she seems to be smart, gets into some pretty harmful relationships that I probably shouldn't hold against her because it clearly points to some larger emotional issues, rides the wave of big hair/lips/boobs for her fame instead of talent of any kind, never covers her body EVER and sometimes wears really unflattering outfits.

Yes, I do realize that almost all of those cons can be summed up by the first item on the list.  They still deserved mentioning.

Pammy Pros: being that she is intentional about her self-objectification, there is at least an argument for empowerment there, is actually a very shrewd business woman, works hard, knows she doesn't have any talent and so became a very shrewd business woman instead, may be in a lot of bad relationships but has come from a very low place of abuse in her life and is trying to get better, has hair that is always shiny and maybe I'm just kind of jealous of it, is from the island and was discovered at BC Lions game which is kind of cool, seems to live a life of total beach-laden ease.

Okay, I'm pretty sure these cancel each other out.  What do you think?